He is not mine to change

At church hearing Joseph Prince speak. He said - women love to talk and when you don't talk to them, they will talk to someone else. 

J came to mind. Perhaps cos of what he said - that it is not him to chat daily with someone. And all I wanted to do was to send him that statement in hopes of him getting a revelation that if he continues the way he communicates, his future gf and wife would turn to someone else. 

But Holy Spirit spoke to me. 

So what if J gets it? I don't want to be trying to change someone for the rest of our lives together. That shouldn't be the way. If I cannot deal with it beofore marriage, we should never even date in the first place. 

So I need to walk away. I need to keep letting him go until one day I no longer think of him or miss him. 

Heartache & Dilemma

I want so badly to have a husband. To have someone who would hold me to sleep. Who would come home and give me hugs and shower me with love and kisses. Someone I can share my life with, help me be my better self and keep my eyes on Jesus rather than the things of this world. 

Yet I fear it coming to past. I fear the heartaches I had suffered in my quest for this desire. I fear having to experience those heartaches again. I fear meeting the wrong guy again. I fear how the relationship might end up like my parents or C & B's where there are so many challenges. 

I do not dear challenges. I just fear that the man I marry wouldn't walk through those challenges with me - that I would be left all alone again to deal with things and work on things. 

I am so tired from the many years of doing that, from fighting to be loved and treasured. I am at the brink of giving up and not fighting anymore. 

Perhaps that's what I should do. Give up n not fight. Perhaps I should have left it to God and not bother about a single thing. 

For my past does not determine who I am. It is no indication of my value either. It just says that I have a preserving character and would pursue what I believe is worth working for and towards. 

It speaks of the character of the men I dated. That they were weak and cowardice, running from problems rather than facing them with a vengeance and strength from God. 

But God has someone for me. Someone who will fight for our relationship to work regardless of the challenges we encounter. Someone who would love spending time with me, talking to me, enjoying me, enjoying my company and relish being in my presence and want me to fill his life with my love and time. 

It is better to be single and not have to deal with the issues of inappropriate suitors who do not have the resilience in maintain and fighting for relationships. 

There's nothing I can do if I have not met such a man. There's nothing I can do about my singleness. I can only be me and shower my love on those around me instead. They shall be the recipient of the blessing that I am till God brings my husband and I together. 

And during the times that I feel alone cos everyone else has someone, that is when I crawl into the loving arms of my Father to get His love and comfort. For He is always there for me, loving me, caring for me and fighting for my love and attention even when the rest of the world had abandoned me. 

He was and is always waiting for me. My Father. My Beloved Father who loved me so much that blood had to be shed for my life. 

My Abba Father, counsellor, Comforter, Redeemer, Provider, teacher, lover. 

Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for Holy Spirit. Thank you for shalom peace. 

Thank you for teaching me to draw my boundaries and to be or not to be affected by things around me. 

Heart's desire

There are so many things I want. But what I want most right now is to be able to host people at my house. To be able to offer out a room, a resting place for people who need a sanctuary. 

I wish I had enough funds to not need to rent the study room or any of our rooms out. 

Not feeling the way I want to

God has done great things in my life. He is still doing great things in my life. Yet there are things that I encounter that really causes my heart to ache. 

A Fren, thinking n feeling I betrayed her and giving me the cold shoulder hurts. Not only cos she was a good friend, but also because I feel accused. My intentions were misunderstood and she actually had no right to be angry at me. 

I find her behavior childish and selfish. Yet I could do nothing about it. I really want to tell her about it. About how I feel. But I have seeked wise counsel. All 3 have said no. Well if it were a no then I need to obey. My flesh is fighting it. Cos it feels that justice was not metted out. But who am I to let justice?! 

N as E talked bout P and she was introduced to her, I didn't feel a thing for P. Yet looking back, I also know that if only I had not been so insecure, thinking that his absence was a sign of something, perhaps.... Just perhaps we might have ended up together. Then there wouldn't be B nor J. There would be less hurt and pain. 

But that didn't happen. 

Perhaps I needed to learn the hard way. N obviously I had not learnt. Cos otherwise J wouldn't happen in the first place. I need to guard my heart. I have not been doing a good job of it. 

And even if J happened, I wouldn't have thrown tantrums either cos of my insecurity. 

I no longer want to feel that way. I don't want to react out of my insecurities, out of my fears and colored glasses. 

Meeting up with Z today was a mistake. Her strong personality really overwhelmed me. If she didn't agree with something I said, she would dismiss it. 

I guess she's pretty much like me. But I hope that through time, God had worked in me and helped me to see things differently, to be softer in nature and more comfortable with others opinions. 

I learnt that she is not a suitable MA client nor potential biz partner. 

I also learnt that she has a mother hen tendency. She is no better than I am, yet her behavior n questions are often that way. There's no friendship that's been built. Not like E or G or M. 

Y is another one that I can't hang out much with. She has a strong mind of her own. When she wants things a certain way she would try to manipulate. And I really don't like that. Causes me to be defensive. And it manipulate too. I don't like it

Help me Lord.... To forgive C for ignoring me and hurting me, and P for getting angry at me and hurting me. Please also help me to forgive Z for being so overpowering and causing me to feel that she is wanting to tower over me.