Soul mate

Of cos it would be nice to have a soul mate to travel with me, to spend my living years in earth with me, accomplishing the task that God set up for us. 

But as many have told me and I advise others, having a soul mate isn't everything. With a set of blessings come a set of responsibilities and a set of challenges. 

I feel envious of others when I see couples "deeply in love". But I also know of issues that happen behind the scenes. Look at my brother and sis in law, Jaimie, Josephine, Jun and some other women who have to deal with husband issues. 

Although I am not doing much, I know that I have a lot on my plate at the moment. 

Yes I still want to meet my husband and get married and have kids. 

But I will no longer depend on having a soul mate to fulfill that emptiness I feel inside or provide for my needs, even though sometimes I feel really tired and don't feel like doing the work I should do for ministry or my lifelihood. 

I know I have God with me. He is bigger than any issues I have, than any mistake I can ever make; and loves me more than any man would ever love me. 

Although sometimes I might feel disappointed, tired, alone, betrayed, forgotten; God will give me the grace to overcome. He is my Provider, my Maker, my Protector. 

He will always be with me. 

Thank You Daddy God!!

I can even love you cos You first loved me! 

Trust and belief

He didnt trust me. He didnt belief me. He didnt think that I would be able to work things out with him. I want a man with courage. Not a coward. The men I dated were all cowards.

live life

I feel so lost. I am struggling yet I dont know what I am struggling with. I feel like an invalid. I dont seem to have a purpose in life. The things I want in life, I cant seem to reach. Acting, husband, family... they all seem so out of reach. Trying to live life like everyone else seems so aimless. There is nothing to look forward in life. That's not how God planned my life, I am sure. So why is this happening to me? I think what I want is very simple, yet I am unable to achieve it. Yet many others seem to be able to achieve what they want. Am I that useless? I have tried everything I can. I am tired. I have so much yet I feel as though I have nothing. I know so much, yet it doesnt add an ounce of value to my life. I just seem to know how to tell people how to live their lives. I dont know how to live life anymore.

Greater glory

This is a year of greater glory yet looking at the titles of my posts, I seem to be going through issues. 

Am I an addict to bad news? So much so that I create them? 

Why can't I live my life such that I am enjoying every moment? Appreciating everything that has been given to me?

I feel like I'm a bad person, coming home, coming to family lunch and just spoiling the mood for all. 

I hate it. I hate me. 

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed living at home. 

Mom is non stop talking. Coming in to chat as and when she likes and not being sensitive to my needs. 

Her thoughts run so wild. She loves commenting on people. She has so many assumptions, evaluations, judgments about people. And when you point it out to her or ask her to stop she has her excuses why she shouldn't. 

Dad has this sense of righteousness which I guess I inherited. He always thinks that he is right. Doesn't give room for mistakes. Likes to tell people what to do. 

There always has to be noise in the house. If not the tv it is chatting. Not bout important stuff but bout other people. How blessed they are or how silly they are or what they've done etc. 

My peace, silence and personal is gone. Although I have a room of my own I can't even find sanctuary in it. 

I wonder if I should move out. 

How will I find my spouse?

In Sg, I am known. And there's this stigma I have about my status. Cos I never know if I am pursued cos it's exciting to date a celebrity or I am pursued cos I am interesting n intriguing as me. 

In Aus, I am not known, yet the guys are so laid back I have not been pursued much. 

Lord God, how in the world will I find someone who loves me for who I am and not what I have or the status that I have? 

How will my ministry in media help make this better? Am I supposed to surrender and accept that perhaps I am not meant to have a life partner?!?!

Help me....... Jesus..... I am sinking.... 

Help 

Eat well, sleep well, live well

I will eat well, sleep well, rest well and live well. 

I cannot, shall not and will not cry over this. It might seem like a loss now. But I know that I will have better things coming up. 

I will trust in God my Father. I will trust in the finished work of Jesus. 

Hurts

I thought I was prepared for it. Cos I had already been crying over him, surrendering the relationship to God and letting him go. 

But I never expected hearing what I heard from him would hurt so much. That he had let go cos of his perception of me. What he says is not false. Yet it is also not the truth. 

But him choosing not to have the relationship cos of himself, it hurts. Feels as though I am not valuable enough for him to work things out. 

And he thinking that we have talked over things, when they had always been different perceptions and interpretations also hurt. It was obvious he didn't want any relationship. I feel used. I feel as though he had never wanted a relationship. 

Actually it was his tone of voice. The impatience. 

Or perhaps I was just too sensitive. Whatever it is, I don't wana think about it already. 

My value, my identify feels attacked. It hurts so much. 

But I will get over this. God gives me the strength. 

Closed door

I'm glad I am home in Sg. At least I was able to sort things out with Jason. It had been bugging me for a long time. 

I feel so misunderstood. My expectations n what he thought of me. 

He set those expectations up. 

How come I get the blame? 

It hurts. I really liked him. But this will be the last time I will speak of him. 

It is a new season. A new chapter in my life. I must move on. He has. And my value is greater than to mop around over him. 

I know who I am. I know what I can put up with. I know I have the characteristics of a good wife. And a good mother. 

God has gifted me and guided me and prepared me for those roles. I will not give up. I will believe. I know God has someone for me. Whom He prepared specifically for me and me for him. And I will wait for God's chosen time to meet him and join in union with God's blessings. 

New chapter. New season. New opportunities. New doors. New paths. 

The old is gone. The new has come. 

Praise God!

Amen! 

What do I do?

What should I do? About my flight back to Sydney? Should I book it before valentines day in time for 14 Feb ceremony and just trust that it would happen? 

I don't want to waste money. 

And it frustrates me. 

I know You provide everything, including the money to get my ticket. But if I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone, isn't it better? 

Oh Lord.... Tell me which date I should book? Fill me with Your peace. 

He has provided!

2014 has been proclaimed as a difficult year. But for some reason, it comes across to me as an exciting year. A year where many things will happen. Not just anything but good things. Although the deepest desire is still having a husband and a family, and I dont see any of that at the moment; I know that God has already provided. All that I need has been laid down 2000 years ago when Christ died on the cross - my husband, my children, my career, my gifts, talents, blessings. It is an odd feeling that I have - even though I had loved Hillsong greatly over the last few years and definitely learnt much there, but the session I had with Veinny definitely found myself in God's very pressence. What a rare occassion. Despite the many sessions I had with Carol Simister and Tracy, or the prayer ministry, I had never felt His gentleness, warmness and reassurance as I did today. A reminder of who I am and that He is always with me; That everything has already been provided, not just my sins paid, but my destiny and everything I need, all provided. It aches not to be with the one I love, not to have my love reciprocated. But I know that God already has someone planned for me. My future has been decided. I just need to keep my eyes on Him and remember that I am His daughter. My life here on earth is but a season and I need to keep my eyes on His promises and all that is eternal rather than what's happening around me - even my destiny here or ministry or purpose that I think I am sent here for. God loves me and I am thankful for that. Thank You Jesus, Thank You Abba Father, Thank You Holy Spirit. amen!