Tempting

You reckon I'll be ok? If I were to tell Jason I was sorry and he replied back just as Phillips did? I don't know. I don't know if I am ready to hear from him yet. I only know I feel sorry for what I did and wished that I could take it all back. I set up the post for all to read, so that I can encourage. But through this year, I have done nothing but to lament and complain and cry. I wish I were stronger. I wish I was really a bringer of joy rather than misery. You reckon I could ever get out of being mean and nasty? It seems so much of a habit now that I wonder if it would ever change. I want to be nice and stylish. Like Ou Se Young. I'm tired. Maybe cos I'm sick. Jesus help me. That I be nice. Nicole said to read Right Believing. And that the last 5 chapters will help. I think it was for her. It was God's way of speaking to her. Its not for me though. Cos I felt nothing. :( Everything that Joseph Prince talked about in the book, I already know. And he is not the issue. I am. Something is missing! The Revelation of what he is talking about is missing! I know Christ died for me. I know I am loved cos of that. Cos His death repaired the broken relationship between me and God. I know all my sins are forgiven. I know all my sicknesses have been borne by Jesus. But they are all stuck in my head. What happened? What's wrong? I sound as though I am so jaded that nothing seems to get into my thick skull! Perhaps that's why God had to wake me in the middle of the night to speak to me. Cos in my full consciousness, I can't listen. I wish I had a tall dark handsome Korean dude would rescue me out of this. errr wait.. Koreans aint dark... Nevermind about the dark. Just tall, rich and handsome. Wide palms and long fingers. Nice smile and teeth. Sparkly eyes. Sigh... I'm already 38 coming 39. Am I being unrealistic? How realistic is one supposed to be? It really gets confusing Lord, cos some of the things that You ask of us is unrealistic. So when is it realistic by You and unrealistic by the world, and when is it just wishful thinking? :( Oh how I wish I knew who I was and what my heart was really feeling/thinking. I seem to be going around the bush. When God when?! Who God who?!