Pain

I havent been daring to watch modern day korean drama cos there's always romance involved. And I think I am hurting quite badly that I would cry my eyes out every time. But having been to casting db's launch yesterday, seeing all the new actors having a friendship, I feel like an outcast - like I dont belong. I'm no longer known. No longer wanted. Yet I still desire to be on screen. Not just any show or movie or any character. I want to play a character that I like and has depth. Yet I dont seem to come across those roles. Yet I do not wish to put in the effort that these young actors are doing. I want things easy - on a silver spoon some say. Just like in the old days - when I had an agent. They market me and push me and get me jobs and all I do is go there to do the job. I was really torn, cos I really wana act. Yet I dont want to put in the efforts. I think I'm not going to think and wish anymore. I will just concentrate on my work as a producer. Save some money and go for a short holiday in Feb. And will re-think again how life is and what I want. Cos right now, really want to just work and earn money and then after 2 years, when my passport expires and I get a new one, I wana go over to Korea and teach English. As much as I want family to support me and love me, I dont think I am in the state to be able to be around them and accept them and love them. Just watching the drama made me realise how much pain I was carrying from all my broken relationships. I cant ven properly remember Jason's face yet I miss him. I feel sad that things could not work out. And knowing that there were so many things that I did that would have pushed him away, makes me even more sad. I just want someone to love me. To really really like me, such that even when I push him away, he would still pursue me. I really wana run away to Korea now. Perhaps it is the influence of the korean drama, but I wish I could meet some korean dude who would treat me really well. I dont know. I just wish all the pain would go away. Its meant to be in God's hands anyway right? Jesus said He would take it for me no?

The conversation called Honesty

I wish I knew how to be completely honest with God. But I dont even know how to be completely honest with myself, trying to be little miss perfect that as I share my inner thoughts and emotions, the "right" things to say come out instead of what I really want to say. Why is it that I always have so much to say, so many things going on in my mind when I'm ANYWHERE but near my computer or place of worship with God?! In the toilet, whilst I was brushing my teeth and preparing for the night, the thoughts came in, once again! I really want to act. No. I honestly cant remember again now. :( So many thoughts came to mind, yet I forgot. But as I remember them all one by one, I know that the very first thing that came to mind was Market Australia. I really want Market Australia to work - to grow, to bring retail profit, to bring residual income for me. So that I dont have to worry about finances. So that I can go do what I want - act, produce, serve in church, travel, see the world, help others in need, build God's kingdom.... all of it. I want to be as honest as my bones can get, to God. To myself. I DO enjoy acting. I want to be a star. I want to be a celebrity! I want to play roles which can show my potential. I want to play roles that are strong in character, that fight the villians, that make people cry, that have a happy ending. I want to change the world. I want to produce. Yet I do not know what I want to produce. I dont know what I need to do to change the world. I just want there to be more love, more care, more thanksgiving in this world. I want to see more selflessness, more generosity, less exploitation, more justice, more fairness, more victory stories, more witnessing, more of everything of God in this world. More of Jesus. But I dont know how that works. I dont know what His plans are - for me, for the world. Well, other than the mega big picture and ending of having everyone know who He is and saving the world, I dont know what His immediate plans are or His plans for me in the near future. When will I meet my husband? When will I stop striving and worrying about money? When will I ever get to do what I really enjoy? Then again, the question is - what DO I enjoy? Acting? Producing? Both I would say. Definitely acting. But the comparison that I constantly make, taking others to benchmark myself against.... is really not helping. Its not making me any better an actress, nor growing my self esteem. I talk as though I have all the self esteem in the world. But I am far from it! I have so many issues! Just seeing how well Rayson was able to entertain the kids today, and knowing that it was not my style nor my way of doing things, was a sure telltale. And then his ability to act and do things that I was not able to do or think about - another telltale sign of my insecurities. :( I dont want to think about such stuff. I really dont want to be affected by such things anymore. I am a child of God. My value is not defined by what I have done, what I have. Or the number of people how like me or think that I am pretty. Sidetrack - I really dont like leonard and I really want to stay far away from him as possible. I do not want him to have any thoughts of liking me either. I dont like many things about him and that includes his family. Not that they are bad people... its just .... they are the typical christians that I dont like and I really dont want that. I'm really glad to know that Rayson and Liping are now both christians. And how he was today and what he spoke of, makes me hungry to be around people like that. It feels like FINALLY! some people in singapore are actually real christians and not the christian wana be or the christian that the world wants to see. Daddy, what's my next step? Do I continue in the producer road? Or can I pursue acting? Can I actually have both? I would love to. Cos it is not always that I come across the roles that I would love to be in. As much as I doubt my gifts and talents in acting, I too doubt my ability in being a producer. But I am definitely more confident in being producer than an actress. I dont see my beauty as others see it. God, I know You made me beautiful, but I think I have a certain standard in my head that I dont feel I live up to, so when people say I am pretty, I cant see it. Unveil these blind eyes of mine so I can see Lord. Let me see the beauty that You have created. Not by my eyes but by Yours. Only by being able to see with Your eyes the beauty that I have, I believe that I can see the beauty in others. Now, it is only my self effort to love others, not Your love overflowing from my heart. So help me Lord. God .... what's next? You have given me the confirmation that I asked for regarding producing. I got the work attachment with TJ. It isnt paying me what I imagined. I had thought $2K would be good. My finances are much more than what the assignment is paying. How Lord? I have been to several casting hoping it can bring me extra, but I have not heard back either. Jeevan's production, Wa Wayang, Adrian's casting - none of them have replied me. Tang hasnt gotten back to me either. And I dont know about MVP either. CH8 also has not gotten back to me for the June project nor the August project. Lord, You are my Provider. You have always provided more than enough for me. Once again, I lay that worry at Your feet. You know what's best for me. You know how much I need. Just as You provided for me when I stepped down to take a pay cut at akamedia, I know You will bless me with what I need just as You did when You placed me at Aegis media. I got to work at an MNC, with all my criteria fulfilled. And I got to go on a subsidised trip to the snow, with the snow being the best in all season! Remind me Lord how much You love me! How closely You are watching over me. And how far You will not allow me to fall from Your side! Next Lord, please fix my broken heart. I want to be able to move on, forget all the pain that was once inflicted on my body and heart by the men in my past, the mistakes that I made. I want to love. And love with all my heart, not just part of it. I want to be able to give again - to give my whole heart and not just part of it, not just the pieces that I managed to pick up. But all of it. I want to trust again. I dont want to doubt, or mistrust, or be wary of anyone again. I dont want to be afraid of being hurt again. I want to be able to love, to be bold and courageous, and give my heart to someone who would treasure me, and be able to recognise that person. not pre-maturely giving my heart away to someone else. Help me live my life day by day - help me to love, to accept people for who they are. Help me to see people the way You see them. I might just be saying all of these now, but I know that by Faith, one day, I will see it all come to pass. I WILL be able to see people for who You made them - and love them and encourage them and accept them for all that they are, not because they did right, but because You made them - wonderfully and beautifully! Lord, I declare that I will leave all my cares at Your feet. I will walk this journey day by day, trusting You to provide, trusting Your will and knowing that no matter what I see, Your plans prevail and nothing can get in Your way. I set aside all of my will and let Your will be done, not mine. Help me to see what You want done. Not my desire, but Your heart. Regardless of whether it is producing or acting or market australia, help me to walk by Your faith daily! To focus daily on the one thing that I need to do that day! Help me to live each day like it were the last - no regrets, no worrying about the future that has yet to come or might not even come. Help me be focused. Give me the courage to stay and stand still. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for loving me. No more questions. No more Giddeon fleece. Trust. Faith & Hope! Most of all, let LOVE reign in my life!

My prayer request

I'm desperately in need of help n a request for prayer is the only thing I can think of right now. 

I believed I followed God's calling to leave where I was comfortable in Australia Sydney, leaving behind friends n good support group, to return to Singapore where I was born. Purpose was to impact the media industry, bringing more Godly content and making a stand. 

But I've been overwhelmed by the challenges I am facing. Many of which are u expected. I'm not doing well physically as the food here is so different from what I am used to. I end up sleeping late beyond my usual bed time, waking late n constantly feeling lethargic. 

I get pms cravings, bloatedness n bad cramps now which I never did back in Australia. 

N in a recent conversation with a good Fren in Kuwait who also left cos of God's calling, I realise I don't seem to finish what I start out to do. 

I started out Attending bible college, wanting to do 2-3 years. However I chose to stop at the first year. 

Also, I did not officially graduate due to some issues and am pending probation till June for the school to decide if I fulfilled my probation. 

I also took up a tesol course which I am finding hard to finish. 

All my relationships seem to end abruptly. 

In my previous work places I never seem to stay long enough to see if a project was successful long term. I often had good success short term but could never seem to last a long race. 

I am afraid I am going through the same thing now. Daily I feel like giving up. Daily I feel like running away n returning to Australia. Daily I am loosing my temper and snapping at people which I hardly did when I was in Australia. 

I need help. I need prayer. 

I need my broken heart healed. 

I need strength n courage to continue the journey. 

I need companion n friends who could see me through in times like this and remind me of Jesus and His finished work n God's promise. 

I need faith to wait on God especially when circumstances are not for me - physical health, emotional health, financial health n opportunities in the industry. 

I need discernment to stay away from temptation and stay focused on what I have been called to do. I love acting and still desire to be in front of the screen. However I believe I have been called behind the camera to produce. Yet often I chase opportunities to be in front of the screen. I can't tell if it's my desire or what has been placed in my heart. Feels more like my own desire since it gives me the attention I desire. 

I need confirmation that this is what God has called me to. 

Please pray for me. 

Tired

I'm really tired. 

In Aus, even when I'm facing challenges there r people whom I can turn to. I've no one here. 

Maybe cos we r so big so it's easy to get isolated from the "world's" problems. But here in Sg, it's just right smack in my face. 

- People's complains n complacency

- People's disgruntlement

- My family's disgruntlement and lack of faith

Lord.... Being the seemingly only one to carry that faith and trust is really tiring. 

Ur promise is that Your yoke is light right so carry the burdens for me Lord. I don't want to have to worry about the monthly bills that I have to pay; the expenses incurred by myself n the family; nor the mortgage that needs to provide a roof over my head. 

Despite all the challenges that Emily faces in Sydney, should she return to Perth, she will have a roof over her head. 

Same for Jenny n Mo. 

But returning here to Sg, I have to worry about the bills at home. 

Daddy, this is not what I signed up for. 

Better for me to have stayed in Australia. 

Help!!! 

Really feel like selling all my things to get money which I can use now. But that would mean I have no providence for the future. 

What do I do?! 

Being tested

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands." - Deuteronomy 8:2

Has God performed a heart test on you lately? There are times in our lives when God leads us into the desert in order to let us find out what is in our heart. These times can be very difficult and humbling. They can test our mettle like no other time. Desert times often mean we are living without those things we are normally accustomed to: water, food, limited supplies - and with few comforts. In modern terms, it may mean a different environment. God is performing a very important work during these times. He wants to know if we can be obedient to Him in these times; or will we be obedient only when times are good?

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you" (Deuteronomy 8:3-5).

These desert times may mean experiencing new ways of provision from the Lord. Like manna from Heaven, it may mean seeing miracles we've never seen before. Like clothing that never wears out, it may mean seeing your normal capabilities expanded. Like walking hundreds of miles without pain, desert experiences provide new lessons and new experiences that only these times can teach us.

What desert experience has He brought into your life lately? Perhaps it is a lean time in business. Perhaps it is a new environment. Whatever it is, when God decides to bring new disciplines into our lives by bringing us into the desert, do not fear the heat that is sure to come. He is walking beside you in order to test you and find out what is really in your heart. Ask for His grace to pass the test. He wants to bring all of His children into the Promised Land.

I think this devotional that I read today is true of my situation. Now that the moment has passed or is passing, I can see that I was being tested on my obedience, to show what was in my heart. 

The dessert I had to endure when I first came back - the changes I had to deal with, the closed doors, the failed relationship. I really felt like God abandoned me. 

Until He showed me my heart - what I was chasing -> showbiz n game. That I knew I was being disobedient and unfaithful. 

It still is a challenge. I still yearn for that fame n glory and the "hopes" that it can bring me a better life. 

It's still a challenge daily to be obedient and honor my parents. To sit tight and patiently n expectantly wait for God to deliver His promises. Just like He promised the people of Israel when He took them out of Egypt. 

I was taken out of Egypt. But I didn't know I was going to be tested. 

Now everything seems to fall into place. 

2 -3 years ago I remember the Holy Spirit gently reminding me NOT to grumble like how the Israelites did. And I asked God to help me not to do that. But for the lady few months I know that was what I did. 

And several times I felt like the Israelites, complaining against God, wishing to be back in Egypt cos things were better there. 

Yes things were better in Australia. I had a better paid job. The weather was better. People were nicer and I had more support. 

But that was not God's promise to me. I was settling for second best. How could I not have seen it?! 

When I lost Jason, when the relationship collapsed, I whinged and cried. I was like the Israelites. 

I felt like Joseph in the pit. But I'm sure he didn't feel like me. I'm sure he had more faith than I did. Such that he was able to finally say to those who hurt him that though they meant to hurt him, he knew that God meant it for greater things and he forgave them. 

Will I ever be able to do that? 

Will I ever be able to say to those who hurt me over the years - my parents, siblings, ex bfs, people I gave my heart to and friends I cared about deeply; that no matter what they had intended for me, God had bigger plans and it all put me in a better place?!

I want to. Not cos it sounds like a nice idea but I really really want to, deep down in my heart! I want to be able to praise God. Not just in the good times but especially in the bad. 

Not to put on a show, but because God is really so good! 

I want to be able to say "my God has not forsaken me even though it all looks like it". Jesus trusted in God even though He asked God why He had forsaken Him. He knew why God turned His back on Him. 

But because God turned His back on Jesus, now He wouldn't turn His back on me! Cos Christ had paid the price! We can't pay it twice. It's silly!

I praise God for the sacrifice that He sent. I thank Jesus for the obedience He had! 

Oh Holy Spirit, fill me with Your word. Keep God's promises constantly alive in my heart, my soul and my mind! I thank You in Jesus' name. Amen! 

Thoughts after watching the last episode of Empress Ki

Thoughts after watching the last episode of Empress Ki - She is a strong lady. She had to face trial after trial in her life time. Becoming the Empress wasnt easy, but she got there. But the battles didnt stop there. She lost the throne and fled when Yuan got taken over by the rebels. How true the story is I dont know. They did say at the end that it was fictional. Regardless, I felt like I went through similar encounters as her. The first man she loved loved her for the whole of his life. She lost him. And later fell in love with the king. But even the king died and didnt spend the rest of his life with her. Reminded me of what Liyen said during the Beauty workshop - Most women there were close to 50. Some have already passed. She said that 50% of women age 50 would have had a loss of a partner. That struck me hard. I didnt lose anyone to any diseases, but I have lost so many people. Such that now I dont even want to think of a relationship. I dont know if its fear, its tired or just the knowledge or if you can call it revelation that what I seek in having a relationship would never satisfy me. I would still face problems, issues and obstacles. Now I am just living for myself. I dont have to deal with anyone else's stuff. In a relationship I would. Time and again, I would face disappointment, betrayal. Then what? I am so tired. Jason was the last straw. I had hoped. I found difficulty finding someone suitable after Toulia. Even being with Toulia was hard. I was already very tired. But still I yearned for someone. After Jason, I dont know any more. I do sometimes wish I had someone with me, to spend time with me, to travel with me. But I am really tired of people just leaving when things dont go the way they would like. I am precious and I deserve more. I have always stayed to work things out. But somehow all left. As much as I yearn to have someone love me like how the 2 kings loved Empress Ki, I am too tired to think about it and to search for it. Right now, being able to serve at TV and take nice camera shots, I am happy. And if I can grow as a producer and hopefully produce something one day that is internationally recognised and will tell the love of God in Truth, I will be satisfied. Finishing the show, I really had the deep aching. Really want to act and portray different characters. I love it. I cant deny that. And it hurts that it is not what God has for me. I am really so happy that I got the role for the teacher. Not only cos I need money but also cos it is something I love and enjoy and I really hope that I can do it well. Right now, I just want to have work that pays. So that I can pay the bills at home. It is frustrating but there is nothing much I can do. I wish I didnt have to deal with the bills at home. If I were single. If my parents were no longer around, I wouldnt have to deal with so many things but just for myself. It is a selfish thought but true. And I do not wish to curse my parents but a house over their heads and the monthly bills should have been their duty not mine. They should be someone that I can run to when I am in trouble. Yet through the years, I have felt nothing but the burden of their lack of finances and wisdom. God.... help.... You said that Your burden is light, Your yoke is light... so help me Lord... To pay the bills and provide for the family. Why does this have to be a constant burden? Like what Pastor Lian preached today - a monthly burden? Its times like this that I do not know why I am alive and I really wish to end my life! As an alien on this earth, I cant wait to return to my Father's kingdom in Heaven. And I dont know how else to other than taking my own life. I have nothing. I came with nothing, I can depart with nothing. Lord.... take my burden with You please. Provide for my family. I have obediently tithe during all my working times. So help me Lord. Fill my storehouses so I can bring more to You Lord!