Direction

I feel so lost. 

And with that I feel so frustrated n angry. 

I came back to Singapore with the belief that I am to return to the media and production industry. 

But it's been almost 5 months and I have not seen any open doors. 

My finances are drying up. I have found no work. And I still have no idea what I am supposed to do in Singapore. 

I hate my family cos of what happened and their non action to protect me. No doubt my brother is family too. But he has done wrong! 

Rather than correct his behavior and get him to apologise, they would rather let him leave, let him go his own way. 

I am so angry about that. 

And I am so frustrated about market Singapore and my moms involvement. If not for her decision to take it up, we wouldn't have spent so much money and time on it. 

I am so angry. But I can't talk to her a out it at the moment. I will tear her to shreds. 

I am also feeling so tired at the moment. It is supposed to be how I will be financed or so I tot. But not only have I not been able to sell the product other than to Lincoln, all prospects that I thought were good have failed me. 

And God has not provided any others. I am really angry. 

I don't know what to do!!

Life was good before I went to college. But ever since I stepped into that God forsaken place, my life seems to have taken a downward spiral! 

No doubt I got the time to go for counselling but seriously... Was it worth it?  I have not changed that much for me to say that bible college changed my life! 

I want radical changes. Yet I see same old same old. N I really hate it. 

People say let God do the change. But I haven't seen any change!! 

Now... Direction.... Let God direct your steps. That's what the pastors say. That's what the bible says. But what to do when He is not speaking?!

I am hardly interested in reading the bible and hearing His word anymore! I didn't even feel like going to church cos my parents didn't want to go. It was too troublesome! 

I hate Him. I hate God!!

I want to walk away from Him!!

He promised me a husband way back when I met Toulia. And then again in 2012. It's 2014 and I see no sign of a husband. All because I put all the mandatories in what I want for My husband. Such as God fearing! BS!! 

That cut out half the good men out there. Look what happened with Jason. I wanted him to know God, to love God. But he didn't. He didn't even bother. N now I am alone. I am angry!! I am so angry!! 

I hate God!!  

People hate other people but I hate God. Cos God is all powerful, all knowing! Yet He didn't bless me! He didn't make things happen! 

No husband, no money! No friends here in sg. No work, no direction, no prospects. 

What the hell does he want?!

If I didn't follow God, I would be doing whatever I feel like. Not needing to wait on Him. I would have looked at my current situation and done what I need to do. 

I wouldn't even be back in Singapore. I wouldn't have been that insecure being with Jason. Cos of all the teachings bout men losing interest after sleeping with a woman. Where did that come from? Church!! 

What has that done for me so far?!?! 

Nothing!!! 

In fact it made my life worse cos it gave me insecurities! It made me fearful!! 

I hate church!! I hate God.