The Almighty one... My Creator!
I don't know if the term weakness is appropriate. But that's how I saw it. N I guess that's how distrust toward Him formed.
My disappointments in relationships after Toulia is not cos of the persons themselves. But my distrust of God. I've been testing Him, to see if He is really that Almighty and having everything under His control.
Cos in the case of Toulia, He didn't.
Either that, or He didn't care enough about my plea or that I had begged that THAT relationship (whether it was Toulia or someone else) be the very last one. I didn't want another heartache. Yet either He was not powerful enough to keep me away from it or He didn't care enough to stop it all from happening.
That's how I had thought about my Lord God all these time.
I only found out today.
Cos the hurts and disappointments of the previous relationships still hurt bad. But I realised it isn't the one with Jason, or Bjorn or David or Philips that caused me that much pain.
Yes the negative experiences and disappointments hurt. But not so much that I can't let them go.
It all started with Toulia.
That's when I has trusted God and believed that He had someone for me. That Toulia was whom He had for me. Not just cos I asked and listened and obeyed. But cos I believed I had confirmation.
But if Judges 2:19 were real, then is God still testing me? To see if I would continue to trust Him? Is that why so many of my prayers are still unanswered? Especially about relationships.
It must have all happened then. N God had to slowly lift me back up - to have faith in Him again, to trust Him again; that He loves me and therefor have great plans for me and hears my prayers and have prepared the way for me.
Carat was the first to show me He was still there for me. Just like back in 2003 when He cleared my debt miraculously. And the houses in 2007 & 2008.
Slowly He had to show me once again that I could trust Him with my heart. And that He has someone who will love me just as I need him to. Step by step, bit by bit He puts tests out for me, so that I can pass them, so that my trust in Him can grow.
I don't know where this all coming from but I believe that it is from God. How can such absurb things come from my mouth? How ridiculous this all sounds - God's weaknesses.
How can the Almighty God have any weakness?
It's actually His love for us. It's not His weakness but His love. He doesn't want us to do anything that we don't want to. That's why He doesn't control us. That's why He have us free will. But cos of that it comes across to many that He is weak. Cos it seems like He is not in control. That His plans get thwarted just cos of some human.
But our God is so great that even prophets can't describe Him. Cos it's not like He has a plan a b or c. But that no matter who disobeys Him, no matter how long it takes, He is always able to get His way, in His way!
His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. His ways are bigger than our ways.
What I see as a failure cos of how the world has taught me to view it, God doesn't see it as failure.
Praise God for His wisdom. Praise God for His enduring love. Praise God for His compassion & forgiveness. Praise God for holding on to me, for seeking me out and never letting go when I get lost and tempted and get stubborn in my ways.
Somehow I feel lighter now. Thank You Lord for the revelation. Not bout Yiur weaknesses but about where I got stuck and for getting me unstuck and being able to hold on to Your promises and trust You!
No comments:
Post a Comment