Frustrations hurts and disappointments

This is a year of Greater Glory. Yet there doesn't seem to be any glory happening in my life. And already a quarter of the year has passed. 

😢

I feel extremely hurt, misunderstood, abandoned and deceived. I don't know what my family members are talking behind my back. Only cos that's what they do. And because of that I do not want to be close to them. None of them are willing not able to be honest. 

But everyone loves to blame. Perhaps Cheryl is different. But still I know she is upset with me. 

I do things very differently. So sue me. Just because I will not accept some things doesn't mean I don't love my family. 

After his hair cut, L looks more attractive. But I still don't think he is right for me. Actually.... It's more I am so hurt by relationships that as much as I want someone to spend my life with, I'm really afraid. Afraid that I will be rejected, that once again the person would walk away from me. Afraid that I can't deal with relational issues. That once again I would be blamed as the culprit. 

I am also very angry at God. What is He putting me through? 

I thought He called me back to ministry in the production and media. Yet there hasn't been any open doors. N neither has there been any providence. How am I going to trust Him? How can I see direction? Where is my faith?! 

My heart is breaking! 

And my cousins non-reply. It hurts. N it's hard to remember that it's Jesus that they are rejecting, not me. It's the business they are rejecting, not me. 

I really just want to work for God. Even if it's working at church. 

I am annoyed and disappointed with my mom. When did I ever get such a timid mom? What do I do? 

Dad has always been absent. Even now he has time and is around physically, he is still absent emotionally and mentally. 

I am so frustrated. My family isn't the way I want them to be. Not just I want, but the way they should be. Not my parents, not my brother. Not sure bout my sister but she seems the healthiest of us all.