Foreign

Listening to praise songs in the morning on the way to work, I just can't see how I fit in to Singapore. I feel so foreign. Do alien. 

The way they speak English, the way they think, it's just different. I know it's me. It's my background. It's where I was born and bred for most of my life. Yet it's so foreign. The sound of the people speaking English is just..... It just doesn't sound right. And mandarin.... Just as bad. Only the radio djs probably do a decent job. 

Why? Why am I here? Is this a place i belong? 

Even though I don't feel I belong here, yet daily I get caught up with the things of this world - greed, envy, jealousy, insecurity, materialism. 

Lord Jesus, help me to remember, to have a greater revelation of who I am in You. To know what it means to be a daughter of Christ. 

I know my behavior doesn't reflect it. So help me Lord! Don't let me become one of these people, self consumed, inward! 

Help me to love as You have loved me, and to give as You have given. 

This weekend, help me find my purpose Lord. I am struggling. I don't want to mindlessly spend my money on things that will make no difference to me. 

Yes I like to look pretty. I want to be noticed. But I don't want that to consume me lord. 

I want people to see You when they see me. Not a nasty piece of work. I want to be free! Free as the birds in the skies. 

I know I have been given freedom yet I still feel so trapped. So Holy Spirit, break these chains lord. Whatever that is holding me down, troubling me, break it Lord. I am different from them all. 

Bring like minded people around me lord. Surround me with Your people that we may have strength. 

Bring along people whom I can be accountable to Lord. Bring along people whom will challenge me to be more like You, who will remind me when I fall, of Your love for me and whom I am, not who I see. 

Help me Lord!! 

Poisoning my mind

I yearn n desire what the Taiwan n Korean dramas tell. Am I poisoning my mind? Or is it my real desire? 

There are some things that I really like and need to have in a person. There r some things I really wish for. 

I really want someone to be here with me. Someone who would be willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel that with that, then I am loved n desired. N cos I don't have anyone at the moment and I see everyone whom I am faintly attracted to being attached or already married with a family, I am envious and even jealous of their partners. 

I know that is wrong and I shouldn't think that way. Yet I can't control how I feel. And it saddens me. Cos I shouldn't need to feel that way. 

I am pretty, capable, intelligent, loving, kind. Yet y do I not have anyone who is willing to spend their lives with me?! Am I that unadorable? Am I such a put off? 

Did every guy whom I was with only lust after me? Is the world really so bad?! Or did any of them actually love me at some point and I was just too difficult for them? We just weren't the right fit or they just didn't have the courage needed to deal with issues of life? 

I am different. I'm not a normal female who is soft spoken. I am loud. I have a mind of my own n I speak it. But I don't just want things my way. I just want to get things done n things can get done when everyone plays their part. Employees and employers alike. 

Employees doing the work they should do. 

Employees getting the necessary employees to do the work as what is needed n not underpaying or stinging on manpower. 

My gift profile is music then visual. 

I miss the piano. 

N I miss taking photos. 

I don't know what to do to function in my gift. 😭