The conversation called Honesty

I wish I knew how to be completely honest with God. But I dont even know how to be completely honest with myself, trying to be little miss perfect that as I share my inner thoughts and emotions, the "right" things to say come out instead of what I really want to say. Why is it that I always have so much to say, so many things going on in my mind when I'm ANYWHERE but near my computer or place of worship with God?! In the toilet, whilst I was brushing my teeth and preparing for the night, the thoughts came in, once again! I really want to act. No. I honestly cant remember again now. :( So many thoughts came to mind, yet I forgot. But as I remember them all one by one, I know that the very first thing that came to mind was Market Australia. I really want Market Australia to work - to grow, to bring retail profit, to bring residual income for me. So that I dont have to worry about finances. So that I can go do what I want - act, produce, serve in church, travel, see the world, help others in need, build God's kingdom.... all of it. I want to be as honest as my bones can get, to God. To myself. I DO enjoy acting. I want to be a star. I want to be a celebrity! I want to play roles which can show my potential. I want to play roles that are strong in character, that fight the villians, that make people cry, that have a happy ending. I want to change the world. I want to produce. Yet I do not know what I want to produce. I dont know what I need to do to change the world. I just want there to be more love, more care, more thanksgiving in this world. I want to see more selflessness, more generosity, less exploitation, more justice, more fairness, more victory stories, more witnessing, more of everything of God in this world. More of Jesus. But I dont know how that works. I dont know what His plans are - for me, for the world. Well, other than the mega big picture and ending of having everyone know who He is and saving the world, I dont know what His immediate plans are or His plans for me in the near future. When will I meet my husband? When will I stop striving and worrying about money? When will I ever get to do what I really enjoy? Then again, the question is - what DO I enjoy? Acting? Producing? Both I would say. Definitely acting. But the comparison that I constantly make, taking others to benchmark myself against.... is really not helping. Its not making me any better an actress, nor growing my self esteem. I talk as though I have all the self esteem in the world. But I am far from it! I have so many issues! Just seeing how well Rayson was able to entertain the kids today, and knowing that it was not my style nor my way of doing things, was a sure telltale. And then his ability to act and do things that I was not able to do or think about - another telltale sign of my insecurities. :( I dont want to think about such stuff. I really dont want to be affected by such things anymore. I am a child of God. My value is not defined by what I have done, what I have. Or the number of people how like me or think that I am pretty. Sidetrack - I really dont like leonard and I really want to stay far away from him as possible. I do not want him to have any thoughts of liking me either. I dont like many things about him and that includes his family. Not that they are bad people... its just .... they are the typical christians that I dont like and I really dont want that. I'm really glad to know that Rayson and Liping are now both christians. And how he was today and what he spoke of, makes me hungry to be around people like that. It feels like FINALLY! some people in singapore are actually real christians and not the christian wana be or the christian that the world wants to see. Daddy, what's my next step? Do I continue in the producer road? Or can I pursue acting? Can I actually have both? I would love to. Cos it is not always that I come across the roles that I would love to be in. As much as I doubt my gifts and talents in acting, I too doubt my ability in being a producer. But I am definitely more confident in being producer than an actress. I dont see my beauty as others see it. God, I know You made me beautiful, but I think I have a certain standard in my head that I dont feel I live up to, so when people say I am pretty, I cant see it. Unveil these blind eyes of mine so I can see Lord. Let me see the beauty that You have created. Not by my eyes but by Yours. Only by being able to see with Your eyes the beauty that I have, I believe that I can see the beauty in others. Now, it is only my self effort to love others, not Your love overflowing from my heart. So help me Lord. God .... what's next? You have given me the confirmation that I asked for regarding producing. I got the work attachment with TJ. It isnt paying me what I imagined. I had thought $2K would be good. My finances are much more than what the assignment is paying. How Lord? I have been to several casting hoping it can bring me extra, but I have not heard back either. Jeevan's production, Wa Wayang, Adrian's casting - none of them have replied me. Tang hasnt gotten back to me either. And I dont know about MVP either. CH8 also has not gotten back to me for the June project nor the August project. Lord, You are my Provider. You have always provided more than enough for me. Once again, I lay that worry at Your feet. You know what's best for me. You know how much I need. Just as You provided for me when I stepped down to take a pay cut at akamedia, I know You will bless me with what I need just as You did when You placed me at Aegis media. I got to work at an MNC, with all my criteria fulfilled. And I got to go on a subsidised trip to the snow, with the snow being the best in all season! Remind me Lord how much You love me! How closely You are watching over me. And how far You will not allow me to fall from Your side! Next Lord, please fix my broken heart. I want to be able to move on, forget all the pain that was once inflicted on my body and heart by the men in my past, the mistakes that I made. I want to love. And love with all my heart, not just part of it. I want to be able to give again - to give my whole heart and not just part of it, not just the pieces that I managed to pick up. But all of it. I want to trust again. I dont want to doubt, or mistrust, or be wary of anyone again. I dont want to be afraid of being hurt again. I want to be able to love, to be bold and courageous, and give my heart to someone who would treasure me, and be able to recognise that person. not pre-maturely giving my heart away to someone else. Help me live my life day by day - help me to love, to accept people for who they are. Help me to see people the way You see them. I might just be saying all of these now, but I know that by Faith, one day, I will see it all come to pass. I WILL be able to see people for who You made them - and love them and encourage them and accept them for all that they are, not because they did right, but because You made them - wonderfully and beautifully! Lord, I declare that I will leave all my cares at Your feet. I will walk this journey day by day, trusting You to provide, trusting Your will and knowing that no matter what I see, Your plans prevail and nothing can get in Your way. I set aside all of my will and let Your will be done, not mine. Help me to see what You want done. Not my desire, but Your heart. Regardless of whether it is producing or acting or market australia, help me to walk by Your faith daily! To focus daily on the one thing that I need to do that day! Help me to live each day like it were the last - no regrets, no worrying about the future that has yet to come or might not even come. Help me be focused. Give me the courage to stay and stand still. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for loving me. No more questions. No more Giddeon fleece. Trust. Faith & Hope! Most of all, let LOVE reign in my life!