My sister

I am angry at my sister. I feel abandoned by her. At a time when I needed her most, thinking she would be the most understanding of all. Yet she failed me. 

When I needed help n support, she left me to fend for myself. If not for the grace of God I don't think I would have been able to grasp what's to be done nor the wisdom n favour to do what needed to be done. 

N to hear that her said she doesn't have any intention to speak to me about the matter unless I was going to listen to her and what she had to say, I feel judged. I feel like my freedom if speech was taken away. As though I had no rights to be angry or upset with the way things were, with my brothers behavior. 

As though I were the one who was wrong. As though my opinion, my story, my feelings didn't matter. 

I feel abandoned. Again. 

There's no love and support from my family. Not the way I needed it or expected it. 

Why did I return God? Once again, remind me why I returned? 

I cannot fault my sis for feeling upset. Not can I force her to change her ways. However I cannot play along and chat with her as though nothing happened either. 

At least with my parents, I have voiced my hurts n feel that I have been heard. Yes my parents cannot fulfill my expectations as the parents I thought them to be. N yes I was hurt n disappointed. But I have voiced it out. 

It is all clear out there in ur air already. 

But with my sis. It isn't. N I feel so fake caring for her, speaking to her as though nothing happened. There's a gap, a wall. N I don't like it. 

But I don't know what to do. I do not wish to speak to her right now. I do not know if it is the right thing. But I do know they lashing out at her is wrong. N I will not do that. 

Yet I feel I should communicate my state to her. But I do not know what to say. 

Lord give me wisdom. 

Monochromatic Pictures

The interview with Monochromatic Pictures went well. 

Felt really comfortable with Jeevan and would love to just start working with them. 

At the same time, they are but the first people I've seen. Not sure what others will offer. Would love to work with them and do it all. 

Think from Jeevan's description, I would like to do more of the creative producing but also some executive producing. But for now I would like to have a taste of both. 

Lord, if this is Your appointment and direction then open the doors wide n clear for me. No more mixed messages. You know I'm not too good with - yes this is but wait. I'm more a yes now or no now person. 

If this is not then bless the company that they may find whom they need and close these doors for me. 

Also the project with Brenda. I would love to see it come to pass. But God, what are Your plans Lord? Can I bring this somewhere? Can I bring this to Monochromatic Pictures with me? Will they be game for it? Will Brenda be game for it?

Oh Lord, lead me n guide me as You always have. I know I'm not the most pious of Your children n at times downright rude. Thank You for not punishing me n helping me to. See my faults n live by Your grace. 

Thank You for the sacrifice of Jesus. 

Amen

Memories

The gala event for Ah Boys to Men Musical brought back many memories. 

I miss the days where I attend events free and I am the centre of attraction. But why? Why do I miss that? What does it add to me? 

The sergeants in the musical remind me of Jason. Perhaps coz his last hairstyle was very similar. Also saw a dude who looked like Phils. 

I want to let go. I have to. It's not good for me. But what's in the way? Maybe all I need is just time. 

I miss having all that attention where everyone is talking about me. Why? What does that say about me? What does that change about me and who I am? Nothing. Why is it such a big deal for me? 

My identity is in God. Not my status. The glam is great- being treated like a "goddess" is nice. But even if I am not treated like a goddess I am still valuable. I am still God's child. I am still me! He gave His ONLY SON to die for me. It's not hair 1 life for mine. But it's His precious son. And Jesus is also the creator of this earth. He is Almighty! Awesome! Amazing! But He laid His life down for me! Doesn't it say something? 

My life is more than all the attention that people can give me. Why should I be so bothered over whether I have a lot of attention or not? Shouldn't make any difference to me isn't it? 

So like what auntie iris said - focus. I've been called back into production. So let's get back into production. 

If this is what God called me back for, He will open doors. Let's do some honest work rather than trying to strike rich. 

God knows all my dreams. The places I want to travel to and visit. The houses that I would like to have. The car that I want. And the family I want to have. 

He will bring all of that to pass. My focus is Him. Not the material things that people around me have and I don't. 

What about the gifts and talents that I have that they don't? 

Let's treasure the people around me. Let's show them who Jesus is. 

Holy Spirit, I need you to keep me calm and collected and focused on Jesus. 

I know that in time I will have such things. Not as a reflection of who I am but because I need to use them. N if I don't have that yet, God will send people around me who will bless me. N that also means I don't have a real need for it yet. 

God is good and faithful. He will bring His plans to pass. 

Amen! 

Wow.... Amazing!! God speaks

Got in my email today from Wendy about why people do not want to change. Powerful even before I read the article. 

And now my devotional tells me about u profitable anger. How we sometimes get angry when things don't happen according to our expectations. Feels exactly like me n how I have been feeling over the last couple of months. 

Thank you God!

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." - Ecclesiastes 7:9

Every day of our lives we are placed in situations that engage us with other people, whether it is in the office, our homes, or in public places. Do you recall the last time someone cut you off in traffic, or you were forced to wait in line because someone up front got held up? Perhaps your employer did something that was downright unfair. Anger can result from many circumstances.

A friend once told me that anger is like warning lights on the front of your car dashboard. They signal that there is something going on under the hood, and we should take a look to examine the source of the problem. Anger can be traced to a few sources. First, when we lose control of a circumstance that we have placed certain expectations on and those expectations do not result in our desired outcome, we are tempted to get angry. The source of this type of anger is both fear and protection of personal rights. You see, when we believe we have a right to something, we have not given the Lord permission to allow an outcome different from what we want. If an outcome is different from our expectations, this may stimulate fear.

For instance, if a vendor failed to deliver an important job on time due to something out of his control, you may respond out of anger. Please know that the source of your anger is the fear of what might happen to you or what this might say about your abilities to manage a project. You no longer are in control of the circumstance and this creates fear in you.

The next time you get angry ask the Lord what is the source of that anger? Did the Lord allow that failure to let you see what is "under your hood"? God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind (see 2 Tim. 1:7). Give up your rights to expectations that God never gave you. You will find a new freedom in Christ you never knew you could have.

What are your plans she asks

I've been trying to get this straight for a long time coming. Yet I have no answer. I've often gone by instinct n feelings. 

N in the recent years, I do what I believe is right n with peace in my heart, I believe it's a sign from God. 

I really don't know what to do now. 

I really wana do media n production but there aren't any doors opening. 

I thought MA was the answer to my finances while I "dabble" in the arts. But even that is not moving either! 

So what went wrong? Did I hear wrongly?! Did I make it all up?! Then y do I have no peace to return to Aus where life is heaps better?! I have more friends there than I do here. People to turn to to encourage me. 

Here I am listening to my mom'a negativity daily. It's killing me. Like today. What's up with her man. 

Not living with her would be easier to deal with it. But I don't have a choice. I can look for rent outside. But that's expenses again. 

Although that would mean I do not give mom her monthly stipend. 

Now with the role that Doreen spoke of, it is definitely more exciting than same old advertising. But it's definitely gona pay less. So... Does money bother me? 

Yes I wana be able to spent. I wana go on trips. Holidays. Etc. But I do not think that I would want to go back to advertising just so that I can do that. My heart is really not in there. I would be dragging my feet. 

As for Lincoln n his 5D... That's just bullshit. Nonsense. Yes the draw of a commissioned sales is great but I still need money in this time. Vern designs and can earn from designing. I don't. Mine is management n marketing. How to do that? 

God hasn't quite opened up other avenues of providing finance either. So what do I do? 

And now Sandra wants to butt her head in and talk to me bout stuff. I know she's protective of her sis. And I hope that this is also cos she's protective of me. 

Regardless I do hope I get to clear my head. I don't like the space I am in. 

I want a job that I will enjoy. A job with Flexibility. I don't have to go in to office at 9am and work till 5pm. I can go in later if needed and stay late if required. 

More importantly, I want a job that allows me to travel. Move around. Pays for that travel too. I hate to be stuck in the office! 

Thinking back, if I didn't spend so rashly, I would have at least $45k in savings already. Being in debt twice over $15k and finishing up a savings of I think $10-15k. 

Damn it! 

And again. I had bout $30k. Which would have become $45k by now if not for college. Not only did I stop earning but I has to use $5k on fees too. 

Yes God provided for my daily living. But that's not what I want!!

Why doesn't He ask me first what I want?! 

Why does He just throw me toward what He has planned for me! And if I don't like it n don't wana go for it He closes the doors! 

I hate Him for that! 

After all this ranting I am still unclear what next. 

Am I such a short term person?! 

Why can't I see far? 

I guess if I could see far, the little things of today would not matter any longer. 

To work or not to work?

Its a huge dilemma I face. To wait for the opportunity that God promised or to focus on what I needed -> which were finances. 

Seems like being in the media, regardless of production or acting, there's instability of income. Can I deal with that? 

Given the financial situations at home, and my past experience, I really do not wish to get into debt again. 

However, unless I get something that's hefty by end May, I don't really have a choice but to go back to the workforce. A workforce that has a stable pay. 

But I do not intend, do not wish to work full time for someone else. I wana do what I like/enjoy! And I love taking potos. Less so videos. But that is still ok. 

I remember back in 2002 when I went to Hk with dad and had my video camera with me and was filming and commenting on everything. 

So what do I do? 

I seem to have much yet I have nothing! Everything is stuck. 

My apartment in Australia is stuck. It hasn't risen sufficiently for me to sell and buy another. The rent I am collecting is also stuck cos my previous agent didn't do a good job to negotiate a better rate. 

I want a house. Fully paid up. 

Watching Homeland season 3 and how the CIA is destroying Carrie, and how depressed she is. And Brody's daughter and what she's going through... Life sure is depressing. 

Good to know that at the end of the day, it was but all an act. 

What bout my life? Which part of it is an act? 

The things that i think I heard from God, how real are they? Did I hear right? Or did I make it up to glorify myself? 

I want the convenience of being able to go downstairs to my car to drive out to buy whatever I need whenever I want. 

I don't want to have to worry bout waking up early to go to work. But I wake up cos I want to, cos it's a project or I wana exercise etc. 

I want to be able to travel to places that I've never been to, see things I've never seen. 

How do I do that? 

A travel blogger? Can that work? 

A travel food blogger? 

But I do not think that I write well. So what do I do?! 

😢

Help! 

I guess what I need to do is to at least start the blog. And after that I can do whatever else I wana do. 

I just need to focus and make sure that I can do the reels well. 

The rest.... God's favour!

Oh Lord help me! 

Internalizing

I wonder if I internalise my emotions or I express them. Cos right now, there seems to be alot that's going on within me. But somehow I am unable to express it. It only comes out as anger, frustrations. That's not externalising it is it? Sometimes I feel that I am passive agressive. Agreeing to things on 1 hand, and reacting differently to what was agreed upon. Oh help me Lord. I need your grace!

How involved should 1 be in this world?

We are in this world for a reason. After searching for years, I still cannot find that reason. Even though I am believer of Christ, I know Jesus, I have accepted Him as my Lord and Saviour, I still dont know the reason for my life on this earth. I am still selfish. I still want things. I still have not surrendered myself and my dreams to God. So how long more will I fight that? What I want, I do not find. What I ask, I do not get. I see everyone else getting what they want. What about me? We Christians say that it is not about us. Then who is it about? If we are not meant to enjoy this world, then why exist? Why not die? I get so angry interacting with some people that I really hate them. After hearing Mary, after experiencing whatever that happened between Megan and Liyen, I wonder what is the Truth? How is life supposed to be? Are we Christians just using God as a poor excuse when we do not get what we want? To "submit" to God when we do not get what we want and to say that God's in control and if we do not have it yet, then its not His will for us! So what IS right and what is wrong?! What should we have and what shouldnt we have? Why has college so messed me up? Everyone else seems to have benefitted from going to college. But me... I seemed to have been messed up! There so much hate and anger that's coming out from me. I miss the days that I am not angry. Like after breaking up with Toulia. Like when at Mitchells. I saw God's blessings and I got everything that I wanted, aside from a husband. Which now, I am no longer interested in anyways. After all the experiences with Phillips, Bjorn, Hector and Jason, I've had it. I'm just exhausted. Every time I give my heart 100% and what do I get in return? Nothing. Literally nothing. It got taken whole and returned shattered. Then there's that whole list of things that we should or should not do. I hate this world! So, do we interact with the world or should we just hide in our caves until our death bed? what do we do? I wish someone would tell me.

Direction

I feel so lost. 

And with that I feel so frustrated n angry. 

I came back to Singapore with the belief that I am to return to the media and production industry. 

But it's been almost 5 months and I have not seen any open doors. 

My finances are drying up. I have found no work. And I still have no idea what I am supposed to do in Singapore. 

I hate my family cos of what happened and their non action to protect me. No doubt my brother is family too. But he has done wrong! 

Rather than correct his behavior and get him to apologise, they would rather let him leave, let him go his own way. 

I am so angry about that. 

And I am so frustrated about market Singapore and my moms involvement. If not for her decision to take it up, we wouldn't have spent so much money and time on it. 

I am so angry. But I can't talk to her a out it at the moment. I will tear her to shreds. 

I am also feeling so tired at the moment. It is supposed to be how I will be financed or so I tot. But not only have I not been able to sell the product other than to Lincoln, all prospects that I thought were good have failed me. 

And God has not provided any others. I am really angry. 

I don't know what to do!!

Life was good before I went to college. But ever since I stepped into that God forsaken place, my life seems to have taken a downward spiral! 

No doubt I got the time to go for counselling but seriously... Was it worth it?  I have not changed that much for me to say that bible college changed my life! 

I want radical changes. Yet I see same old same old. N I really hate it. 

People say let God do the change. But I haven't seen any change!! 

Now... Direction.... Let God direct your steps. That's what the pastors say. That's what the bible says. But what to do when He is not speaking?!

I am hardly interested in reading the bible and hearing His word anymore! I didn't even feel like going to church cos my parents didn't want to go. It was too troublesome! 

I hate Him. I hate God!!

I want to walk away from Him!!

He promised me a husband way back when I met Toulia. And then again in 2012. It's 2014 and I see no sign of a husband. All because I put all the mandatories in what I want for My husband. Such as God fearing! BS!! 

That cut out half the good men out there. Look what happened with Jason. I wanted him to know God, to love God. But he didn't. He didn't even bother. N now I am alone. I am angry!! I am so angry!! 

I hate God!!  

People hate other people but I hate God. Cos God is all powerful, all knowing! Yet He didn't bless me! He didn't make things happen! 

No husband, no money! No friends here in sg. No work, no direction, no prospects. 

What the hell does he want?!

If I didn't follow God, I would be doing whatever I feel like. Not needing to wait on Him. I would have looked at my current situation and done what I need to do. 

I wouldn't even be back in Singapore. I wouldn't have been that insecure being with Jason. Cos of all the teachings bout men losing interest after sleeping with a woman. Where did that come from? Church!! 

What has that done for me so far?!?! 

Nothing!!! 

In fact it made my life worse cos it gave me insecurities! It made me fearful!! 

I hate church!! I hate God. 

Home

I am home but what this shell called home is, is something foreign to me. 

I have never felt as judged, unsupported and misunderstood!

I hate it here. I really want to leave. 

But to where? It's not time for me to leave Singapore yet. 

But I really hate it here. 

I hate my family. I hate my parents and most of all I hate my brother. 

I have no brother like him. 

Glad

I'm glad that I went to CG yesterday. The worship was bit awkward to start but definitely appreciated it. 

Eventually couldn't stop crying. Cos as I sing and praise Him, I know He is great. I know He has done a lot for me. Although I don't know why my brother behaved the way he did and why the family "shattered" and I feel abandoned and unloved, I know God loves me. 

And I guess somehow there was comfort. 

There was also a lot of pain. Cos I feel very misunderstood. Very unappreciated. Hurt. Disappointed. 

What keeps repeating in my mind is the qn "Why couldn't my brother see past everything? What is he so hurt and upset by that he keeps thinking I'm attacking him and wants him out of the house?"

Never did I once say anything bout chasing him out. All I ever ask for was his consideration which he didn't seem to have. I've done so much for him yet he doesn't seem to remember a single bit of it! 

I supported him and sided him when mom didn't. I helped him when mom n dad didn't want to. 

What got in the way? 

It's heartbreaking but I refuse to be stepped all over n taken for granted. 

Everything I did was for the family. But he never saw any of that. 

He had been freeloading off the family. Yet he is not appreciative. All he thinks is of how he will SHOW the family when he gets rich. 

But there's no need to show anything. 

He doesn't participate in our family lunch n meals. And he is the son. What kind of son is that?! 

How much hurt and pain is he carrying?!

Is there nothing that can be done to relief him of that?! 

Oh Lord.... What do I do? 

I know I am never going to apologise. I didn't do anything wrong. Not even kicking him out of the house. 

So how will this relationship be reconciled?!

Obviously he has issues. But with all the pride he has, he is never going to see it or recognise it. Do I just leave it? God! What is to be?! 

😢

Frustrations hurts and disappointments

This is a year of Greater Glory. Yet there doesn't seem to be any glory happening in my life. And already a quarter of the year has passed. 

😢

I feel extremely hurt, misunderstood, abandoned and deceived. I don't know what my family members are talking behind my back. Only cos that's what they do. And because of that I do not want to be close to them. None of them are willing not able to be honest. 

But everyone loves to blame. Perhaps Cheryl is different. But still I know she is upset with me. 

I do things very differently. So sue me. Just because I will not accept some things doesn't mean I don't love my family. 

After his hair cut, L looks more attractive. But I still don't think he is right for me. Actually.... It's more I am so hurt by relationships that as much as I want someone to spend my life with, I'm really afraid. Afraid that I will be rejected, that once again the person would walk away from me. Afraid that I can't deal with relational issues. That once again I would be blamed as the culprit. 

I am also very angry at God. What is He putting me through? 

I thought He called me back to ministry in the production and media. Yet there hasn't been any open doors. N neither has there been any providence. How am I going to trust Him? How can I see direction? Where is my faith?! 

My heart is breaking! 

And my cousins non-reply. It hurts. N it's hard to remember that it's Jesus that they are rejecting, not me. It's the business they are rejecting, not me. 

I really just want to work for God. Even if it's working at church. 

I am annoyed and disappointed with my mom. When did I ever get such a timid mom? What do I do? 

Dad has always been absent. Even now he has time and is around physically, he is still absent emotionally and mentally. 

I am so frustrated. My family isn't the way I want them to be. Not just I want, but the way they should be. Not my parents, not my brother. Not sure bout my sister but she seems the healthiest of us all.