Fears

What fears could 1 have? What fears do I have?

Fear of disappointment 

Fear of failure

Fear of betrayal

More importantly, fear of being hurt again. 

I didn't need anyone in my life. Yet You bring Jeremy into my life. 

But I don't think I can take on the fears of rejection, disappointment or hurt. 

I don't wana worry or care if I am good enough for him or that I meet his list of criteria. 

I don't wana be judged anymore. I don't want to rely on anyone anymore. 

I understand where he is coming from. He is tired. He didn't sleep the whole night. 

Yet I can't help feeling diaappointed. I can't help wondering what caused him not to be able to sleep. What was he doing? Or who was he with. 

He drinks. Quite abit too. N he seems far from a recluse. 

I am not keeping my time for him anymore. 

I had wanted to spend time with hm today and had kept it for him today. But he wrecked it. 

I don't want to see him tomorrow either or ever again. Maybe I'm over-reacting   Maybe I'm Pms-ing. 

I'm just really upset cos I could have made other plans. 

Tamara

Watching the movie Tamara and its bout this gal that is really smart but she's a misfit. Mostly alone but totally rejected by society. 

Sometimes I feel this way too! Cos the things I say n do ain't really the coolest things the world likes. N I'm different. I say n do things that hardly anyone does or says. 

N sometimes it offends people cos it strips everything off them n leaves them vulnerable. Makes they know they've done wrong. 

But I guess no one likes to be in the wrong n no ones likes to have made mistakes. But I have a knack for making people wrong, being the "police" and judging others. 

Why? 

Another year

The year is almost over. Yet I feel like I've achieved nothing. 

A year passed is quickly back in college and now again, back in Singapore. 

I came back, with great plans and desires - to change the industry, to change the world! To get to become a great actress, tv show host, so I can impact the world! 

But I am far from even getting close to any of those 2 goals. In fact, I feel so jaded by the community, the country and the people in the industry that I want to give up. 

Once again, I have no idea why I came back. Once again, I long to hide, to leave n go to Korea. Where, perhaps I might be of some use. Where, I can teach those who want to learn. 

People here in Singapore don't want to learn! They think they know it all already! And they don't want Christ either, or to to know Hik personally! They have everything they need! 

The pain and stress that they suffer, to them is normal. To them, it's just part of life. They don't know nor understand they it's the subtle work of the devil and that Jesus makes the difference. 

But how can I tell them? Why would they listen? I am nothing either. I have nothing. Nothing to shout about, nothing to be able to make an impact. Nothing to work towards. 

Once again, I feel it's my vain vanity that brought me back instead than God. 

Meeting people who are stubborn, ignorant, arrogant, know it all, I am tired, disappointed and disinterested. 

I really don't want to be around those people. God.... What are you doing to me?! Why am I back here? What did u want me to learn? 

It's Christmas, a season for joy yet I don't feel joy. I worry bout relationships, I get upset over how people are and what they want. 

What am I supposed to do? Just don't bother and let go? Just enjoy everyday that I have alive?! 

Then greed will rose over. Jealousy, envy.... I'll start wanting things I don't have! It's not like I've never felt that way before. It's not like I've never desired those things before. Then what?! 

God... Take all that pain away from me please.  

Foreign

Listening to praise songs in the morning on the way to work, I just can't see how I fit in to Singapore. I feel so foreign. Do alien. 

The way they speak English, the way they think, it's just different. I know it's me. It's my background. It's where I was born and bred for most of my life. Yet it's so foreign. The sound of the people speaking English is just..... It just doesn't sound right. And mandarin.... Just as bad. Only the radio djs probably do a decent job. 

Why? Why am I here? Is this a place i belong? 

Even though I don't feel I belong here, yet daily I get caught up with the things of this world - greed, envy, jealousy, insecurity, materialism. 

Lord Jesus, help me to remember, to have a greater revelation of who I am in You. To know what it means to be a daughter of Christ. 

I know my behavior doesn't reflect it. So help me Lord! Don't let me become one of these people, self consumed, inward! 

Help me to love as You have loved me, and to give as You have given. 

This weekend, help me find my purpose Lord. I am struggling. I don't want to mindlessly spend my money on things that will make no difference to me. 

Yes I like to look pretty. I want to be noticed. But I don't want that to consume me lord. 

I want people to see You when they see me. Not a nasty piece of work. I want to be free! Free as the birds in the skies. 

I know I have been given freedom yet I still feel so trapped. So Holy Spirit, break these chains lord. Whatever that is holding me down, troubling me, break it Lord. I am different from them all. 

Bring like minded people around me lord. Surround me with Your people that we may have strength. 

Bring along people whom I can be accountable to Lord. Bring along people whom will challenge me to be more like You, who will remind me when I fall, of Your love for me and whom I am, not who I see. 

Help me Lord!! 

Poisoning my mind

I yearn n desire what the Taiwan n Korean dramas tell. Am I poisoning my mind? Or is it my real desire? 

There are some things that I really like and need to have in a person. There r some things I really wish for. 

I really want someone to be here with me. Someone who would be willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel that with that, then I am loved n desired. N cos I don't have anyone at the moment and I see everyone whom I am faintly attracted to being attached or already married with a family, I am envious and even jealous of their partners. 

I know that is wrong and I shouldn't think that way. Yet I can't control how I feel. And it saddens me. Cos I shouldn't need to feel that way. 

I am pretty, capable, intelligent, loving, kind. Yet y do I not have anyone who is willing to spend their lives with me?! Am I that unadorable? Am I such a put off? 

Did every guy whom I was with only lust after me? Is the world really so bad?! Or did any of them actually love me at some point and I was just too difficult for them? We just weren't the right fit or they just didn't have the courage needed to deal with issues of life? 

I am different. I'm not a normal female who is soft spoken. I am loud. I have a mind of my own n I speak it. But I don't just want things my way. I just want to get things done n things can get done when everyone plays their part. Employees and employers alike. 

Employees doing the work they should do. 

Employees getting the necessary employees to do the work as what is needed n not underpaying or stinging on manpower. 

My gift profile is music then visual. 

I miss the piano. 

N I miss taking photos. 

I don't know what to do to function in my gift. 😭

Tempting

You reckon I'll be ok? If I were to tell Jason I was sorry and he replied back just as Phillips did? I don't know. I don't know if I am ready to hear from him yet. I only know I feel sorry for what I did and wished that I could take it all back. I set up the post for all to read, so that I can encourage. But through this year, I have done nothing but to lament and complain and cry. I wish I were stronger. I wish I was really a bringer of joy rather than misery. You reckon I could ever get out of being mean and nasty? It seems so much of a habit now that I wonder if it would ever change. I want to be nice and stylish. Like Ou Se Young. I'm tired. Maybe cos I'm sick. Jesus help me. That I be nice. Nicole said to read Right Believing. And that the last 5 chapters will help. I think it was for her. It was God's way of speaking to her. Its not for me though. Cos I felt nothing. :( Everything that Joseph Prince talked about in the book, I already know. And he is not the issue. I am. Something is missing! The Revelation of what he is talking about is missing! I know Christ died for me. I know I am loved cos of that. Cos His death repaired the broken relationship between me and God. I know all my sins are forgiven. I know all my sicknesses have been borne by Jesus. But they are all stuck in my head. What happened? What's wrong? I sound as though I am so jaded that nothing seems to get into my thick skull! Perhaps that's why God had to wake me in the middle of the night to speak to me. Cos in my full consciousness, I can't listen. I wish I had a tall dark handsome Korean dude would rescue me out of this. errr wait.. Koreans aint dark... Nevermind about the dark. Just tall, rich and handsome. Wide palms and long fingers. Nice smile and teeth. Sparkly eyes. Sigh... I'm already 38 coming 39. Am I being unrealistic? How realistic is one supposed to be? It really gets confusing Lord, cos some of the things that You ask of us is unrealistic. So when is it realistic by You and unrealistic by the world, and when is it just wishful thinking? :( Oh how I wish I knew who I was and what my heart was really feeling/thinking. I seem to be going around the bush. When God when?! Who God who?!

Hurt

It was either God speaking to me or well.... God speaking to me, showing me that I have been causing hurt in the lives of the people whom I love, pushing them away through the choice of words i use. 

Just because I believe strongly in something doesn't mean I should impose it on others n make them feel bad n wrong about it. Eg Philips - I don't think we would have ended that badly if I hadn't gone into fear and panic thinking the worst of him -> thinking that he has met someone else and forgotten bout me. 

Firstly it means I don't trust myself. I don't think that I am good enough and that whichever guy who likes me will find someone else better. 

Secondly, I don't trust him. No guy likes to not be trusted. Every guy (even the bad ones) like to be trusted. 

N then when he told me bout wanting a degree. Although I had my pov, i guess the way I put things across to him perhaps wasn't the kindest. I'm not sure how I did it or said it but I'm pretty sure I hurt him. 

Then there is Jason. Again, my fears got the better of me and I got paranoid. That probably pushed him away. But what pushed him away more is probably the things I said that we're hurtful. It's more than once that I know I hurt him. Made him cry once. Hurt him when we talked n then later with Debbie's incident. He probably felt unwanted n rejected. Why would he want to stay around? 

I also rem jack n how I pushed him aside. N of cos there was Zac. 

There were bad ones too like Craig, Andrew n all. But nice guys who would have made great husbands like Ryan m Steven, I hurt them without even thinking. Just cos I was selfish. 

Maybe I do deserve to be single. 

I really hope things change. I really hope Gods love can fill me till my heart is overflowing. I cannot bear to ensure another season of pain. To myself not to others. 

I don't like me when I'm nasty. I can see it when I turn around to look back. But the injury is already caused. Nothing can change it. 

I hope they all can forgive me. Especially Jason. He's probably moved on. But whatever it is, I hope God heals his heart. Perhaps I should say I'm sorry. Perhaps not. Maybe now is not the right time. 

I just want everything to pass and be well. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. A person full n whole is able to deal with those who hurt. N I wana be healed n complete like God promised. 

So Lord, I surrender all the areas of my heart to you. Help me to forgive all who have hurt me and fill my broken heart with Your love. Help me to love others as You love me for I know that deep down inside, no one wants to hurt another. 

I don't think I'll contact Jason yet cos I'm afraid to know how he is doing. I just want to say I'm sorry but I don't want contact from him. I'm afraid of him telling me that he is attached n happy now. 

It shouldn't change anything. Cos it doesn't say anything about me. But still there is pain cos it seems like I have been rejected once again even though I have not. 

God fill me with Your love please. 

Why Korea?

Why Korea? - I don't know. Maybe it's too many Korean movies. I just want to experience life there Fears - I don't know if I will make a good teacher - I don't know if I will get it through the year - I don't know what will happen if I don't get through the year or regret halfway - I'm scared that it's a wrong decision n I would have wasted time - even if it just 1 yr or 2 yrs I'm afraid it's a wrong decision. Then what? I'm not young anymore. What am I going to do if Korea is not it? - I would have to start all over again. I've made so many decisions that caused me to lag behind everyone else already. -> acting -> going to Aus -> then back again -> then to aus again That was a total of almost 8 yrs wasted Then finally got it to advertising and doing well. Then I decide to do college. N again I'm in a mess. Why college? - I had been curious about it for years. 4 years or more. - thought God called me to college - had a burning desire to know more -> history of the church n etc that I had learnt in evening college. - what I learnt fr evening college was good to share. Helped me to give better perspectives when teaching discovery - thought that it was something I would want to move into. But going into college showed me wrong. Everyone else in there had more theology than I did! Everyone in there was a better Christian than I!! -> I felt useless -> I felt worthless -> I felt unqualified What did I like bout teaching discovery? - debunking all the myths n hearsays Eg God is good but only to some God does bad things too Tongues is not for all Why back to Singapore? Why productions? - productions cos of the conversations I had with Zon. I wanted to impact people. Maybe not evangelize outright but I wanted to be in a space where I could tell people bout Jesus. Especially the wrong that they've heard bout Christianity - I still longed to be on tv. There were roles I wanted to play. I tot maybe I could both produce and act. Cos many said I should come back n that the new actors were crap Why waver now? - cos I don't have the confidence. I don't think I am as good as the new actors. I don't have the "practice" that they have now - the process of "hunting" for work, going for casting etc is tedious, hard and I don't like it. I want an agent to represent me but no one is interested to. No one sees value in me. -> causes me to get depressed cos makes me feel like I have no value - I'm starting from scratch again and I am not willing to. - yet I don't have the necessary experience to be a producer right off. I know I have the ability to project manage. But I don't have enough experience to carry out a project without first being an assistant - I don't like the freelance part of it where I don't know when the next cheque would come - I don't like the hunting for jobs - I love being on set but I don't like the heat rash I get from being in non air con places What bout advertising? Would u consider returning? - yes. Cos logically it is the most stable. N I am already somewhere But.... - but I don't know whether to stay in Sg or to return to Aus. - I don't know if I could find a job here that I like cos of how Singaporeans are. Right now where are you leaning towards? - productions only if it's with mm2 - otherwise it's pretty much Korea - I see myself living there, out if touch with everything. N not getting bothered by anyone No comparison, no envy, no jealousy, no coveting - mayb n hopefully I get to find a church there that I can contribute to. Be it teaching them to be better at their English or knowing Christ better. I wana make a difference to people's lives. No. I want people to do the right thing no think that starting from young is a good idea I think that the environment in Korea allows for more compassion than in SG. BUT.... But I cant go around wanting people to do the right thing. Only those who are willing to, those who want to... then they might be willing to learn and do the right thing. The church thing is really a draw card. NCC, doesnt have the platform for me to do what I want to do - teach discovery. Correct wrong mindsets. Whether it is productions, teaching, volunteering, living my life etc, the backbone of everything is to correct mindsets. Whether it is mindsets about the world or about Jesus, morality, ethically. I enjoyed AKLTG cos I got to set the rules. Even if it was just within the camps - not just the students had to follow the rules, but the coaches and trainers had to as well. It made me feel good. Cos rules were followed, we were teaching the right thing and most of all, I played a part to influence that. I think those years were one of the most difficult where I kept falling sick and worked late nights and hours. But I chose to do it, not cos of money but cos I felt there was a need. Kids learn from examples. And I wanted the best examples set. They kept saying its not about right or wrong. But it is. There is a core part of it that IS about right or wrong. It is not right to be selfish! Although I"m not asking people to let themselves be door mat. Then again if we look at it from a holistic perspective, if everyone were selfless, why would anyone be a door mat? Cos there wont be anyone to take advantage of the person.

Unhealthy thoughts

I know these thoughts are unhealthy, but somehow I cant keep them from coming today. Somehow, today, they overwhelm me. I know I am a good person. I have good character traits and a good heart. Yet I cant help but feel less than an ant. Jason walked away from knowing me. But with everything that has happened to me and those around me, somehow I feel like they are better off without me. Jason, my family, the earth in general. It hurts alot. I cant stop crying. I feel like I'm going back into depression. Why I dont know. Maybe cos I cant find a reason for living. I dont feel like I am contributing in any way. I thought I had alot to give, but the people around me dont seem to want to take it. Should I stay on here in Singapore or should I go to Australia or some part of the world where no one knows me? I still feel like going to Korea. Maybe they will take me in there. Maybe the children there will love me. Jesus.... you said that all I need is you. I have you dont I? Then why do I still feel this way? It been almost 1 year.... that he chose to walk away. That he broke my heart beyond repair. Yet why does it still feel like yesterday? I want to create content. Cos I want the world to be a better place. But are people willing to listen? Are people willing to watch? The things I want to share, to tell... people know it already. They dont need me to tell them. Like be nice. Be kind. Be considerate. Yet the world is still so selfish, so greedy, so mean, so unkind. How do I tell a story that will not bore them, but put them into action? That people will do something to change their lives? I wish there is someone who can say I make him smile. Just as I want people to bring out the best in me, I want to bring out the best in others too. I seem to have lost my strength, the courage Jesus gave me, the faith & the trust I had in God. I feel like I'm a waste of skin to mankind. No one will remember me when I die, if I were to disappear. There's no legacy that I left here on this world. Those I dated... they have their families now. NO one remembers me. Those that borke my heart... they too have moved on and had their happy families. What am I? Why am I here?

Resolve

Having found out and read my personality profile, this time, I think it is the most accurate - ISFJ. None other profiles have better described me in such a way that I could relate so well to the emotions described in the profile. Unfortunately that's like 14% of the world population. Which actually means many people should understand me yet they dont. 

 After reading the profile, and the hoo-has that has happened with AGS, plus that weirdo that pm me; I've decided that I am not going to take things so personal. I am going to take a step back and just let go. If I let everything bother me, it will kill me one day. I guess the profile has just enlarged it and placed it right smack in my face. I really like being happy. 

But trying to control everyone around me, especially my loved ones - how they think, what they do, what they value (or not).... and trying to get everyone to do the RIGHT thing... it just exhausts me. Enough is enough. I want to be God's star student, but I think I want to keep my sanity and health above all things - I guess like what Jesus said - Keep my Peace... Things that are unrelated, absurd, uncontrollable, I'm not to deal with it. 

I just want to focus on the things I like. e.g. Hanging out with my friends and their kids (sandra & michelle), hanging out with my CG, serving at Visual Arts, Going on holidays, capturing beautiful moments with my camera, and just enjoying the life that God has given me. 

 Yes, often I feel as though my life has been hard. But when I really look at it, God has blessed me heaps. There are things that I dont have right now - money, husband, children. But they are probably things that God knows I am unable to deal with right now. I still miss him. But I know that I will soon forget him. without him, I will still learn how to enjoy the beautiful moments of life - the sunsets, sunrises, kodak moments ... just the creation that God made. I know I am worthy of love. And God has someone for me. And it is not my fault, or the fault of any of the guys that I dated, that I have been so hurt. Its just me. I take relationships seriously. It was just a bad match. Although there are times when I wished that things could be different, so I dont have to feel the pain of loss, I know it is not their fault. One day, I will meet someone who will treasure me. Someone whom will appreciate the loyalty and fierce devotion my character and personality brings. 

 For now, its chill time. Doesnt matter if I am where God wants me. He will take me there. But I have to enjoy the journey, otherwise, life will just pass so quickly. I have made friends from all over the world. And although they cannot be with me all the time, but at least I have them as my friends- to love, to care for & be loved by them. 

I tink the phrase Life is a Journey is taking more meaning in my life now. 

What do I want?

What is it that I want? I really don’t know. In all honesty, I really wanted to be that obedient child and follow God’s will. I wanted to “surrender” all my wanton desires into His hands. But doesn’t seem like I’m doing it really well. I have issues surrendering. I came back to do productions, or so I thought. I thought it would be something that would make me happy. But here at MVP group, I am not happy. And I havent found freelance work either. Also, feels like a struggle for me dealing with the freelance market - the issues that come with it. e.g. not knowing when i'll get paid, or if i'll get paid. There are no regulations protecting that industry. There are no medical or health or life benefits. I need to talk to someone who can be neutral yet be brutally honest, yet understand what it means to leave things in God’s hands! Not people with an agenda like Liyen. I want to do a food & travel blog/videolog. And the parenting one. Only cos those are close to my heart. If I can write a story and have it produced for tv drama or film, that would be great. But I don’t know… I don’t know if I have enough dream/passion to push that through as my life time desire. And of cos there's that desire to be in a sci-fi movie or Medieval time period movie/drama cos of the action and all. But I would say its like a dream I have rather than passion. Sitting here at Starcom, answering to briefs, I feel like I enjoy it. The challenge of being able to answer a client’s brief, solve their challenges. But I really don’t like working with Calvin. I really struggle with his communication style. And no matter how much I try to accept him the way he is, being my boss, and someone that I would have to work with, I really dont know how to cope. The struggle is knowing that God has a plan for me. Yet not knowing what it is. Trying to “surrender” yet not being able to deal with the emotions that keep arising. Fear, needs, desires, feeling left behind etc. I need help. I need someone to help me make a decision and stick with it. Ok... What I like about production? - That I can tell stories to impact people's lives! - The "free & easy" timing that's different from everyone else. I dont mind working on weekends and get the freedom to have an off day on a weekday when everyone else is working. In fact I prefer that cos I dont like the crowds. - The glam that is inherently involved. e.g. when the movie comes out and receives good review, free tickets to the movies. hmmmm that's about it? dang... thought there was more - Despite the low start pay and unstable situations, if i do well, I can become a line producer which we are short of. They can earn up to 6 figures a month. But still... no benefits. - Gives me the freedom to do what i want - travel when i have no projects. can say no to projects i dont want to do, etc. Have the time to produce my own stuff (although nothing much has been done) What I dont like about production? This is taking it from the freelance side. Its a different story if I get employed by mm2. - There is no fixed income. My income is always debatable and negotiable. - There is no guarantee on the team that I work with (good & bad) - There are no health benefits, no CPF - No aircon - often out in the open. I have a huge allergy to Singapore weather - There is no future for it. How long can I do it? - Not sure if i can deal with the instability - I'm not trained in the industry. I dont know if the things i want to do, can i actually do it Fears: - That I am entering it too late - That I am not liked by people and so no one wants to hire me now (that obviously defeats God's promise that His favour is upon me and that He will bring the right people into my circle of life right?!) - That maybe I got it all wrong! What I want: - Stable income with increasing pay - Being able to travel to places that I want to go - Being able to spend on things I like instead of having to think 3-4 times before making a decision Why do I not want to go back into advertising? - Feels silly. Came all the way back here just to join a singapore agency? Life was good for me in Australia. - Had felt empty back in australia doing advertising. Prob is it might not be the job. It might just be like what Joseph Prince said - God created our hearts for Him to be so big that nothing in the world can fill it! - There's alot more politics and back biting in Singapore. If I were to go back to advertising, makes more sense to return to Australia. Yet I keep feeling like there's something calling me to stay. Not sure if its unfinished business or what. Why would I return to advertising? - Cos I know I can do it. Its a job that I believe I can enjoy (although also depends on the clients and the teams I work with) - Stable income (monthly pay) What do I not like about where I am at now - MVP Group - I feel underpaid for doing agency work - I have difficulty understanding my boss and what he wants. Keep having to do double work. No direction. - I am not employed by Starcom, so I dont feel like I belong. - When I present content ideas, I have to keep within the content idea boundary rather than a big picture marketing concept - The actual company location is far - about 1 hr journey via public transport. Starcom is less - There are alot of rumours about the boss and the company - There is no one I can 'lean on' in the company. Only the boss but he is too busy and he has his own direction/agenda Options Find out where God wants me to head: - Wait till end of the week for mm2 to offer contract - Wait till end of the week to hear back from 6 degrees regarding application for 4 week producer course in usa -> If I get any of the above then its a confirmation that Production is still the way to go -> If I dont get any of the above then will return to advertising - Then its sending in resumes to agencies but *Dont know what pay to ask for *Dont know which position to go for as positions and job scopes are different in each company Oh Lord... Give me the courage and patience to wait. And show me the direction please.

Pleasing the world

I know I can't please everyone. Yet we all know that even for those of us who would say we don't care what the world thinks, there's a part of us deep down inside that want to be accepted and liked. Just that not everyone will work hard towards doing it to get people to like us. 

In saying so, I've realised that the 2 groups of people I've encountered in my life that's hardest to please. Actually make that 3. 

1. Christians

2. Singaporeans 

3. Family

The first 2 somehow often think that they are better than others and the world owes them. 

Christians expect everyone to be perfect, especially their own fellow Christians. This is from my experience n I'm also guilty of it at times. 

Singaporeans, well somehow our government has taught us that we know it all, cos most of us speak 2 languages, so amongst the Asians, we are better than them cos we speak English well. 

And amongst the Caucasians, we speak an additional language which the Brits, Americans, Canadians (except for French Canadians), Australians n New Zealanders don't. So again, we tink we are better. 

And cos of the oppressive nature of the government whilst we were growing into a mature country, a first world country, some call it; many have kept their anger n angst hidden. So they complain like the world owed them everything. But won't lift a finger when needed. 

N lastly family, they think they know you. They know all about u n despite differences, they think they have a right to make demands in u. Well, in my case that is. Nothing pleases them. No thank you, you did a good job, I appreciate it, etc. 

Always criticism. Maybe the saying familiarity breeds contempt is very true. 

Well, God has chosen to have me stay and be alive so, I guess there's much to be done. 

I am alive to please God, so His things matter. I only need the audience of 1.  No matter how difficult things might be, I have to keep the shalom peace Jesus left behind for me. 

No bulldozers shall shake me. No turbulent seas or earthquakes shall move me. He has set me where He wants me to be and faithfully I shall wait expectantly. For His deliverance, for Hos return, for His providence. 

Amen 

Disgusted

I'm so sick and tired of Singaporeans. They are often so good at sitting with arms crossed demanding to be fed and then complaining bout what is given to them. (Mind you, it's all free!) 

When asked why wait till everything is over to complain and not have things changed earlier by giving feedback, they have all sorts of excuses. 

Yes... Continue staying where you are, arms crossed, demanding to be fed. See if you will eventually starve to death! 

Ungrateful!!

You do what you can to help. Yet it's not enough. Not only did you do it for free but also paid so you can help. But mankind is just so greedy and self centered. They don't care.

I really don't know what to do anymore. In fact I really don't want to care anymore. God... I don't want to fight. I just want to live my life out. Enjoy food, traveling and just pure relaxation. 

I cannot understand why we need to fight one another. Why we humans seem to think that for one to win another has to lose. And that if we lost then someone must have gained? 

What if it was all bout a heap of wrong decisions and so both parties lost?! Then what? Does it make us feel better that someone else lost?! 

Oh God, help me to live my life lord. Help me to accept the world the way it is. 

What I can do and share, that's a bonus. The rest, is up to You to change. 

 Tired. I don't want to fight anymore. Why bother. 

As long as I have a job that I enjoy, that pays me, that allows me to go on holiday, I think that is enough. 

I can't be anymore ambitious to try to provide for the future generations. I can hardly provide for myself or my family. So help me God. Teach me what to do. Guide me in my steps. Remove me from frustration. Help me wait in peace n expectations. 

You are the keeper of this world. You are the creator and dictator. So what of the heavens n the skies that You created for us to enjoy? Show us what might things be. 

Lord, you know that this job I'm in is not for me. I want a life. I don't want to end work so late at night. 

Give me the peace to let go of things. And to return to where I once was with You. Help me grow more and surrender more. Help me let go. 

Through tears, through frustrations, I thank You Lord that at least I have a job. I can feed myself n those around me if need be. 

I don't see eye to eye with what Calvin is doing or how he is tinking. But I am not there to stop him. You are. I can only be a messenger. So Lord, since You have touched his heart then speak to him and deal with him. Change his heart, soften his heart. Let him see hope and may he deal integrously. Let him have the revelation that life has absolutes! Your love for us is absolute! 2,000 years ago, 2,000 years later, today and 2,000 years more to come! Your love for us is absolute! 

How can I tell Your story? How can I tell the world about You? 

Oh lord Jesus!!! 

Pride?!

Omg I'm really pissed off with Singaporean men. Or is it just my boss? 

Honestly he thinks he is communicating greatly! But he isn't. There are so many things he missed out. No issue if that happens. Just don't be so smug bout everything else. 

I really wana smack him on the head just like mike. Both of them! 

Early 30s male! 

Both doesn't know how to communicate and I have no patience with both. Damn it. Is this what God wants me to learn? To have patience with them and to communicate with them in respect and grace? 

Seriously. 1 is bloody demanding. 

The other, has all his ideas up in his head yet doesn't communicate what he wants. 

Eg Wednesday's meeting at Starcom. Thankfully I was taking notes. Otherwise, how in the world would I know that I would have to send minutes over? 

Then ask me to send through minutes. Yet refuse to give me template. Thinks everything is easy. But every company is different. So show me the templates and I'll follow accordingly. Otherwise my minutes will be different. Now it's just wasting my time. 

Concerns

Again I am filled with concerns. I need to keep my eyes on Jesus! I need to rem that He has already gone before me to sort things out! 

I really feel useless!! Everyone of my frens have gone ahead of me. Earning more than I have, or making a name for themselves. But me.... I seem/feel stuck! 

I can bet that even Emily would b earning more than I doing a casual job back in Aus! 

I need to stop comparing. I need to be content with what I have. I need to stop worrying about my future cos My God has already taken care of it!  

He knows what I want. He knows what I like! N Jesus died so I can have that kinda relationship with God - that of a Father n daughter. Which Father would not try to give His daughter everything that she wants? As long as it is good for her?! 

We humans are weak n short sighted. We make mistakes. Eg mom and how the family is "accepting" to Terence's wrongs. N "let things go". 

Abba Father doesn't have that flaw. He is just. He is righteous. He is holy. But He is filled with grace n love. My trust is in My God! My trust is in Jesus! Because of Jeuss, God will fulfill His promises to me. Because of Jesus, God will bless me and make a great nation after me. 

I just need to take my eyes off the obstacles n look to Jesus n know what Ge has already done for me! So how much more would I need to do for myself?! 

Conflicts

Conflicts happen not just within the heart, but also at work, at home, with friends.... everywhere in fact. Had a conflict with my colleague yesterday. Boss says that its just the way he is. He is a loyal and faithful worker. Perhaps just a little traditional and old fashioned. Well, he's exactly the kind of person I dislike. Or rather he's the kind of person with values I dislike. Everything is about hierarchy and respect, rather than just good clear communication. To me, his communication was poor. Nothing to do with education or english language strength. Its gota do with personality and exposure -> what some say is EQ right? Well, I thought I was bad, but he is worse. Is that something to celebrate? Not really. His demise is my suffering. And then today, I get a shock. Calvin seems to enjoy changing things in his mind and not communicating it. When I first went for interview, it was for a Producer role and then I would go out and pitch. But after my 2nd meeting with him, it changed to digital media content producing. Today, out of the blue, just cos he was inspired, he decided to add another responsibility to my list. I really dont know how to take this. I dont know if I am in the wrong company or I am in the right company but being distracted and stretched. What is Your will Lord? The picture that Calvin draws seems really great! Producing online content. However, there's this hint of arrogance that I am unsure about. Everything has its place. Sure, many things are going online now, but there's still a reason why people are going to the movies. There's still a reason why Hollywood is still producing blockbuster. There is no absolute to which is the right way. Its just a choice - are you after the money and chasing the wave or are you passionate about making great movies. I am just as conflicted on this aspect. If I were to focus on making money and chasing the wave, following the trend then yes, online is definitely the way to go. Regardless whether I stay here in Singapore or return to Australia, I can return to advertising. However, if I am passionate about making movies, then it wouldnt be with Calvin's company. I really wish that mm2 would reply soon. Cos that way, I would know whether I am to join mm2 or not. I guess I am so stuck cos I am afraid of making the wrong move. I am no longer young. I know God knows best, so I really wish He would close all doors thats not of His will. I really dont know if the role at mm2 is for me. I also worry about their working hours and expectations. At least with Calvin, we've ironed out few things. I know kinda how the company will run. mm2.... I dont see eye to eye with the not letting leave be carried over and no compensation on that. Producing can get quite busy. Also, I am unsure of my job scope. Other than paperwork, what else is there? I do not just want to do paperwork. Yes, the pay that they MIGHT offer is tempting. Its alot more compared to what I'm getting at Calvin's, if it is what I am asking God for. $3.2K is good but a miracle and a sign from God would be if I can get $3.5K + cpf. That's $4.8K - $8.4K annually. That's 1-2 holidays! But I dont know what the potential is like. Do I want to produce movies or do I want to have a good life?! Lord help me please. I really cant figure it out. I just feel underpaid for taking the job with Calvin, cos if I were to be involved with digital content in an agency, I get paid much more. I dont want to be myopic and only see the problems. He keeps saying "if this does well, which he thinks it will", then I have to grow the LT team. I've heard that many times over. It never happens that way. Diana said that, Andrew said that. But the company never grew. Blk A was small and it grew and now, it has shrunk again. Just like akamedia. Or should I just return to Australia?

What's the truth?

The meeting with Nicholas was good. At least in my perspective. 

Learnt a lot. Well heard a lot. Really tink his head is on his shoulders n feet is on the ground. Yet bold with ambition. 

But as with all people... How much of that is ego? How much is that person's righteous point of view? 

I don't know. 

I do know I would like to work with him on the musician interview. If pilot is not paid, so be it. But I love being "on screen". 

I don't know what mm2 has in store for me. I also don't know how this information download will change anything. 

But I do know we need to get classes organized so our actors get better at their craft. 

I'm overwhelmed. I'm really overwhelmed. 

God... Lead me. I'm speechless and directionless. 

The Corporate world

Am I really "missing the corporate world" as Emily puts it? I dont know. I definitely missed the lifestyle I had back in 2012. You could say everything was good. I got the pay that I wanted, although I had hoped for a larger increase other than a 4-5% inflation adjustment. But I guess unless I had a promotion, that would not have been possible in such a large corporation like Aegis. But I got to enjoy the prestige and privileges from the suppliers and events cos of the company's position in the market. Not being paid anything and having to receive Austudy meant a cut in lifestyle. That, for 2013 and then now in 2014 whilst I am doing freelance work and no full time work... is painful. I cant buy the things I want to buy or go where I want to go. I gota worry about whether or not my next pay check covers my growing expenses. Yes I love being on the set. And yes I love it more being on the set as an actor. I definitely get treated better than as part of the production team. Unless I hold the purse strings, those monkeys like Dollei from makeup will never give anyone else any sort of respect, which is really poor form. No doubt she is good at her art, but what gives her the right to diss the production peeps just cos of that?! Seriously... you will never know when one of those "kids" would become a director or producer next. Then what? Shine their shoes? People will remember you for who you are. Dont be such an ass just because you are good. That is pride. Pride never gives anyone the privilege to do anything obnoxious to others. Anyways that's side tracking. I love being on set even on the back end. But at the moment, the money isnt paying. Like I said - I am too used to having money to want to give it all up for passion. Perhaps this is what God is trying to show me, teach me by bringing me back here. I really had nothing. He showed me what it was like to "starve" if I were to freelance and not have a job. Obviously He is not going to leave me in the lurch and He made sure I had enough in many ways to cover my expenses and needs. Given that, I really dont know what I am back for. It doesnt seem like it is to chase my dreams, cos I really dont have the courage to. I want to act, but I am not known by anyone any more, nor wanted. Unless there is a guarantee of getting at least $5k a month, or an upcoming project that promises to cover that for at least 6 months to a year, I dont think I can embark on such a journey anymore. Yes I could land a sponsorship of $100K. That would be like 2-3 years of my current salary. I would definitely love that! But I dont have the confidence for that to happen! Unless I get a lead role that promises $1.5-2K per episode to be filmed across the 2-3 months, then I might consider dropping corporate and taking up acting again. The shows in SG are really little. No hollywood exposure as I would have liked! Glam and Gloss aside, I want to be able to live in a place I like, in an area I like, and go places I like, eat what I like. That being the case, then I would need to return to corporate. Perhaps it is time to let go of everything. The past dreams that I had which cannot be fulfilled, which God could have always been asking me to give up and I stubbornly refuse to. Whatever it is, I MUST move on! From my dreams of the younger days as well as my relationships. I cannot be hung up over Jason anymore. Yes... he was the man of my dreams or so I thought until he decided he could not take communication daily. Well, at least that was his excuse. What his real reason was, I dont know. Nor will I ever know. He might just have been out to have a fling. I dont think he even considered me his gf, like I didnt consider him my bf. He was just someone I was really in love with and had placed alot of hopes on, cos he seemed to be so different from all the guys I had dated. So caring, so understanding. Until.... the truth comes out and he isnt that understanding at all. If he was, he would have understood what he did and not run away from a relationship with me. He would have stayed to work things out. Perhaps he is back with his ex now. Perhaps he has someone new now. Perhaps he has had 10 other flings that I would never know of. Whatever the case, it is time to let go and move on. Tears shed on him would be more time wasted. Time wasted on being healed and whole and happy. Oh God... I so need to be at peace with everything. Where I am at, Whom I am with, the friends (or lack of them) that I have. My friends from old times are no longer the friends I have. I think they have all moved on, with their families and new responsibilities. I, being single am still stuck in that singleness - not having anyone to be responsible to and for. Insurance - oh... Lord... should I even get any of that?! What's the point? Will I ever have use of it? sigh.... Lord, give me wisdom in this matter please...

Relationships

What do I want? I really dont know. I want someone who is willing to spend his life with me, making a life out of our lives. Doing things together, sharing moments - happy and sad together. Whether or not we have children, I dont know. I would like children of my own.... only because I like babies. But do I really want kids? Would I make a good mom? I dont know. I look at Michelle, Sandra, Cecilia... and they seemed happy, contented just being a homemaker. Would I ever be that way if I were to stop everything and be a mom? What do I really want in life? At the moment I just seemed so overwhelmed with the pains of the past. Will I ever get over them and just live properly like a person? Happy with where I am at? And being alone? Did I leave Australia to run away from the pain? Only to come back to Singapore to experience more pain? God.... I really dont like feeling this way and living this way. Help me find my way. Help me find joy in the midst of everything.

Dilemma

Every time I am with the production team, I feel a rush of emotions. I really wana be one of the actress in the production or perhaps involved in the production as a producer or assistant to the producer. 

But whenever I look at my bank account, I look at what I want in the long term, i can't see a fit between the two. 

I am not willing to give up and slog any more. I want to earn at least $10k a month. Be able to go on holidays that are not budget and visit places I like. 

The thoughts just keep coming. 

Even if I get 1 endorsement that would fulfill my financial quota for the year, how many can I get yearly and till when? 

I am not even close to what any of the actresses in Singapore make. What makes me think I can do it again? 

Brenda made me really happy telling me I did well in the Wacky Mouth series. However, having watched the video, I know I am nowhere there. Perhaps it is the production - it didn't compliment me cos the director wasn't good enough. Or perhaps it's just me. I am actually not as good as I tink I am. 

God... I don't know how to marry the 2 desires. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel to stay as a freelance producer. 

I want my house paid off n I want another house in sg. A condo. 

I don't know bout a house in Aus - whether I should sell it or not. 

People say to keep it if I am returning. But I don't know when I'll return. Am I keeping a white elephant? How much more would the property price rise? 

Help me God. So many decisions. How do I make the calculations? 

Adjustments

I guess I am finally settling in. I can see the difference living here and in Australia but I'm not being so emotional about it. Perhaps I had adjustment issues with college too. And that caused me huge stress and grief. All that has happened in the last 2 years causes me stress and how long I take to deal with it. In Australia, it was easy to get all my groceries. Everything was within range - Coles, Asian mart, Korean mart, etc. Here, although I have a greater range of asian stuff at a cheaper price, it is not that close. It is as though I was staying at Rhodes - I cant get anything unless I bought it beforehand. I have come to realise that when I crave sweets, the artificial sweets are too sweet. And when I take them as a replacement, it numbs my taste buds and I end up trying to fill that craving even more. There are so many things I want to say yet I dont know where to start. Example this feature film. I was really enjoying being on set. However, the incidences that I encountered with Jac really puts me off. Makes me hate the industry even more. Makes me hate people. What did I do to her to deserve such treatment from her? 2 face. Double standards. Its the same with Tiffany. She thinks she knows everything. Just cos she's willing to share knowledge doesnt make her a better person. Cos her conduct isnt any better. She is also 2 faced. Doesnt even communicate well yet behaves as though she does. She knows nothing. Even though I know that there are alot of things that San San does that probably wont sit well with me, but the extent that she does it isnt as bad. There are things that people does that she doesnt like but she doesnt go around complaining in detail about it. She thinks of means and ways to deal with things. Anyways, perhaps all of that happened cos the devil was trying to stop me from going freelance cos there was greater things there. N cos I couldnt trust God to provide as a freelancer. That was my first thought. Now, I am wondering if God allowed all of that to happen so that I would be at peace with full time at MVP. At least for now. To learn the skills of the trade, to build connections and networks. I dont know how well I would be able to do it. I am not best at socialising or networking. Definitely not like Calvin. I know I am better at execution. But if that's the route that God has chosen for me, then I will follow it. And I am getting better at communicating my food likes and dislikes thanks to Ken. He's a funny one. But yes, I love sweets. More natural sweets than artificial ones like Nestle chocolate. Tang yuen, Cheng Teng, Red bean soup.... they all sit well with me. Like I said, I would believe that God wants me to take a leap of faith and trust Him to provide as a freelancer, only if San San offers me a position in her next project right after this. So that not only would I have continuous work for awhile, but also be able to tide over my finances. I would need something that would pay at least $2.5k. What I was offered this time round was definitely not what I expected. It was way below expectations. But the contract I made with God was that He provide by giving me a job in productions. I'm sure there are many more ways for Him to provide for me. Perhaps I might be able to get back into acting. But I will not take minor roles anymore. It has to at least be a supporting role. Yes it is good to be recognised as an ex media corp artiste. Tiff said it was a brave move to come behind the scenes. Is it? I have always been more brains than just a pretty face. Unlike many other actresses we have here in Singapore. Perhaps that's the difference? Or perhaps they have a family that is emotionally and financially stable who can provide the support that they require, unlike mine, who relies on me more so that I on them. I feel so alone. Am I creating that world for myself? One where people rely on me when needed yet there is no one for me to rely on? All the friendships that had taken so long and was so difficult to build over the last 7 years... I feel like I'm throwing them all in the drain. Same as the friendships I have with Michelle and Sandra. They were my best friends. People who understood me. But we too have grown apart. They do not see me the way my friends in Australia does. Ashley, Jenny, Yenn, Emily, they all love me for who I am. Not what I can give. They are able to recognise my strengths and enjoy my company as who I am. I feel that Michelle and Sandra do not see me for who I am. And what they have for me is pity. I feel so sad. I feel so sad over everything. Friendships that I thought I had made - with Ken, Cheryl, Ella, Dewei, Dora, Tiff... but I was wrong. How silly can I be to think that these people would be my friends. They are just temporary teams put together so a project can run. They had their lives before this project and have their lives after this project. Who am I to speak into their lives. Who am I to try to influence them? No... I shall sit out of their activities from now on. I am not part of their team anyways. It hurts not to be accepted and welcomed. But it hurts more to be betrayed. And worse when there was no friendship in the beginning that can cause that action to be termed a betrayal. I really wish I have a special someone whom I can share this with, whom I can get comfort from and whom I can comfort in times of need. But I guess, only when the time is right would God allow that to happen. And I dont even know if that would happen any more. I also need to stop fantasizing about Calvin. More importantly, I actually need to be in less contact. Watching the autistic character in The Good Doctor, sometimes I wonder if I have slight autism. I cant communicate well and dont seem to have any social skills. I am so straight and direct and have no tact at all. Everything people say, I believe. That was how Jason managed to get to me. Im 38 yet still I am so gullible. But he's not the first. There was Craig, and Duncan, Thao, David, Bjorn & Phills too. Many others I dont even want to talk about. I want to say wake up! Forget all about them and recover well. Sometimes I wish I was really fully Autistic. Perhaps I would be more oblivious to everything around me - the people, what they say and do and how they hurt me or one another. I would be oblivious to the things of the world. Wouldnt that be better? Would I then have a closer relationship with Jesus? Less distractions? More Daddy time, more love, more care? I dont know. Sometimes I wish my condition would just deteriorate... then I can finally leave. Not worry about the finances of the world, of this family. Lets do it then! Just work hard, enjoy every moment with every one and try to be good with everyone! Then take the time to go travelling - Korea, Japan, enjoy the foods there and Vietnam as well. Go to the suburbs. No desire for the USA or the capitalised places. No desire for brands, just good products that look good and last long. Yes... that's what I want to do, regardless of whether I will be single or attached. I enjoy food. I enjoy seeing new sights... so that's what I'll live for. That's my reward for me and I know its also God's reward for me continuing to live here on this earth.

Low level lesion

Receiving the medical report from the Pap smear again that the low level lesions are still there wasn't the best thing. 

But it's after receiving the bad report that my body feels bad. Getting weird smells n cramps when it shouldn't. 

I don't know what to feel or do. I'm going with the flow and going for the necessary check ups. 

I only know that I don't have much of a will to live. If I were that sick, I won't go for chemo if it can't be dealt with with removing the cells. I'm not sure if I'll take medication either. 

But I do know that regardless, there are things I wana do. If I can lose weight cos do taking the medication that would be awesome. Cos I would still wana look good even when I'm sick. 

I do hope that God would grant me my wish to be on the big movie screen and other dramas that I wanted to do. 

Till then, I guess I would just have to live my life and do the best I can for whatever I am passionate about. 

Maybe this is God teaching me to live life to the fullest, not to hold back n worry. 

I don't think I'll let mom n dad know if I were really sick. What's the point. 

N I won't strive hard for treatment too cos I would rather take that money and go for a holiday. Enjoy myself. I have nothing anyways. Not like there's a family for me to live for, or someone who loves me or whom I love. 

If I were to pass on, I just want my family to live comfortably. 

I want whomever I come in contact with to live better. To go for their dreams. To live well and to know God. 

I don't know if I should pray for healing or accept it as my fate. Cervix cancer is fast I suppose? 

Moses n the burning bush

The bush that Moses saw was burning yet it didn't burn. 

A thought came to mind - when we are in the furnace of God's refining fire, all our impurities would be burnt away leaving only the finest, purest parts that God created. 

In saying so, the bush not burning while it was amidst the flames, was that in reference to us? That regardless of the "fires" and "furnaces" of life that God allows us to be in to refine us, we too would not burn up like in a normal fire. 

Cos I know from photos n videos available online that a burn is bad. When we come in contact with fire, we get injured. 

Yet the bush didn't. So if we r like the bush, then when we come in contact with God's refining fire, we too wouldn't burn whilst our impurities burn away. 

Exercise and food

I still haven't quite adjusted to the food here in Singapore and needless to say my eating habits. 

Even exercise is different too. I can't just go for a nice cool run like how I used to. It's way too humid. I would have to put in extra effort to either wake early before the sun is up to run or to do it late at night when the warmth of the day has dissipated. 

But there were exercises that I used to do in my room that I couldn't do in Australia. Seems like those are my choices right now. Whatever it is, I know God will help me eat right and exercise right so I will have a strong and healthy body. That's what makes me feel good and when I feel good I am also less cranky. 

Sabbath

Was listening to Joseph prince and he was talking bout Sabbath. How we need to rest. And how when we dedicate that rest time to God, He will bless us! 

When he started talking bout resting the land for the year and taking a sabbath vacation himself, suddenly it struck me. 

It's not all that exact. But I've been in Australia almost 7 years. Arrived early may 2007. Come end April 2014, it would be the end of my 7th year. 

God says that when we take a Sabbath to honour Him, He will look after us and bless us greatly so we will be able to feed in our 7th & 8th year. 

It suddenly dawned on me that that was what seemed to have happened to me. Although I won't say that I have enough to sustain me through to my 8th year. 

It was in my 6th year that I joined Carat. Seemed like whatever was taken from me was given back to me - the pay cuts and privileges that I wanted but didn't get. 

Now looking at it, I have been given more than enough to rest during the 7th year. 

No doubts I made foolish expenditures like the 2 facial packages I bought, causing me stress and frustrations. 

But I trust that God will help me sort that out and sell off the packages. I just have to list it. 

I also need to forgive myself for the decisions I made. 

Oh help me Lord! 

Production work

Being on the film set is exciting. I love it. 

At the same time, perhaps the first role I got is really gruesome, given that I just returned from Australia and know nothing and have no connections.   

Auatralia is really a place where my life is comfortable. 

In some ways I am upset with God for taking me out of my comfort zone. 

But I do love production. Perhaps working with mob is a good choice. Cos it's production work but in shorter timeframes. 

I would like to produce some short films. However, what is the purpose of it? I have not figured it out. 

It's too short to be a movie. But too long to be an ad. Just seems like peeps who don't seem to have enough juice n budget producing something just to get people's attention. 

I don't know. 

I really don't know anymore. 

God gives a picture but not the details. How I wish I knew the details. 

:(

Relieved

As much as I like being in front of the camera, I'm really glad that I'm done with the shoot. 

Perhaps cos I am not the lead and having done major roles before, I'm no longer used to being at the beck n call of others, working to other's schedule. 

Or perhaps it's just not my cup of tea. Or perhaps I have too high expectations of people. 

Or perhaps it's just the way Singaporeans are. 

Yes I still yearn to be in front of the camera. That I don't deny. But there's a lot that I really don't want to put up with. 

1. Negotiations of my price 

2. Managing my time

3. Hunting for suitable roles to cast for - I want people to think of me or proposed me for the role and then cast if there's a need to

I don't mind working hard for the audition. I don't mind going for many auditions to learn and grow. But I don't want to hunt for auditions to attend. 

So perhaps that's all that I have for acting. Until and unless all these other factors can be fulfilled by someone else. 

God's weakness

Today.... I discovered something bout God. 

The Almighty one... My Creator! 

I don't know if the term weakness is appropriate. But that's how I saw it. N I guess that's how distrust toward Him formed. 

My disappointments in relationships after Toulia is not cos of the persons themselves. But my distrust of God. I've been testing Him, to see if He is really that Almighty and having everything under His control. 

Cos in the case of Toulia, He didn't. 

Either that, or He didn't care enough about my plea or that I had begged that THAT relationship (whether it was Toulia or someone else) be the very last one. I didn't want another heartache. Yet either He was not powerful enough to keep me away from it or He didn't care enough to stop it all from happening. 

That's how I had thought about my Lord God all these time. 

I only found out today. 

Cos the hurts and disappointments of the previous relationships still hurt bad. But I realised it isn't the one with Jason, or Bjorn or David or Philips that caused me that much pain. 

Yes the negative experiences and disappointments hurt. But not so much that I can't let them go. 

It all started with Toulia. 

That's when I has trusted God and believed that He had someone for me. That Toulia was whom He had for me. Not just cos I asked and listened and obeyed. But cos I believed I had confirmation. 

But if Judges 2:19 were real, then is God still testing me? To see if I would continue to trust Him? Is that why so many of my prayers are still unanswered? Especially about relationships. 

It must have all happened then. N God had to slowly lift me back up - to have faith in Him again, to trust Him again; that He loves me and therefor have great plans for me and hears my prayers and have prepared the way for me. 

Carat was the first to show me He was still there for me. Just like back in 2003 when He cleared my debt miraculously. And the houses in 2007 & 2008. 

Slowly He had to show me once again that I could trust Him with my heart. And that He has someone who will love me just as I need him to. Step by step, bit by bit He puts tests out for me, so that I can pass them, so that my trust in Him can grow. 

I don't know where this all coming from but I believe that it is from God. How can such absurb things come from my mouth? How ridiculous this all sounds - God's weaknesses. 

How can the Almighty God have any weakness? 

It's actually His love for us. It's not His weakness but His love. He doesn't want us to do anything that we don't want to. That's why He doesn't control us. That's why He have us free will. But cos of that it comes across to many that He is weak. Cos it seems like He is not in control. That His plans get thwarted just cos of some human. 

But our God is so great that even prophets can't describe Him. Cos it's not like He has a plan a b or c. But that no matter who disobeys Him, no matter how long it takes, He is always able to get His way, in His way! 

His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. His ways are bigger than our ways. 

What I see as a failure cos of how the world has taught me to view it, God doesn't see it as failure. 

Praise God for His wisdom. Praise God for His enduring love. Praise God for His compassion & forgiveness. Praise God for holding on to me, for seeking me out and never letting go when I get lost and tempted and get stubborn in my ways. 

Somehow I feel lighter now. Thank You Lord for the revelation. Not bout Yiur weaknesses but about where I got stuck and for getting me unstuck and being able to hold on to Your promises and trust You! 

Pain

I havent been daring to watch modern day korean drama cos there's always romance involved. And I think I am hurting quite badly that I would cry my eyes out every time. But having been to casting db's launch yesterday, seeing all the new actors having a friendship, I feel like an outcast - like I dont belong. I'm no longer known. No longer wanted. Yet I still desire to be on screen. Not just any show or movie or any character. I want to play a character that I like and has depth. Yet I dont seem to come across those roles. Yet I do not wish to put in the effort that these young actors are doing. I want things easy - on a silver spoon some say. Just like in the old days - when I had an agent. They market me and push me and get me jobs and all I do is go there to do the job. I was really torn, cos I really wana act. Yet I dont want to put in the efforts. I think I'm not going to think and wish anymore. I will just concentrate on my work as a producer. Save some money and go for a short holiday in Feb. And will re-think again how life is and what I want. Cos right now, really want to just work and earn money and then after 2 years, when my passport expires and I get a new one, I wana go over to Korea and teach English. As much as I want family to support me and love me, I dont think I am in the state to be able to be around them and accept them and love them. Just watching the drama made me realise how much pain I was carrying from all my broken relationships. I cant ven properly remember Jason's face yet I miss him. I feel sad that things could not work out. And knowing that there were so many things that I did that would have pushed him away, makes me even more sad. I just want someone to love me. To really really like me, such that even when I push him away, he would still pursue me. I really wana run away to Korea now. Perhaps it is the influence of the korean drama, but I wish I could meet some korean dude who would treat me really well. I dont know. I just wish all the pain would go away. Its meant to be in God's hands anyway right? Jesus said He would take it for me no?

The conversation called Honesty

I wish I knew how to be completely honest with God. But I dont even know how to be completely honest with myself, trying to be little miss perfect that as I share my inner thoughts and emotions, the "right" things to say come out instead of what I really want to say. Why is it that I always have so much to say, so many things going on in my mind when I'm ANYWHERE but near my computer or place of worship with God?! In the toilet, whilst I was brushing my teeth and preparing for the night, the thoughts came in, once again! I really want to act. No. I honestly cant remember again now. :( So many thoughts came to mind, yet I forgot. But as I remember them all one by one, I know that the very first thing that came to mind was Market Australia. I really want Market Australia to work - to grow, to bring retail profit, to bring residual income for me. So that I dont have to worry about finances. So that I can go do what I want - act, produce, serve in church, travel, see the world, help others in need, build God's kingdom.... all of it. I want to be as honest as my bones can get, to God. To myself. I DO enjoy acting. I want to be a star. I want to be a celebrity! I want to play roles which can show my potential. I want to play roles that are strong in character, that fight the villians, that make people cry, that have a happy ending. I want to change the world. I want to produce. Yet I do not know what I want to produce. I dont know what I need to do to change the world. I just want there to be more love, more care, more thanksgiving in this world. I want to see more selflessness, more generosity, less exploitation, more justice, more fairness, more victory stories, more witnessing, more of everything of God in this world. More of Jesus. But I dont know how that works. I dont know what His plans are - for me, for the world. Well, other than the mega big picture and ending of having everyone know who He is and saving the world, I dont know what His immediate plans are or His plans for me in the near future. When will I meet my husband? When will I stop striving and worrying about money? When will I ever get to do what I really enjoy? Then again, the question is - what DO I enjoy? Acting? Producing? Both I would say. Definitely acting. But the comparison that I constantly make, taking others to benchmark myself against.... is really not helping. Its not making me any better an actress, nor growing my self esteem. I talk as though I have all the self esteem in the world. But I am far from it! I have so many issues! Just seeing how well Rayson was able to entertain the kids today, and knowing that it was not my style nor my way of doing things, was a sure telltale. And then his ability to act and do things that I was not able to do or think about - another telltale sign of my insecurities. :( I dont want to think about such stuff. I really dont want to be affected by such things anymore. I am a child of God. My value is not defined by what I have done, what I have. Or the number of people how like me or think that I am pretty. Sidetrack - I really dont like leonard and I really want to stay far away from him as possible. I do not want him to have any thoughts of liking me either. I dont like many things about him and that includes his family. Not that they are bad people... its just .... they are the typical christians that I dont like and I really dont want that. I'm really glad to know that Rayson and Liping are now both christians. And how he was today and what he spoke of, makes me hungry to be around people like that. It feels like FINALLY! some people in singapore are actually real christians and not the christian wana be or the christian that the world wants to see. Daddy, what's my next step? Do I continue in the producer road? Or can I pursue acting? Can I actually have both? I would love to. Cos it is not always that I come across the roles that I would love to be in. As much as I doubt my gifts and talents in acting, I too doubt my ability in being a producer. But I am definitely more confident in being producer than an actress. I dont see my beauty as others see it. God, I know You made me beautiful, but I think I have a certain standard in my head that I dont feel I live up to, so when people say I am pretty, I cant see it. Unveil these blind eyes of mine so I can see Lord. Let me see the beauty that You have created. Not by my eyes but by Yours. Only by being able to see with Your eyes the beauty that I have, I believe that I can see the beauty in others. Now, it is only my self effort to love others, not Your love overflowing from my heart. So help me Lord. God .... what's next? You have given me the confirmation that I asked for regarding producing. I got the work attachment with TJ. It isnt paying me what I imagined. I had thought $2K would be good. My finances are much more than what the assignment is paying. How Lord? I have been to several casting hoping it can bring me extra, but I have not heard back either. Jeevan's production, Wa Wayang, Adrian's casting - none of them have replied me. Tang hasnt gotten back to me either. And I dont know about MVP either. CH8 also has not gotten back to me for the June project nor the August project. Lord, You are my Provider. You have always provided more than enough for me. Once again, I lay that worry at Your feet. You know what's best for me. You know how much I need. Just as You provided for me when I stepped down to take a pay cut at akamedia, I know You will bless me with what I need just as You did when You placed me at Aegis media. I got to work at an MNC, with all my criteria fulfilled. And I got to go on a subsidised trip to the snow, with the snow being the best in all season! Remind me Lord how much You love me! How closely You are watching over me. And how far You will not allow me to fall from Your side! Next Lord, please fix my broken heart. I want to be able to move on, forget all the pain that was once inflicted on my body and heart by the men in my past, the mistakes that I made. I want to love. And love with all my heart, not just part of it. I want to be able to give again - to give my whole heart and not just part of it, not just the pieces that I managed to pick up. But all of it. I want to trust again. I dont want to doubt, or mistrust, or be wary of anyone again. I dont want to be afraid of being hurt again. I want to be able to love, to be bold and courageous, and give my heart to someone who would treasure me, and be able to recognise that person. not pre-maturely giving my heart away to someone else. Help me live my life day by day - help me to love, to accept people for who they are. Help me to see people the way You see them. I might just be saying all of these now, but I know that by Faith, one day, I will see it all come to pass. I WILL be able to see people for who You made them - and love them and encourage them and accept them for all that they are, not because they did right, but because You made them - wonderfully and beautifully! Lord, I declare that I will leave all my cares at Your feet. I will walk this journey day by day, trusting You to provide, trusting Your will and knowing that no matter what I see, Your plans prevail and nothing can get in Your way. I set aside all of my will and let Your will be done, not mine. Help me to see what You want done. Not my desire, but Your heart. Regardless of whether it is producing or acting or market australia, help me to walk by Your faith daily! To focus daily on the one thing that I need to do that day! Help me to live each day like it were the last - no regrets, no worrying about the future that has yet to come or might not even come. Help me be focused. Give me the courage to stay and stand still. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for loving me. No more questions. No more Giddeon fleece. Trust. Faith & Hope! Most of all, let LOVE reign in my life!

My prayer request

I'm desperately in need of help n a request for prayer is the only thing I can think of right now. 

I believed I followed God's calling to leave where I was comfortable in Australia Sydney, leaving behind friends n good support group, to return to Singapore where I was born. Purpose was to impact the media industry, bringing more Godly content and making a stand. 

But I've been overwhelmed by the challenges I am facing. Many of which are u expected. I'm not doing well physically as the food here is so different from what I am used to. I end up sleeping late beyond my usual bed time, waking late n constantly feeling lethargic. 

I get pms cravings, bloatedness n bad cramps now which I never did back in Australia. 

N in a recent conversation with a good Fren in Kuwait who also left cos of God's calling, I realise I don't seem to finish what I start out to do. 

I started out Attending bible college, wanting to do 2-3 years. However I chose to stop at the first year. 

Also, I did not officially graduate due to some issues and am pending probation till June for the school to decide if I fulfilled my probation. 

I also took up a tesol course which I am finding hard to finish. 

All my relationships seem to end abruptly. 

In my previous work places I never seem to stay long enough to see if a project was successful long term. I often had good success short term but could never seem to last a long race. 

I am afraid I am going through the same thing now. Daily I feel like giving up. Daily I feel like running away n returning to Australia. Daily I am loosing my temper and snapping at people which I hardly did when I was in Australia. 

I need help. I need prayer. 

I need my broken heart healed. 

I need strength n courage to continue the journey. 

I need companion n friends who could see me through in times like this and remind me of Jesus and His finished work n God's promise. 

I need faith to wait on God especially when circumstances are not for me - physical health, emotional health, financial health n opportunities in the industry. 

I need discernment to stay away from temptation and stay focused on what I have been called to do. I love acting and still desire to be in front of the screen. However I believe I have been called behind the camera to produce. Yet often I chase opportunities to be in front of the screen. I can't tell if it's my desire or what has been placed in my heart. Feels more like my own desire since it gives me the attention I desire. 

I need confirmation that this is what God has called me to. 

Please pray for me. 

Tired

I'm really tired. 

In Aus, even when I'm facing challenges there r people whom I can turn to. I've no one here. 

Maybe cos we r so big so it's easy to get isolated from the "world's" problems. But here in Sg, it's just right smack in my face. 

- People's complains n complacency

- People's disgruntlement

- My family's disgruntlement and lack of faith

Lord.... Being the seemingly only one to carry that faith and trust is really tiring. 

Ur promise is that Your yoke is light right so carry the burdens for me Lord. I don't want to have to worry about the monthly bills that I have to pay; the expenses incurred by myself n the family; nor the mortgage that needs to provide a roof over my head. 

Despite all the challenges that Emily faces in Sydney, should she return to Perth, she will have a roof over her head. 

Same for Jenny n Mo. 

But returning here to Sg, I have to worry about the bills at home. 

Daddy, this is not what I signed up for. 

Better for me to have stayed in Australia. 

Help!!! 

Really feel like selling all my things to get money which I can use now. But that would mean I have no providence for the future. 

What do I do?! 

Being tested

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands." - Deuteronomy 8:2

Has God performed a heart test on you lately? There are times in our lives when God leads us into the desert in order to let us find out what is in our heart. These times can be very difficult and humbling. They can test our mettle like no other time. Desert times often mean we are living without those things we are normally accustomed to: water, food, limited supplies - and with few comforts. In modern terms, it may mean a different environment. God is performing a very important work during these times. He wants to know if we can be obedient to Him in these times; or will we be obedient only when times are good?

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you" (Deuteronomy 8:3-5).

These desert times may mean experiencing new ways of provision from the Lord. Like manna from Heaven, it may mean seeing miracles we've never seen before. Like clothing that never wears out, it may mean seeing your normal capabilities expanded. Like walking hundreds of miles without pain, desert experiences provide new lessons and new experiences that only these times can teach us.

What desert experience has He brought into your life lately? Perhaps it is a lean time in business. Perhaps it is a new environment. Whatever it is, when God decides to bring new disciplines into our lives by bringing us into the desert, do not fear the heat that is sure to come. He is walking beside you in order to test you and find out what is really in your heart. Ask for His grace to pass the test. He wants to bring all of His children into the Promised Land.

I think this devotional that I read today is true of my situation. Now that the moment has passed or is passing, I can see that I was being tested on my obedience, to show what was in my heart. 

The dessert I had to endure when I first came back - the changes I had to deal with, the closed doors, the failed relationship. I really felt like God abandoned me. 

Until He showed me my heart - what I was chasing -> showbiz n game. That I knew I was being disobedient and unfaithful. 

It still is a challenge. I still yearn for that fame n glory and the "hopes" that it can bring me a better life. 

It's still a challenge daily to be obedient and honor my parents. To sit tight and patiently n expectantly wait for God to deliver His promises. Just like He promised the people of Israel when He took them out of Egypt. 

I was taken out of Egypt. But I didn't know I was going to be tested. 

Now everything seems to fall into place. 

2 -3 years ago I remember the Holy Spirit gently reminding me NOT to grumble like how the Israelites did. And I asked God to help me not to do that. But for the lady few months I know that was what I did. 

And several times I felt like the Israelites, complaining against God, wishing to be back in Egypt cos things were better there. 

Yes things were better in Australia. I had a better paid job. The weather was better. People were nicer and I had more support. 

But that was not God's promise to me. I was settling for second best. How could I not have seen it?! 

When I lost Jason, when the relationship collapsed, I whinged and cried. I was like the Israelites. 

I felt like Joseph in the pit. But I'm sure he didn't feel like me. I'm sure he had more faith than I did. Such that he was able to finally say to those who hurt him that though they meant to hurt him, he knew that God meant it for greater things and he forgave them. 

Will I ever be able to do that? 

Will I ever be able to say to those who hurt me over the years - my parents, siblings, ex bfs, people I gave my heart to and friends I cared about deeply; that no matter what they had intended for me, God had bigger plans and it all put me in a better place?!

I want to. Not cos it sounds like a nice idea but I really really want to, deep down in my heart! I want to be able to praise God. Not just in the good times but especially in the bad. 

Not to put on a show, but because God is really so good! 

I want to be able to say "my God has not forsaken me even though it all looks like it". Jesus trusted in God even though He asked God why He had forsaken Him. He knew why God turned His back on Him. 

But because God turned His back on Jesus, now He wouldn't turn His back on me! Cos Christ had paid the price! We can't pay it twice. It's silly!

I praise God for the sacrifice that He sent. I thank Jesus for the obedience He had! 

Oh Holy Spirit, fill me with Your word. Keep God's promises constantly alive in my heart, my soul and my mind! I thank You in Jesus' name. Amen! 

Thoughts after watching the last episode of Empress Ki

Thoughts after watching the last episode of Empress Ki - She is a strong lady. She had to face trial after trial in her life time. Becoming the Empress wasnt easy, but she got there. But the battles didnt stop there. She lost the throne and fled when Yuan got taken over by the rebels. How true the story is I dont know. They did say at the end that it was fictional. Regardless, I felt like I went through similar encounters as her. The first man she loved loved her for the whole of his life. She lost him. And later fell in love with the king. But even the king died and didnt spend the rest of his life with her. Reminded me of what Liyen said during the Beauty workshop - Most women there were close to 50. Some have already passed. She said that 50% of women age 50 would have had a loss of a partner. That struck me hard. I didnt lose anyone to any diseases, but I have lost so many people. Such that now I dont even want to think of a relationship. I dont know if its fear, its tired or just the knowledge or if you can call it revelation that what I seek in having a relationship would never satisfy me. I would still face problems, issues and obstacles. Now I am just living for myself. I dont have to deal with anyone else's stuff. In a relationship I would. Time and again, I would face disappointment, betrayal. Then what? I am so tired. Jason was the last straw. I had hoped. I found difficulty finding someone suitable after Toulia. Even being with Toulia was hard. I was already very tired. But still I yearned for someone. After Jason, I dont know any more. I do sometimes wish I had someone with me, to spend time with me, to travel with me. But I am really tired of people just leaving when things dont go the way they would like. I am precious and I deserve more. I have always stayed to work things out. But somehow all left. As much as I yearn to have someone love me like how the 2 kings loved Empress Ki, I am too tired to think about it and to search for it. Right now, being able to serve at TV and take nice camera shots, I am happy. And if I can grow as a producer and hopefully produce something one day that is internationally recognised and will tell the love of God in Truth, I will be satisfied. Finishing the show, I really had the deep aching. Really want to act and portray different characters. I love it. I cant deny that. And it hurts that it is not what God has for me. I am really so happy that I got the role for the teacher. Not only cos I need money but also cos it is something I love and enjoy and I really hope that I can do it well. Right now, I just want to have work that pays. So that I can pay the bills at home. It is frustrating but there is nothing much I can do. I wish I didnt have to deal with the bills at home. If I were single. If my parents were no longer around, I wouldnt have to deal with so many things but just for myself. It is a selfish thought but true. And I do not wish to curse my parents but a house over their heads and the monthly bills should have been their duty not mine. They should be someone that I can run to when I am in trouble. Yet through the years, I have felt nothing but the burden of their lack of finances and wisdom. God.... help.... You said that Your burden is light, Your yoke is light... so help me Lord... To pay the bills and provide for the family. Why does this have to be a constant burden? Like what Pastor Lian preached today - a monthly burden? Its times like this that I do not know why I am alive and I really wish to end my life! As an alien on this earth, I cant wait to return to my Father's kingdom in Heaven. And I dont know how else to other than taking my own life. I have nothing. I came with nothing, I can depart with nothing. Lord.... take my burden with You please. Provide for my family. I have obediently tithe during all my working times. So help me Lord. Fill my storehouses so I can bring more to You Lord!