Fears

What fears could 1 have? What fears do I have?

Fear of disappointment 

Fear of failure

Fear of betrayal

More importantly, fear of being hurt again. 

I didn't need anyone in my life. Yet You bring Jeremy into my life. 

But I don't think I can take on the fears of rejection, disappointment or hurt. 

I don't wana worry or care if I am good enough for him or that I meet his list of criteria. 

I don't wana be judged anymore. I don't want to rely on anyone anymore. 

I understand where he is coming from. He is tired. He didn't sleep the whole night. 

Yet I can't help feeling diaappointed. I can't help wondering what caused him not to be able to sleep. What was he doing? Or who was he with. 

He drinks. Quite abit too. N he seems far from a recluse. 

I am not keeping my time for him anymore. 

I had wanted to spend time with hm today and had kept it for him today. But he wrecked it. 

I don't want to see him tomorrow either or ever again. Maybe I'm over-reacting   Maybe I'm Pms-ing. 

I'm just really upset cos I could have made other plans. 

Tamara

Watching the movie Tamara and its bout this gal that is really smart but she's a misfit. Mostly alone but totally rejected by society. 

Sometimes I feel this way too! Cos the things I say n do ain't really the coolest things the world likes. N I'm different. I say n do things that hardly anyone does or says. 

N sometimes it offends people cos it strips everything off them n leaves them vulnerable. Makes they know they've done wrong. 

But I guess no one likes to be in the wrong n no ones likes to have made mistakes. But I have a knack for making people wrong, being the "police" and judging others. 

Why? 

Another year

The year is almost over. Yet I feel like I've achieved nothing. 

A year passed is quickly back in college and now again, back in Singapore. 

I came back, with great plans and desires - to change the industry, to change the world! To get to become a great actress, tv show host, so I can impact the world! 

But I am far from even getting close to any of those 2 goals. In fact, I feel so jaded by the community, the country and the people in the industry that I want to give up. 

Once again, I have no idea why I came back. Once again, I long to hide, to leave n go to Korea. Where, perhaps I might be of some use. Where, I can teach those who want to learn. 

People here in Singapore don't want to learn! They think they know it all already! And they don't want Christ either, or to to know Hik personally! They have everything they need! 

The pain and stress that they suffer, to them is normal. To them, it's just part of life. They don't know nor understand they it's the subtle work of the devil and that Jesus makes the difference. 

But how can I tell them? Why would they listen? I am nothing either. I have nothing. Nothing to shout about, nothing to be able to make an impact. Nothing to work towards. 

Once again, I feel it's my vain vanity that brought me back instead than God. 

Meeting people who are stubborn, ignorant, arrogant, know it all, I am tired, disappointed and disinterested. 

I really don't want to be around those people. God.... What are you doing to me?! Why am I back here? What did u want me to learn? 

It's Christmas, a season for joy yet I don't feel joy. I worry bout relationships, I get upset over how people are and what they want. 

What am I supposed to do? Just don't bother and let go? Just enjoy everyday that I have alive?! 

Then greed will rose over. Jealousy, envy.... I'll start wanting things I don't have! It's not like I've never felt that way before. It's not like I've never desired those things before. Then what?! 

God... Take all that pain away from me please.  

Foreign

Listening to praise songs in the morning on the way to work, I just can't see how I fit in to Singapore. I feel so foreign. Do alien. 

The way they speak English, the way they think, it's just different. I know it's me. It's my background. It's where I was born and bred for most of my life. Yet it's so foreign. The sound of the people speaking English is just..... It just doesn't sound right. And mandarin.... Just as bad. Only the radio djs probably do a decent job. 

Why? Why am I here? Is this a place i belong? 

Even though I don't feel I belong here, yet daily I get caught up with the things of this world - greed, envy, jealousy, insecurity, materialism. 

Lord Jesus, help me to remember, to have a greater revelation of who I am in You. To know what it means to be a daughter of Christ. 

I know my behavior doesn't reflect it. So help me Lord! Don't let me become one of these people, self consumed, inward! 

Help me to love as You have loved me, and to give as You have given. 

This weekend, help me find my purpose Lord. I am struggling. I don't want to mindlessly spend my money on things that will make no difference to me. 

Yes I like to look pretty. I want to be noticed. But I don't want that to consume me lord. 

I want people to see You when they see me. Not a nasty piece of work. I want to be free! Free as the birds in the skies. 

I know I have been given freedom yet I still feel so trapped. So Holy Spirit, break these chains lord. Whatever that is holding me down, troubling me, break it Lord. I am different from them all. 

Bring like minded people around me lord. Surround me with Your people that we may have strength. 

Bring along people whom I can be accountable to Lord. Bring along people whom will challenge me to be more like You, who will remind me when I fall, of Your love for me and whom I am, not who I see. 

Help me Lord!! 

Poisoning my mind

I yearn n desire what the Taiwan n Korean dramas tell. Am I poisoning my mind? Or is it my real desire? 

There are some things that I really like and need to have in a person. There r some things I really wish for. 

I really want someone to be here with me. Someone who would be willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel that with that, then I am loved n desired. N cos I don't have anyone at the moment and I see everyone whom I am faintly attracted to being attached or already married with a family, I am envious and even jealous of their partners. 

I know that is wrong and I shouldn't think that way. Yet I can't control how I feel. And it saddens me. Cos I shouldn't need to feel that way. 

I am pretty, capable, intelligent, loving, kind. Yet y do I not have anyone who is willing to spend their lives with me?! Am I that unadorable? Am I such a put off? 

Did every guy whom I was with only lust after me? Is the world really so bad?! Or did any of them actually love me at some point and I was just too difficult for them? We just weren't the right fit or they just didn't have the courage needed to deal with issues of life? 

I am different. I'm not a normal female who is soft spoken. I am loud. I have a mind of my own n I speak it. But I don't just want things my way. I just want to get things done n things can get done when everyone plays their part. Employees and employers alike. 

Employees doing the work they should do. 

Employees getting the necessary employees to do the work as what is needed n not underpaying or stinging on manpower. 

My gift profile is music then visual. 

I miss the piano. 

N I miss taking photos. 

I don't know what to do to function in my gift. 😭

Tempting

You reckon I'll be ok? If I were to tell Jason I was sorry and he replied back just as Phillips did? I don't know. I don't know if I am ready to hear from him yet. I only know I feel sorry for what I did and wished that I could take it all back. I set up the post for all to read, so that I can encourage. But through this year, I have done nothing but to lament and complain and cry. I wish I were stronger. I wish I was really a bringer of joy rather than misery. You reckon I could ever get out of being mean and nasty? It seems so much of a habit now that I wonder if it would ever change. I want to be nice and stylish. Like Ou Se Young. I'm tired. Maybe cos I'm sick. Jesus help me. That I be nice. Nicole said to read Right Believing. And that the last 5 chapters will help. I think it was for her. It was God's way of speaking to her. Its not for me though. Cos I felt nothing. :( Everything that Joseph Prince talked about in the book, I already know. And he is not the issue. I am. Something is missing! The Revelation of what he is talking about is missing! I know Christ died for me. I know I am loved cos of that. Cos His death repaired the broken relationship between me and God. I know all my sins are forgiven. I know all my sicknesses have been borne by Jesus. But they are all stuck in my head. What happened? What's wrong? I sound as though I am so jaded that nothing seems to get into my thick skull! Perhaps that's why God had to wake me in the middle of the night to speak to me. Cos in my full consciousness, I can't listen. I wish I had a tall dark handsome Korean dude would rescue me out of this. errr wait.. Koreans aint dark... Nevermind about the dark. Just tall, rich and handsome. Wide palms and long fingers. Nice smile and teeth. Sparkly eyes. Sigh... I'm already 38 coming 39. Am I being unrealistic? How realistic is one supposed to be? It really gets confusing Lord, cos some of the things that You ask of us is unrealistic. So when is it realistic by You and unrealistic by the world, and when is it just wishful thinking? :( Oh how I wish I knew who I was and what my heart was really feeling/thinking. I seem to be going around the bush. When God when?! Who God who?!

Hurt

It was either God speaking to me or well.... God speaking to me, showing me that I have been causing hurt in the lives of the people whom I love, pushing them away through the choice of words i use. 

Just because I believe strongly in something doesn't mean I should impose it on others n make them feel bad n wrong about it. Eg Philips - I don't think we would have ended that badly if I hadn't gone into fear and panic thinking the worst of him -> thinking that he has met someone else and forgotten bout me. 

Firstly it means I don't trust myself. I don't think that I am good enough and that whichever guy who likes me will find someone else better. 

Secondly, I don't trust him. No guy likes to not be trusted. Every guy (even the bad ones) like to be trusted. 

N then when he told me bout wanting a degree. Although I had my pov, i guess the way I put things across to him perhaps wasn't the kindest. I'm not sure how I did it or said it but I'm pretty sure I hurt him. 

Then there is Jason. Again, my fears got the better of me and I got paranoid. That probably pushed him away. But what pushed him away more is probably the things I said that we're hurtful. It's more than once that I know I hurt him. Made him cry once. Hurt him when we talked n then later with Debbie's incident. He probably felt unwanted n rejected. Why would he want to stay around? 

I also rem jack n how I pushed him aside. N of cos there was Zac. 

There were bad ones too like Craig, Andrew n all. But nice guys who would have made great husbands like Ryan m Steven, I hurt them without even thinking. Just cos I was selfish. 

Maybe I do deserve to be single. 

I really hope things change. I really hope Gods love can fill me till my heart is overflowing. I cannot bear to ensure another season of pain. To myself not to others. 

I don't like me when I'm nasty. I can see it when I turn around to look back. But the injury is already caused. Nothing can change it. 

I hope they all can forgive me. Especially Jason. He's probably moved on. But whatever it is, I hope God heals his heart. Perhaps I should say I'm sorry. Perhaps not. Maybe now is not the right time. 

I just want everything to pass and be well. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. A person full n whole is able to deal with those who hurt. N I wana be healed n complete like God promised. 

So Lord, I surrender all the areas of my heart to you. Help me to forgive all who have hurt me and fill my broken heart with Your love. Help me to love others as You love me for I know that deep down inside, no one wants to hurt another. 

I don't think I'll contact Jason yet cos I'm afraid to know how he is doing. I just want to say I'm sorry but I don't want contact from him. I'm afraid of him telling me that he is attached n happy now. 

It shouldn't change anything. Cos it doesn't say anything about me. But still there is pain cos it seems like I have been rejected once again even though I have not. 

God fill me with Your love please.