Tempting

You reckon I'll be ok? If I were to tell Jason I was sorry and he replied back just as Phillips did? I don't know. I don't know if I am ready to hear from him yet. I only know I feel sorry for what I did and wished that I could take it all back. I set up the post for all to read, so that I can encourage. But through this year, I have done nothing but to lament and complain and cry. I wish I were stronger. I wish I was really a bringer of joy rather than misery. You reckon I could ever get out of being mean and nasty? It seems so much of a habit now that I wonder if it would ever change. I want to be nice and stylish. Like Ou Se Young. I'm tired. Maybe cos I'm sick. Jesus help me. That I be nice. Nicole said to read Right Believing. And that the last 5 chapters will help. I think it was for her. It was God's way of speaking to her. Its not for me though. Cos I felt nothing. :( Everything that Joseph Prince talked about in the book, I already know. And he is not the issue. I am. Something is missing! The Revelation of what he is talking about is missing! I know Christ died for me. I know I am loved cos of that. Cos His death repaired the broken relationship between me and God. I know all my sins are forgiven. I know all my sicknesses have been borne by Jesus. But they are all stuck in my head. What happened? What's wrong? I sound as though I am so jaded that nothing seems to get into my thick skull! Perhaps that's why God had to wake me in the middle of the night to speak to me. Cos in my full consciousness, I can't listen. I wish I had a tall dark handsome Korean dude would rescue me out of this. errr wait.. Koreans aint dark... Nevermind about the dark. Just tall, rich and handsome. Wide palms and long fingers. Nice smile and teeth. Sparkly eyes. Sigh... I'm already 38 coming 39. Am I being unrealistic? How realistic is one supposed to be? It really gets confusing Lord, cos some of the things that You ask of us is unrealistic. So when is it realistic by You and unrealistic by the world, and when is it just wishful thinking? :( Oh how I wish I knew who I was and what my heart was really feeling/thinking. I seem to be going around the bush. When God when?! Who God who?!

Hurt

It was either God speaking to me or well.... God speaking to me, showing me that I have been causing hurt in the lives of the people whom I love, pushing them away through the choice of words i use. 

Just because I believe strongly in something doesn't mean I should impose it on others n make them feel bad n wrong about it. Eg Philips - I don't think we would have ended that badly if I hadn't gone into fear and panic thinking the worst of him -> thinking that he has met someone else and forgotten bout me. 

Firstly it means I don't trust myself. I don't think that I am good enough and that whichever guy who likes me will find someone else better. 

Secondly, I don't trust him. No guy likes to not be trusted. Every guy (even the bad ones) like to be trusted. 

N then when he told me bout wanting a degree. Although I had my pov, i guess the way I put things across to him perhaps wasn't the kindest. I'm not sure how I did it or said it but I'm pretty sure I hurt him. 

Then there is Jason. Again, my fears got the better of me and I got paranoid. That probably pushed him away. But what pushed him away more is probably the things I said that we're hurtful. It's more than once that I know I hurt him. Made him cry once. Hurt him when we talked n then later with Debbie's incident. He probably felt unwanted n rejected. Why would he want to stay around? 

I also rem jack n how I pushed him aside. N of cos there was Zac. 

There were bad ones too like Craig, Andrew n all. But nice guys who would have made great husbands like Ryan m Steven, I hurt them without even thinking. Just cos I was selfish. 

Maybe I do deserve to be single. 

I really hope things change. I really hope Gods love can fill me till my heart is overflowing. I cannot bear to ensure another season of pain. To myself not to others. 

I don't like me when I'm nasty. I can see it when I turn around to look back. But the injury is already caused. Nothing can change it. 

I hope they all can forgive me. Especially Jason. He's probably moved on. But whatever it is, I hope God heals his heart. Perhaps I should say I'm sorry. Perhaps not. Maybe now is not the right time. 

I just want everything to pass and be well. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. A person full n whole is able to deal with those who hurt. N I wana be healed n complete like God promised. 

So Lord, I surrender all the areas of my heart to you. Help me to forgive all who have hurt me and fill my broken heart with Your love. Help me to love others as You love me for I know that deep down inside, no one wants to hurt another. 

I don't think I'll contact Jason yet cos I'm afraid to know how he is doing. I just want to say I'm sorry but I don't want contact from him. I'm afraid of him telling me that he is attached n happy now. 

It shouldn't change anything. Cos it doesn't say anything about me. But still there is pain cos it seems like I have been rejected once again even though I have not. 

God fill me with Your love please. 

Why Korea?

Why Korea? - I don't know. Maybe it's too many Korean movies. I just want to experience life there Fears - I don't know if I will make a good teacher - I don't know if I will get it through the year - I don't know what will happen if I don't get through the year or regret halfway - I'm scared that it's a wrong decision n I would have wasted time - even if it just 1 yr or 2 yrs I'm afraid it's a wrong decision. Then what? I'm not young anymore. What am I going to do if Korea is not it? - I would have to start all over again. I've made so many decisions that caused me to lag behind everyone else already. -> acting -> going to Aus -> then back again -> then to aus again That was a total of almost 8 yrs wasted Then finally got it to advertising and doing well. Then I decide to do college. N again I'm in a mess. Why college? - I had been curious about it for years. 4 years or more. - thought God called me to college - had a burning desire to know more -> history of the church n etc that I had learnt in evening college. - what I learnt fr evening college was good to share. Helped me to give better perspectives when teaching discovery - thought that it was something I would want to move into. But going into college showed me wrong. Everyone else in there had more theology than I did! Everyone in there was a better Christian than I!! -> I felt useless -> I felt worthless -> I felt unqualified What did I like bout teaching discovery? - debunking all the myths n hearsays Eg God is good but only to some God does bad things too Tongues is not for all Why back to Singapore? Why productions? - productions cos of the conversations I had with Zon. I wanted to impact people. Maybe not evangelize outright but I wanted to be in a space where I could tell people bout Jesus. Especially the wrong that they've heard bout Christianity - I still longed to be on tv. There were roles I wanted to play. I tot maybe I could both produce and act. Cos many said I should come back n that the new actors were crap Why waver now? - cos I don't have the confidence. I don't think I am as good as the new actors. I don't have the "practice" that they have now - the process of "hunting" for work, going for casting etc is tedious, hard and I don't like it. I want an agent to represent me but no one is interested to. No one sees value in me. -> causes me to get depressed cos makes me feel like I have no value - I'm starting from scratch again and I am not willing to. - yet I don't have the necessary experience to be a producer right off. I know I have the ability to project manage. But I don't have enough experience to carry out a project without first being an assistant - I don't like the freelance part of it where I don't know when the next cheque would come - I don't like the hunting for jobs - I love being on set but I don't like the heat rash I get from being in non air con places What bout advertising? Would u consider returning? - yes. Cos logically it is the most stable. N I am already somewhere But.... - but I don't know whether to stay in Sg or to return to Aus. - I don't know if I could find a job here that I like cos of how Singaporeans are. Right now where are you leaning towards? - productions only if it's with mm2 - otherwise it's pretty much Korea - I see myself living there, out if touch with everything. N not getting bothered by anyone No comparison, no envy, no jealousy, no coveting - mayb n hopefully I get to find a church there that I can contribute to. Be it teaching them to be better at their English or knowing Christ better. I wana make a difference to people's lives. No. I want people to do the right thing no think that starting from young is a good idea I think that the environment in Korea allows for more compassion than in SG. BUT.... But I cant go around wanting people to do the right thing. Only those who are willing to, those who want to... then they might be willing to learn and do the right thing. The church thing is really a draw card. NCC, doesnt have the platform for me to do what I want to do - teach discovery. Correct wrong mindsets. Whether it is productions, teaching, volunteering, living my life etc, the backbone of everything is to correct mindsets. Whether it is mindsets about the world or about Jesus, morality, ethically. I enjoyed AKLTG cos I got to set the rules. Even if it was just within the camps - not just the students had to follow the rules, but the coaches and trainers had to as well. It made me feel good. Cos rules were followed, we were teaching the right thing and most of all, I played a part to influence that. I think those years were one of the most difficult where I kept falling sick and worked late nights and hours. But I chose to do it, not cos of money but cos I felt there was a need. Kids learn from examples. And I wanted the best examples set. They kept saying its not about right or wrong. But it is. There is a core part of it that IS about right or wrong. It is not right to be selfish! Although I"m not asking people to let themselves be door mat. Then again if we look at it from a holistic perspective, if everyone were selfless, why would anyone be a door mat? Cos there wont be anyone to take advantage of the person.

Unhealthy thoughts

I know these thoughts are unhealthy, but somehow I cant keep them from coming today. Somehow, today, they overwhelm me. I know I am a good person. I have good character traits and a good heart. Yet I cant help but feel less than an ant. Jason walked away from knowing me. But with everything that has happened to me and those around me, somehow I feel like they are better off without me. Jason, my family, the earth in general. It hurts alot. I cant stop crying. I feel like I'm going back into depression. Why I dont know. Maybe cos I cant find a reason for living. I dont feel like I am contributing in any way. I thought I had alot to give, but the people around me dont seem to want to take it. Should I stay on here in Singapore or should I go to Australia or some part of the world where no one knows me? I still feel like going to Korea. Maybe they will take me in there. Maybe the children there will love me. Jesus.... you said that all I need is you. I have you dont I? Then why do I still feel this way? It been almost 1 year.... that he chose to walk away. That he broke my heart beyond repair. Yet why does it still feel like yesterday? I want to create content. Cos I want the world to be a better place. But are people willing to listen? Are people willing to watch? The things I want to share, to tell... people know it already. They dont need me to tell them. Like be nice. Be kind. Be considerate. Yet the world is still so selfish, so greedy, so mean, so unkind. How do I tell a story that will not bore them, but put them into action? That people will do something to change their lives? I wish there is someone who can say I make him smile. Just as I want people to bring out the best in me, I want to bring out the best in others too. I seem to have lost my strength, the courage Jesus gave me, the faith & the trust I had in God. I feel like I'm a waste of skin to mankind. No one will remember me when I die, if I were to disappear. There's no legacy that I left here on this world. Those I dated... they have their families now. NO one remembers me. Those that borke my heart... they too have moved on and had their happy families. What am I? Why am I here?

Resolve

Having found out and read my personality profile, this time, I think it is the most accurate - ISFJ. None other profiles have better described me in such a way that I could relate so well to the emotions described in the profile. Unfortunately that's like 14% of the world population. Which actually means many people should understand me yet they dont. 

 After reading the profile, and the hoo-has that has happened with AGS, plus that weirdo that pm me; I've decided that I am not going to take things so personal. I am going to take a step back and just let go. If I let everything bother me, it will kill me one day. I guess the profile has just enlarged it and placed it right smack in my face. I really like being happy. 

But trying to control everyone around me, especially my loved ones - how they think, what they do, what they value (or not).... and trying to get everyone to do the RIGHT thing... it just exhausts me. Enough is enough. I want to be God's star student, but I think I want to keep my sanity and health above all things - I guess like what Jesus said - Keep my Peace... Things that are unrelated, absurd, uncontrollable, I'm not to deal with it. 

I just want to focus on the things I like. e.g. Hanging out with my friends and their kids (sandra & michelle), hanging out with my CG, serving at Visual Arts, Going on holidays, capturing beautiful moments with my camera, and just enjoying the life that God has given me. 

 Yes, often I feel as though my life has been hard. But when I really look at it, God has blessed me heaps. There are things that I dont have right now - money, husband, children. But they are probably things that God knows I am unable to deal with right now. I still miss him. But I know that I will soon forget him. without him, I will still learn how to enjoy the beautiful moments of life - the sunsets, sunrises, kodak moments ... just the creation that God made. I know I am worthy of love. And God has someone for me. And it is not my fault, or the fault of any of the guys that I dated, that I have been so hurt. Its just me. I take relationships seriously. It was just a bad match. Although there are times when I wished that things could be different, so I dont have to feel the pain of loss, I know it is not their fault. One day, I will meet someone who will treasure me. Someone whom will appreciate the loyalty and fierce devotion my character and personality brings. 

 For now, its chill time. Doesnt matter if I am where God wants me. He will take me there. But I have to enjoy the journey, otherwise, life will just pass so quickly. I have made friends from all over the world. And although they cannot be with me all the time, but at least I have them as my friends- to love, to care for & be loved by them. 

I tink the phrase Life is a Journey is taking more meaning in my life now. 

What do I want?

What is it that I want? I really don’t know. In all honesty, I really wanted to be that obedient child and follow God’s will. I wanted to “surrender” all my wanton desires into His hands. But doesn’t seem like I’m doing it really well. I have issues surrendering. I came back to do productions, or so I thought. I thought it would be something that would make me happy. But here at MVP group, I am not happy. And I havent found freelance work either. Also, feels like a struggle for me dealing with the freelance market - the issues that come with it. e.g. not knowing when i'll get paid, or if i'll get paid. There are no regulations protecting that industry. There are no medical or health or life benefits. I need to talk to someone who can be neutral yet be brutally honest, yet understand what it means to leave things in God’s hands! Not people with an agenda like Liyen. I want to do a food & travel blog/videolog. And the parenting one. Only cos those are close to my heart. If I can write a story and have it produced for tv drama or film, that would be great. But I don’t know… I don’t know if I have enough dream/passion to push that through as my life time desire. And of cos there's that desire to be in a sci-fi movie or Medieval time period movie/drama cos of the action and all. But I would say its like a dream I have rather than passion. Sitting here at Starcom, answering to briefs, I feel like I enjoy it. The challenge of being able to answer a client’s brief, solve their challenges. But I really don’t like working with Calvin. I really struggle with his communication style. And no matter how much I try to accept him the way he is, being my boss, and someone that I would have to work with, I really dont know how to cope. The struggle is knowing that God has a plan for me. Yet not knowing what it is. Trying to “surrender” yet not being able to deal with the emotions that keep arising. Fear, needs, desires, feeling left behind etc. I need help. I need someone to help me make a decision and stick with it. Ok... What I like about production? - That I can tell stories to impact people's lives! - The "free & easy" timing that's different from everyone else. I dont mind working on weekends and get the freedom to have an off day on a weekday when everyone else is working. In fact I prefer that cos I dont like the crowds. - The glam that is inherently involved. e.g. when the movie comes out and receives good review, free tickets to the movies. hmmmm that's about it? dang... thought there was more - Despite the low start pay and unstable situations, if i do well, I can become a line producer which we are short of. They can earn up to 6 figures a month. But still... no benefits. - Gives me the freedom to do what i want - travel when i have no projects. can say no to projects i dont want to do, etc. Have the time to produce my own stuff (although nothing much has been done) What I dont like about production? This is taking it from the freelance side. Its a different story if I get employed by mm2. - There is no fixed income. My income is always debatable and negotiable. - There is no guarantee on the team that I work with (good & bad) - There are no health benefits, no CPF - No aircon - often out in the open. I have a huge allergy to Singapore weather - There is no future for it. How long can I do it? - Not sure if i can deal with the instability - I'm not trained in the industry. I dont know if the things i want to do, can i actually do it Fears: - That I am entering it too late - That I am not liked by people and so no one wants to hire me now (that obviously defeats God's promise that His favour is upon me and that He will bring the right people into my circle of life right?!) - That maybe I got it all wrong! What I want: - Stable income with increasing pay - Being able to travel to places that I want to go - Being able to spend on things I like instead of having to think 3-4 times before making a decision Why do I not want to go back into advertising? - Feels silly. Came all the way back here just to join a singapore agency? Life was good for me in Australia. - Had felt empty back in australia doing advertising. Prob is it might not be the job. It might just be like what Joseph Prince said - God created our hearts for Him to be so big that nothing in the world can fill it! - There's alot more politics and back biting in Singapore. If I were to go back to advertising, makes more sense to return to Australia. Yet I keep feeling like there's something calling me to stay. Not sure if its unfinished business or what. Why would I return to advertising? - Cos I know I can do it. Its a job that I believe I can enjoy (although also depends on the clients and the teams I work with) - Stable income (monthly pay) What do I not like about where I am at now - MVP Group - I feel underpaid for doing agency work - I have difficulty understanding my boss and what he wants. Keep having to do double work. No direction. - I am not employed by Starcom, so I dont feel like I belong. - When I present content ideas, I have to keep within the content idea boundary rather than a big picture marketing concept - The actual company location is far - about 1 hr journey via public transport. Starcom is less - There are alot of rumours about the boss and the company - There is no one I can 'lean on' in the company. Only the boss but he is too busy and he has his own direction/agenda Options Find out where God wants me to head: - Wait till end of the week for mm2 to offer contract - Wait till end of the week to hear back from 6 degrees regarding application for 4 week producer course in usa -> If I get any of the above then its a confirmation that Production is still the way to go -> If I dont get any of the above then will return to advertising - Then its sending in resumes to agencies but *Dont know what pay to ask for *Dont know which position to go for as positions and job scopes are different in each company Oh Lord... Give me the courage and patience to wait. And show me the direction please.

Pleasing the world

I know I can't please everyone. Yet we all know that even for those of us who would say we don't care what the world thinks, there's a part of us deep down inside that want to be accepted and liked. Just that not everyone will work hard towards doing it to get people to like us. 

In saying so, I've realised that the 2 groups of people I've encountered in my life that's hardest to please. Actually make that 3. 

1. Christians

2. Singaporeans 

3. Family

The first 2 somehow often think that they are better than others and the world owes them. 

Christians expect everyone to be perfect, especially their own fellow Christians. This is from my experience n I'm also guilty of it at times. 

Singaporeans, well somehow our government has taught us that we know it all, cos most of us speak 2 languages, so amongst the Asians, we are better than them cos we speak English well. 

And amongst the Caucasians, we speak an additional language which the Brits, Americans, Canadians (except for French Canadians), Australians n New Zealanders don't. So again, we tink we are better. 

And cos of the oppressive nature of the government whilst we were growing into a mature country, a first world country, some call it; many have kept their anger n angst hidden. So they complain like the world owed them everything. But won't lift a finger when needed. 

N lastly family, they think they know you. They know all about u n despite differences, they think they have a right to make demands in u. Well, in my case that is. Nothing pleases them. No thank you, you did a good job, I appreciate it, etc. 

Always criticism. Maybe the saying familiarity breeds contempt is very true. 

Well, God has chosen to have me stay and be alive so, I guess there's much to be done. 

I am alive to please God, so His things matter. I only need the audience of 1.  No matter how difficult things might be, I have to keep the shalom peace Jesus left behind for me. 

No bulldozers shall shake me. No turbulent seas or earthquakes shall move me. He has set me where He wants me to be and faithfully I shall wait expectantly. For His deliverance, for Hos return, for His providence. 

Amen 

Disgusted

I'm so sick and tired of Singaporeans. They are often so good at sitting with arms crossed demanding to be fed and then complaining bout what is given to them. (Mind you, it's all free!) 

When asked why wait till everything is over to complain and not have things changed earlier by giving feedback, they have all sorts of excuses. 

Yes... Continue staying where you are, arms crossed, demanding to be fed. See if you will eventually starve to death! 

Ungrateful!!

You do what you can to help. Yet it's not enough. Not only did you do it for free but also paid so you can help. But mankind is just so greedy and self centered. They don't care.

I really don't know what to do anymore. In fact I really don't want to care anymore. God... I don't want to fight. I just want to live my life out. Enjoy food, traveling and just pure relaxation. 

I cannot understand why we need to fight one another. Why we humans seem to think that for one to win another has to lose. And that if we lost then someone must have gained? 

What if it was all bout a heap of wrong decisions and so both parties lost?! Then what? Does it make us feel better that someone else lost?! 

Oh God, help me to live my life lord. Help me to accept the world the way it is. 

What I can do and share, that's a bonus. The rest, is up to You to change. 

 Tired. I don't want to fight anymore. Why bother. 

As long as I have a job that I enjoy, that pays me, that allows me to go on holiday, I think that is enough. 

I can't be anymore ambitious to try to provide for the future generations. I can hardly provide for myself or my family. So help me God. Teach me what to do. Guide me in my steps. Remove me from frustration. Help me wait in peace n expectations. 

You are the keeper of this world. You are the creator and dictator. So what of the heavens n the skies that You created for us to enjoy? Show us what might things be. 

Lord, you know that this job I'm in is not for me. I want a life. I don't want to end work so late at night. 

Give me the peace to let go of things. And to return to where I once was with You. Help me grow more and surrender more. Help me let go. 

Through tears, through frustrations, I thank You Lord that at least I have a job. I can feed myself n those around me if need be. 

I don't see eye to eye with what Calvin is doing or how he is tinking. But I am not there to stop him. You are. I can only be a messenger. So Lord, since You have touched his heart then speak to him and deal with him. Change his heart, soften his heart. Let him see hope and may he deal integrously. Let him have the revelation that life has absolutes! Your love for us is absolute! 2,000 years ago, 2,000 years later, today and 2,000 years more to come! Your love for us is absolute! 

How can I tell Your story? How can I tell the world about You? 

Oh lord Jesus!!! 

Pride?!

Omg I'm really pissed off with Singaporean men. Or is it just my boss? 

Honestly he thinks he is communicating greatly! But he isn't. There are so many things he missed out. No issue if that happens. Just don't be so smug bout everything else. 

I really wana smack him on the head just like mike. Both of them! 

Early 30s male! 

Both doesn't know how to communicate and I have no patience with both. Damn it. Is this what God wants me to learn? To have patience with them and to communicate with them in respect and grace? 

Seriously. 1 is bloody demanding. 

The other, has all his ideas up in his head yet doesn't communicate what he wants. 

Eg Wednesday's meeting at Starcom. Thankfully I was taking notes. Otherwise, how in the world would I know that I would have to send minutes over? 

Then ask me to send through minutes. Yet refuse to give me template. Thinks everything is easy. But every company is different. So show me the templates and I'll follow accordingly. Otherwise my minutes will be different. Now it's just wasting my time. 

Concerns

Again I am filled with concerns. I need to keep my eyes on Jesus! I need to rem that He has already gone before me to sort things out! 

I really feel useless!! Everyone of my frens have gone ahead of me. Earning more than I have, or making a name for themselves. But me.... I seem/feel stuck! 

I can bet that even Emily would b earning more than I doing a casual job back in Aus! 

I need to stop comparing. I need to be content with what I have. I need to stop worrying about my future cos My God has already taken care of it!  

He knows what I want. He knows what I like! N Jesus died so I can have that kinda relationship with God - that of a Father n daughter. Which Father would not try to give His daughter everything that she wants? As long as it is good for her?! 

We humans are weak n short sighted. We make mistakes. Eg mom and how the family is "accepting" to Terence's wrongs. N "let things go". 

Abba Father doesn't have that flaw. He is just. He is righteous. He is holy. But He is filled with grace n love. My trust is in My God! My trust is in Jesus! Because of Jeuss, God will fulfill His promises to me. Because of Jesus, God will bless me and make a great nation after me. 

I just need to take my eyes off the obstacles n look to Jesus n know what Ge has already done for me! So how much more would I need to do for myself?! 

Conflicts

Conflicts happen not just within the heart, but also at work, at home, with friends.... everywhere in fact. Had a conflict with my colleague yesterday. Boss says that its just the way he is. He is a loyal and faithful worker. Perhaps just a little traditional and old fashioned. Well, he's exactly the kind of person I dislike. Or rather he's the kind of person with values I dislike. Everything is about hierarchy and respect, rather than just good clear communication. To me, his communication was poor. Nothing to do with education or english language strength. Its gota do with personality and exposure -> what some say is EQ right? Well, I thought I was bad, but he is worse. Is that something to celebrate? Not really. His demise is my suffering. And then today, I get a shock. Calvin seems to enjoy changing things in his mind and not communicating it. When I first went for interview, it was for a Producer role and then I would go out and pitch. But after my 2nd meeting with him, it changed to digital media content producing. Today, out of the blue, just cos he was inspired, he decided to add another responsibility to my list. I really dont know how to take this. I dont know if I am in the wrong company or I am in the right company but being distracted and stretched. What is Your will Lord? The picture that Calvin draws seems really great! Producing online content. However, there's this hint of arrogance that I am unsure about. Everything has its place. Sure, many things are going online now, but there's still a reason why people are going to the movies. There's still a reason why Hollywood is still producing blockbuster. There is no absolute to which is the right way. Its just a choice - are you after the money and chasing the wave or are you passionate about making great movies. I am just as conflicted on this aspect. If I were to focus on making money and chasing the wave, following the trend then yes, online is definitely the way to go. Regardless whether I stay here in Singapore or return to Australia, I can return to advertising. However, if I am passionate about making movies, then it wouldnt be with Calvin's company. I really wish that mm2 would reply soon. Cos that way, I would know whether I am to join mm2 or not. I guess I am so stuck cos I am afraid of making the wrong move. I am no longer young. I know God knows best, so I really wish He would close all doors thats not of His will. I really dont know if the role at mm2 is for me. I also worry about their working hours and expectations. At least with Calvin, we've ironed out few things. I know kinda how the company will run. mm2.... I dont see eye to eye with the not letting leave be carried over and no compensation on that. Producing can get quite busy. Also, I am unsure of my job scope. Other than paperwork, what else is there? I do not just want to do paperwork. Yes, the pay that they MIGHT offer is tempting. Its alot more compared to what I'm getting at Calvin's, if it is what I am asking God for. $3.2K is good but a miracle and a sign from God would be if I can get $3.5K + cpf. That's $4.8K - $8.4K annually. That's 1-2 holidays! But I dont know what the potential is like. Do I want to produce movies or do I want to have a good life?! Lord help me please. I really cant figure it out. I just feel underpaid for taking the job with Calvin, cos if I were to be involved with digital content in an agency, I get paid much more. I dont want to be myopic and only see the problems. He keeps saying "if this does well, which he thinks it will", then I have to grow the LT team. I've heard that many times over. It never happens that way. Diana said that, Andrew said that. But the company never grew. Blk A was small and it grew and now, it has shrunk again. Just like akamedia. Or should I just return to Australia?