Thoughts after watching the last episode of Empress Ki

Thoughts after watching the last episode of Empress Ki - She is a strong lady. She had to face trial after trial in her life time. Becoming the Empress wasnt easy, but she got there. But the battles didnt stop there. She lost the throne and fled when Yuan got taken over by the rebels. How true the story is I dont know. They did say at the end that it was fictional. Regardless, I felt like I went through similar encounters as her. The first man she loved loved her for the whole of his life. She lost him. And later fell in love with the king. But even the king died and didnt spend the rest of his life with her. Reminded me of what Liyen said during the Beauty workshop - Most women there were close to 50. Some have already passed. She said that 50% of women age 50 would have had a loss of a partner. That struck me hard. I didnt lose anyone to any diseases, but I have lost so many people. Such that now I dont even want to think of a relationship. I dont know if its fear, its tired or just the knowledge or if you can call it revelation that what I seek in having a relationship would never satisfy me. I would still face problems, issues and obstacles. Now I am just living for myself. I dont have to deal with anyone else's stuff. In a relationship I would. Time and again, I would face disappointment, betrayal. Then what? I am so tired. Jason was the last straw. I had hoped. I found difficulty finding someone suitable after Toulia. Even being with Toulia was hard. I was already very tired. But still I yearned for someone. After Jason, I dont know any more. I do sometimes wish I had someone with me, to spend time with me, to travel with me. But I am really tired of people just leaving when things dont go the way they would like. I am precious and I deserve more. I have always stayed to work things out. But somehow all left. As much as I yearn to have someone love me like how the 2 kings loved Empress Ki, I am too tired to think about it and to search for it. Right now, being able to serve at TV and take nice camera shots, I am happy. And if I can grow as a producer and hopefully produce something one day that is internationally recognised and will tell the love of God in Truth, I will be satisfied. Finishing the show, I really had the deep aching. Really want to act and portray different characters. I love it. I cant deny that. And it hurts that it is not what God has for me. I am really so happy that I got the role for the teacher. Not only cos I need money but also cos it is something I love and enjoy and I really hope that I can do it well. Right now, I just want to have work that pays. So that I can pay the bills at home. It is frustrating but there is nothing much I can do. I wish I didnt have to deal with the bills at home. If I were single. If my parents were no longer around, I wouldnt have to deal with so many things but just for myself. It is a selfish thought but true. And I do not wish to curse my parents but a house over their heads and the monthly bills should have been their duty not mine. They should be someone that I can run to when I am in trouble. Yet through the years, I have felt nothing but the burden of their lack of finances and wisdom. God.... help.... You said that Your burden is light, Your yoke is light... so help me Lord... To pay the bills and provide for the family. Why does this have to be a constant burden? Like what Pastor Lian preached today - a monthly burden? Its times like this that I do not know why I am alive and I really wish to end my life! As an alien on this earth, I cant wait to return to my Father's kingdom in Heaven. And I dont know how else to other than taking my own life. I have nothing. I came with nothing, I can depart with nothing. Lord.... take my burden with You please. Provide for my family. I have obediently tithe during all my working times. So help me Lord. Fill my storehouses so I can bring more to You Lord!