Adjustments

I guess I am finally settling in. I can see the difference living here and in Australia but I'm not being so emotional about it. Perhaps I had adjustment issues with college too. And that caused me huge stress and grief. All that has happened in the last 2 years causes me stress and how long I take to deal with it. In Australia, it was easy to get all my groceries. Everything was within range - Coles, Asian mart, Korean mart, etc. Here, although I have a greater range of asian stuff at a cheaper price, it is not that close. It is as though I was staying at Rhodes - I cant get anything unless I bought it beforehand. I have come to realise that when I crave sweets, the artificial sweets are too sweet. And when I take them as a replacement, it numbs my taste buds and I end up trying to fill that craving even more. There are so many things I want to say yet I dont know where to start. Example this feature film. I was really enjoying being on set. However, the incidences that I encountered with Jac really puts me off. Makes me hate the industry even more. Makes me hate people. What did I do to her to deserve such treatment from her? 2 face. Double standards. Its the same with Tiffany. She thinks she knows everything. Just cos she's willing to share knowledge doesnt make her a better person. Cos her conduct isnt any better. She is also 2 faced. Doesnt even communicate well yet behaves as though she does. She knows nothing. Even though I know that there are alot of things that San San does that probably wont sit well with me, but the extent that she does it isnt as bad. There are things that people does that she doesnt like but she doesnt go around complaining in detail about it. She thinks of means and ways to deal with things. Anyways, perhaps all of that happened cos the devil was trying to stop me from going freelance cos there was greater things there. N cos I couldnt trust God to provide as a freelancer. That was my first thought. Now, I am wondering if God allowed all of that to happen so that I would be at peace with full time at MVP. At least for now. To learn the skills of the trade, to build connections and networks. I dont know how well I would be able to do it. I am not best at socialising or networking. Definitely not like Calvin. I know I am better at execution. But if that's the route that God has chosen for me, then I will follow it. And I am getting better at communicating my food likes and dislikes thanks to Ken. He's a funny one. But yes, I love sweets. More natural sweets than artificial ones like Nestle chocolate. Tang yuen, Cheng Teng, Red bean soup.... they all sit well with me. Like I said, I would believe that God wants me to take a leap of faith and trust Him to provide as a freelancer, only if San San offers me a position in her next project right after this. So that not only would I have continuous work for awhile, but also be able to tide over my finances. I would need something that would pay at least $2.5k. What I was offered this time round was definitely not what I expected. It was way below expectations. But the contract I made with God was that He provide by giving me a job in productions. I'm sure there are many more ways for Him to provide for me. Perhaps I might be able to get back into acting. But I will not take minor roles anymore. It has to at least be a supporting role. Yes it is good to be recognised as an ex media corp artiste. Tiff said it was a brave move to come behind the scenes. Is it? I have always been more brains than just a pretty face. Unlike many other actresses we have here in Singapore. Perhaps that's the difference? Or perhaps they have a family that is emotionally and financially stable who can provide the support that they require, unlike mine, who relies on me more so that I on them. I feel so alone. Am I creating that world for myself? One where people rely on me when needed yet there is no one for me to rely on? All the friendships that had taken so long and was so difficult to build over the last 7 years... I feel like I'm throwing them all in the drain. Same as the friendships I have with Michelle and Sandra. They were my best friends. People who understood me. But we too have grown apart. They do not see me the way my friends in Australia does. Ashley, Jenny, Yenn, Emily, they all love me for who I am. Not what I can give. They are able to recognise my strengths and enjoy my company as who I am. I feel that Michelle and Sandra do not see me for who I am. And what they have for me is pity. I feel so sad. I feel so sad over everything. Friendships that I thought I had made - with Ken, Cheryl, Ella, Dewei, Dora, Tiff... but I was wrong. How silly can I be to think that these people would be my friends. They are just temporary teams put together so a project can run. They had their lives before this project and have their lives after this project. Who am I to speak into their lives. Who am I to try to influence them? No... I shall sit out of their activities from now on. I am not part of their team anyways. It hurts not to be accepted and welcomed. But it hurts more to be betrayed. And worse when there was no friendship in the beginning that can cause that action to be termed a betrayal. I really wish I have a special someone whom I can share this with, whom I can get comfort from and whom I can comfort in times of need. But I guess, only when the time is right would God allow that to happen. And I dont even know if that would happen any more. I also need to stop fantasizing about Calvin. More importantly, I actually need to be in less contact. Watching the autistic character in The Good Doctor, sometimes I wonder if I have slight autism. I cant communicate well and dont seem to have any social skills. I am so straight and direct and have no tact at all. Everything people say, I believe. That was how Jason managed to get to me. Im 38 yet still I am so gullible. But he's not the first. There was Craig, and Duncan, Thao, David, Bjorn & Phills too. Many others I dont even want to talk about. I want to say wake up! Forget all about them and recover well. Sometimes I wish I was really fully Autistic. Perhaps I would be more oblivious to everything around me - the people, what they say and do and how they hurt me or one another. I would be oblivious to the things of the world. Wouldnt that be better? Would I then have a closer relationship with Jesus? Less distractions? More Daddy time, more love, more care? I dont know. Sometimes I wish my condition would just deteriorate... then I can finally leave. Not worry about the finances of the world, of this family. Lets do it then! Just work hard, enjoy every moment with every one and try to be good with everyone! Then take the time to go travelling - Korea, Japan, enjoy the foods there and Vietnam as well. Go to the suburbs. No desire for the USA or the capitalised places. No desire for brands, just good products that look good and last long. Yes... that's what I want to do, regardless of whether I will be single or attached. I enjoy food. I enjoy seeing new sights... so that's what I'll live for. That's my reward for me and I know its also God's reward for me continuing to live here on this earth.