Hurt

It was either God speaking to me or well.... God speaking to me, showing me that I have been causing hurt in the lives of the people whom I love, pushing them away through the choice of words i use. 

Just because I believe strongly in something doesn't mean I should impose it on others n make them feel bad n wrong about it. Eg Philips - I don't think we would have ended that badly if I hadn't gone into fear and panic thinking the worst of him -> thinking that he has met someone else and forgotten bout me. 

Firstly it means I don't trust myself. I don't think that I am good enough and that whichever guy who likes me will find someone else better. 

Secondly, I don't trust him. No guy likes to not be trusted. Every guy (even the bad ones) like to be trusted. 

N then when he told me bout wanting a degree. Although I had my pov, i guess the way I put things across to him perhaps wasn't the kindest. I'm not sure how I did it or said it but I'm pretty sure I hurt him. 

Then there is Jason. Again, my fears got the better of me and I got paranoid. That probably pushed him away. But what pushed him away more is probably the things I said that we're hurtful. It's more than once that I know I hurt him. Made him cry once. Hurt him when we talked n then later with Debbie's incident. He probably felt unwanted n rejected. Why would he want to stay around? 

I also rem jack n how I pushed him aside. N of cos there was Zac. 

There were bad ones too like Craig, Andrew n all. But nice guys who would have made great husbands like Ryan m Steven, I hurt them without even thinking. Just cos I was selfish. 

Maybe I do deserve to be single. 

I really hope things change. I really hope Gods love can fill me till my heart is overflowing. I cannot bear to ensure another season of pain. To myself not to others. 

I don't like me when I'm nasty. I can see it when I turn around to look back. But the injury is already caused. Nothing can change it. 

I hope they all can forgive me. Especially Jason. He's probably moved on. But whatever it is, I hope God heals his heart. Perhaps I should say I'm sorry. Perhaps not. Maybe now is not the right time. 

I just want everything to pass and be well. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. A person full n whole is able to deal with those who hurt. N I wana be healed n complete like God promised. 

So Lord, I surrender all the areas of my heart to you. Help me to forgive all who have hurt me and fill my broken heart with Your love. Help me to love others as You love me for I know that deep down inside, no one wants to hurt another. 

I don't think I'll contact Jason yet cos I'm afraid to know how he is doing. I just want to say I'm sorry but I don't want contact from him. I'm afraid of him telling me that he is attached n happy now. 

It shouldn't change anything. Cos it doesn't say anything about me. But still there is pain cos it seems like I have been rejected once again even though I have not. 

God fill me with Your love please.