Not feeling the way I want to

God has done great things in my life. He is still doing great things in my life. Yet there are things that I encounter that really causes my heart to ache. 

A Fren, thinking n feeling I betrayed her and giving me the cold shoulder hurts. Not only cos she was a good friend, but also because I feel accused. My intentions were misunderstood and she actually had no right to be angry at me. 

I find her behavior childish and selfish. Yet I could do nothing about it. I really want to tell her about it. About how I feel. But I have seeked wise counsel. All 3 have said no. Well if it were a no then I need to obey. My flesh is fighting it. Cos it feels that justice was not metted out. But who am I to let justice?! 

N as E talked bout P and she was introduced to her, I didn't feel a thing for P. Yet looking back, I also know that if only I had not been so insecure, thinking that his absence was a sign of something, perhaps.... Just perhaps we might have ended up together. Then there wouldn't be B nor J. There would be less hurt and pain. 

But that didn't happen. 

Perhaps I needed to learn the hard way. N obviously I had not learnt. Cos otherwise J wouldn't happen in the first place. I need to guard my heart. I have not been doing a good job of it. 

And even if J happened, I wouldn't have thrown tantrums either cos of my insecurity. 

I no longer want to feel that way. I don't want to react out of my insecurities, out of my fears and colored glasses. 

Meeting up with Z today was a mistake. Her strong personality really overwhelmed me. If she didn't agree with something I said, she would dismiss it. 

I guess she's pretty much like me. But I hope that through time, God had worked in me and helped me to see things differently, to be softer in nature and more comfortable with others opinions. 

I learnt that she is not a suitable MA client nor potential biz partner. 

I also learnt that she has a mother hen tendency. She is no better than I am, yet her behavior n questions are often that way. There's no friendship that's been built. Not like E or G or M. 

Y is another one that I can't hang out much with. She has a strong mind of her own. When she wants things a certain way she would try to manipulate. And I really don't like that. Causes me to be defensive. And it manipulate too. I don't like it

Help me Lord.... To forgive C for ignoring me and hurting me, and P for getting angry at me and hurting me. Please also help me to forgive Z for being so overpowering and causing me to feel that she is wanting to tower over me.