What's the truth?

The meeting with Nicholas was good. At least in my perspective. 

Learnt a lot. Well heard a lot. Really tink his head is on his shoulders n feet is on the ground. Yet bold with ambition. 

But as with all people... How much of that is ego? How much is that person's righteous point of view? 

I don't know. 

I do know I would like to work with him on the musician interview. If pilot is not paid, so be it. But I love being "on screen". 

I don't know what mm2 has in store for me. I also don't know how this information download will change anything. 

But I do know we need to get classes organized so our actors get better at their craft. 

I'm overwhelmed. I'm really overwhelmed. 

God... Lead me. I'm speechless and directionless. 

The Corporate world

Am I really "missing the corporate world" as Emily puts it? I dont know. I definitely missed the lifestyle I had back in 2012. You could say everything was good. I got the pay that I wanted, although I had hoped for a larger increase other than a 4-5% inflation adjustment. But I guess unless I had a promotion, that would not have been possible in such a large corporation like Aegis. But I got to enjoy the prestige and privileges from the suppliers and events cos of the company's position in the market. Not being paid anything and having to receive Austudy meant a cut in lifestyle. That, for 2013 and then now in 2014 whilst I am doing freelance work and no full time work... is painful. I cant buy the things I want to buy or go where I want to go. I gota worry about whether or not my next pay check covers my growing expenses. Yes I love being on the set. And yes I love it more being on the set as an actor. I definitely get treated better than as part of the production team. Unless I hold the purse strings, those monkeys like Dollei from makeup will never give anyone else any sort of respect, which is really poor form. No doubt she is good at her art, but what gives her the right to diss the production peeps just cos of that?! Seriously... you will never know when one of those "kids" would become a director or producer next. Then what? Shine their shoes? People will remember you for who you are. Dont be such an ass just because you are good. That is pride. Pride never gives anyone the privilege to do anything obnoxious to others. Anyways that's side tracking. I love being on set even on the back end. But at the moment, the money isnt paying. Like I said - I am too used to having money to want to give it all up for passion. Perhaps this is what God is trying to show me, teach me by bringing me back here. I really had nothing. He showed me what it was like to "starve" if I were to freelance and not have a job. Obviously He is not going to leave me in the lurch and He made sure I had enough in many ways to cover my expenses and needs. Given that, I really dont know what I am back for. It doesnt seem like it is to chase my dreams, cos I really dont have the courage to. I want to act, but I am not known by anyone any more, nor wanted. Unless there is a guarantee of getting at least $5k a month, or an upcoming project that promises to cover that for at least 6 months to a year, I dont think I can embark on such a journey anymore. Yes I could land a sponsorship of $100K. That would be like 2-3 years of my current salary. I would definitely love that! But I dont have the confidence for that to happen! Unless I get a lead role that promises $1.5-2K per episode to be filmed across the 2-3 months, then I might consider dropping corporate and taking up acting again. The shows in SG are really little. No hollywood exposure as I would have liked! Glam and Gloss aside, I want to be able to live in a place I like, in an area I like, and go places I like, eat what I like. That being the case, then I would need to return to corporate. Perhaps it is time to let go of everything. The past dreams that I had which cannot be fulfilled, which God could have always been asking me to give up and I stubbornly refuse to. Whatever it is, I MUST move on! From my dreams of the younger days as well as my relationships. I cannot be hung up over Jason anymore. Yes... he was the man of my dreams or so I thought until he decided he could not take communication daily. Well, at least that was his excuse. What his real reason was, I dont know. Nor will I ever know. He might just have been out to have a fling. I dont think he even considered me his gf, like I didnt consider him my bf. He was just someone I was really in love with and had placed alot of hopes on, cos he seemed to be so different from all the guys I had dated. So caring, so understanding. Until.... the truth comes out and he isnt that understanding at all. If he was, he would have understood what he did and not run away from a relationship with me. He would have stayed to work things out. Perhaps he is back with his ex now. Perhaps he has someone new now. Perhaps he has had 10 other flings that I would never know of. Whatever the case, it is time to let go and move on. Tears shed on him would be more time wasted. Time wasted on being healed and whole and happy. Oh God... I so need to be at peace with everything. Where I am at, Whom I am with, the friends (or lack of them) that I have. My friends from old times are no longer the friends I have. I think they have all moved on, with their families and new responsibilities. I, being single am still stuck in that singleness - not having anyone to be responsible to and for. Insurance - oh... Lord... should I even get any of that?! What's the point? Will I ever have use of it? sigh.... Lord, give me wisdom in this matter please...

Relationships

What do I want? I really dont know. I want someone who is willing to spend his life with me, making a life out of our lives. Doing things together, sharing moments - happy and sad together. Whether or not we have children, I dont know. I would like children of my own.... only because I like babies. But do I really want kids? Would I make a good mom? I dont know. I look at Michelle, Sandra, Cecilia... and they seemed happy, contented just being a homemaker. Would I ever be that way if I were to stop everything and be a mom? What do I really want in life? At the moment I just seemed so overwhelmed with the pains of the past. Will I ever get over them and just live properly like a person? Happy with where I am at? And being alone? Did I leave Australia to run away from the pain? Only to come back to Singapore to experience more pain? God.... I really dont like feeling this way and living this way. Help me find my way. Help me find joy in the midst of everything.

Dilemma

Every time I am with the production team, I feel a rush of emotions. I really wana be one of the actress in the production or perhaps involved in the production as a producer or assistant to the producer. 

But whenever I look at my bank account, I look at what I want in the long term, i can't see a fit between the two. 

I am not willing to give up and slog any more. I want to earn at least $10k a month. Be able to go on holidays that are not budget and visit places I like. 

The thoughts just keep coming. 

Even if I get 1 endorsement that would fulfill my financial quota for the year, how many can I get yearly and till when? 

I am not even close to what any of the actresses in Singapore make. What makes me think I can do it again? 

Brenda made me really happy telling me I did well in the Wacky Mouth series. However, having watched the video, I know I am nowhere there. Perhaps it is the production - it didn't compliment me cos the director wasn't good enough. Or perhaps it's just me. I am actually not as good as I tink I am. 

God... I don't know how to marry the 2 desires. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel to stay as a freelance producer. 

I want my house paid off n I want another house in sg. A condo. 

I don't know bout a house in Aus - whether I should sell it or not. 

People say to keep it if I am returning. But I don't know when I'll return. Am I keeping a white elephant? How much more would the property price rise? 

Help me God. So many decisions. How do I make the calculations?