What do I want?

What is it that I want? I really don’t know. In all honesty, I really wanted to be that obedient child and follow God’s will. I wanted to “surrender” all my wanton desires into His hands. But doesn’t seem like I’m doing it really well. I have issues surrendering. I came back to do productions, or so I thought. I thought it would be something that would make me happy. But here at MVP group, I am not happy. And I havent found freelance work either. Also, feels like a struggle for me dealing with the freelance market - the issues that come with it. e.g. not knowing when i'll get paid, or if i'll get paid. There are no regulations protecting that industry. There are no medical or health or life benefits. I need to talk to someone who can be neutral yet be brutally honest, yet understand what it means to leave things in God’s hands! Not people with an agenda like Liyen. I want to do a food & travel blog/videolog. And the parenting one. Only cos those are close to my heart. If I can write a story and have it produced for tv drama or film, that would be great. But I don’t know… I don’t know if I have enough dream/passion to push that through as my life time desire. And of cos there's that desire to be in a sci-fi movie or Medieval time period movie/drama cos of the action and all. But I would say its like a dream I have rather than passion. Sitting here at Starcom, answering to briefs, I feel like I enjoy it. The challenge of being able to answer a client’s brief, solve their challenges. But I really don’t like working with Calvin. I really struggle with his communication style. And no matter how much I try to accept him the way he is, being my boss, and someone that I would have to work with, I really dont know how to cope. The struggle is knowing that God has a plan for me. Yet not knowing what it is. Trying to “surrender” yet not being able to deal with the emotions that keep arising. Fear, needs, desires, feeling left behind etc. I need help. I need someone to help me make a decision and stick with it. Ok... What I like about production? - That I can tell stories to impact people's lives! - The "free & easy" timing that's different from everyone else. I dont mind working on weekends and get the freedom to have an off day on a weekday when everyone else is working. In fact I prefer that cos I dont like the crowds. - The glam that is inherently involved. e.g. when the movie comes out and receives good review, free tickets to the movies. hmmmm that's about it? dang... thought there was more - Despite the low start pay and unstable situations, if i do well, I can become a line producer which we are short of. They can earn up to 6 figures a month. But still... no benefits. - Gives me the freedom to do what i want - travel when i have no projects. can say no to projects i dont want to do, etc. Have the time to produce my own stuff (although nothing much has been done) What I dont like about production? This is taking it from the freelance side. Its a different story if I get employed by mm2. - There is no fixed income. My income is always debatable and negotiable. - There is no guarantee on the team that I work with (good & bad) - There are no health benefits, no CPF - No aircon - often out in the open. I have a huge allergy to Singapore weather - There is no future for it. How long can I do it? - Not sure if i can deal with the instability - I'm not trained in the industry. I dont know if the things i want to do, can i actually do it Fears: - That I am entering it too late - That I am not liked by people and so no one wants to hire me now (that obviously defeats God's promise that His favour is upon me and that He will bring the right people into my circle of life right?!) - That maybe I got it all wrong! What I want: - Stable income with increasing pay - Being able to travel to places that I want to go - Being able to spend on things I like instead of having to think 3-4 times before making a decision Why do I not want to go back into advertising? - Feels silly. Came all the way back here just to join a singapore agency? Life was good for me in Australia. - Had felt empty back in australia doing advertising. Prob is it might not be the job. It might just be like what Joseph Prince said - God created our hearts for Him to be so big that nothing in the world can fill it! - There's alot more politics and back biting in Singapore. If I were to go back to advertising, makes more sense to return to Australia. Yet I keep feeling like there's something calling me to stay. Not sure if its unfinished business or what. Why would I return to advertising? - Cos I know I can do it. Its a job that I believe I can enjoy (although also depends on the clients and the teams I work with) - Stable income (monthly pay) What do I not like about where I am at now - MVP Group - I feel underpaid for doing agency work - I have difficulty understanding my boss and what he wants. Keep having to do double work. No direction. - I am not employed by Starcom, so I dont feel like I belong. - When I present content ideas, I have to keep within the content idea boundary rather than a big picture marketing concept - The actual company location is far - about 1 hr journey via public transport. Starcom is less - There are alot of rumours about the boss and the company - There is no one I can 'lean on' in the company. Only the boss but he is too busy and he has his own direction/agenda Options Find out where God wants me to head: - Wait till end of the week for mm2 to offer contract - Wait till end of the week to hear back from 6 degrees regarding application for 4 week producer course in usa -> If I get any of the above then its a confirmation that Production is still the way to go -> If I dont get any of the above then will return to advertising - Then its sending in resumes to agencies but *Dont know what pay to ask for *Dont know which position to go for as positions and job scopes are different in each company Oh Lord... Give me the courage and patience to wait. And show me the direction please.