Fears

What fears could 1 have? What fears do I have?

Fear of disappointment 

Fear of failure

Fear of betrayal

More importantly, fear of being hurt again. 

I didn't need anyone in my life. Yet You bring Jeremy into my life. 

But I don't think I can take on the fears of rejection, disappointment or hurt. 

I don't wana worry or care if I am good enough for him or that I meet his list of criteria. 

I don't wana be judged anymore. I don't want to rely on anyone anymore. 

I understand where he is coming from. He is tired. He didn't sleep the whole night. 

Yet I can't help feeling diaappointed. I can't help wondering what caused him not to be able to sleep. What was he doing? Or who was he with. 

He drinks. Quite abit too. N he seems far from a recluse. 

I am not keeping my time for him anymore. 

I had wanted to spend time with hm today and had kept it for him today. But he wrecked it. 

I don't want to see him tomorrow either or ever again. Maybe I'm over-reacting   Maybe I'm Pms-ing. 

I'm just really upset cos I could have made other plans. 

Tamara

Watching the movie Tamara and its bout this gal that is really smart but she's a misfit. Mostly alone but totally rejected by society. 

Sometimes I feel this way too! Cos the things I say n do ain't really the coolest things the world likes. N I'm different. I say n do things that hardly anyone does or says. 

N sometimes it offends people cos it strips everything off them n leaves them vulnerable. Makes they know they've done wrong. 

But I guess no one likes to be in the wrong n no ones likes to have made mistakes. But I have a knack for making people wrong, being the "police" and judging others. 

Why? 

Another year

The year is almost over. Yet I feel like I've achieved nothing. 

A year passed is quickly back in college and now again, back in Singapore. 

I came back, with great plans and desires - to change the industry, to change the world! To get to become a great actress, tv show host, so I can impact the world! 

But I am far from even getting close to any of those 2 goals. In fact, I feel so jaded by the community, the country and the people in the industry that I want to give up. 

Once again, I have no idea why I came back. Once again, I long to hide, to leave n go to Korea. Where, perhaps I might be of some use. Where, I can teach those who want to learn. 

People here in Singapore don't want to learn! They think they know it all already! And they don't want Christ either, or to to know Hik personally! They have everything they need! 

The pain and stress that they suffer, to them is normal. To them, it's just part of life. They don't know nor understand they it's the subtle work of the devil and that Jesus makes the difference. 

But how can I tell them? Why would they listen? I am nothing either. I have nothing. Nothing to shout about, nothing to be able to make an impact. Nothing to work towards. 

Once again, I feel it's my vain vanity that brought me back instead than God. 

Meeting people who are stubborn, ignorant, arrogant, know it all, I am tired, disappointed and disinterested. 

I really don't want to be around those people. God.... What are you doing to me?! Why am I back here? What did u want me to learn? 

It's Christmas, a season for joy yet I don't feel joy. I worry bout relationships, I get upset over how people are and what they want. 

What am I supposed to do? Just don't bother and let go? Just enjoy everyday that I have alive?! 

Then greed will rose over. Jealousy, envy.... I'll start wanting things I don't have! It's not like I've never felt that way before. It's not like I've never desired those things before. Then what?! 

God... Take all that pain away from me please.