Pain

I havent been daring to watch modern day korean drama cos there's always romance involved. And I think I am hurting quite badly that I would cry my eyes out every time. But having been to casting db's launch yesterday, seeing all the new actors having a friendship, I feel like an outcast - like I dont belong. I'm no longer known. No longer wanted. Yet I still desire to be on screen. Not just any show or movie or any character. I want to play a character that I like and has depth. Yet I dont seem to come across those roles. Yet I do not wish to put in the effort that these young actors are doing. I want things easy - on a silver spoon some say. Just like in the old days - when I had an agent. They market me and push me and get me jobs and all I do is go there to do the job. I was really torn, cos I really wana act. Yet I dont want to put in the efforts. I think I'm not going to think and wish anymore. I will just concentrate on my work as a producer. Save some money and go for a short holiday in Feb. And will re-think again how life is and what I want. Cos right now, really want to just work and earn money and then after 2 years, when my passport expires and I get a new one, I wana go over to Korea and teach English. As much as I want family to support me and love me, I dont think I am in the state to be able to be around them and accept them and love them. Just watching the drama made me realise how much pain I was carrying from all my broken relationships. I cant ven properly remember Jason's face yet I miss him. I feel sad that things could not work out. And knowing that there were so many things that I did that would have pushed him away, makes me even more sad. I just want someone to love me. To really really like me, such that even when I push him away, he would still pursue me. I really wana run away to Korea now. Perhaps it is the influence of the korean drama, but I wish I could meet some korean dude who would treat me really well. I dont know. I just wish all the pain would go away. Its meant to be in God's hands anyway right? Jesus said He would take it for me no?