Heartache & Dilemma

I want so badly to have a husband. To have someone who would hold me to sleep. Who would come home and give me hugs and shower me with love and kisses. Someone I can share my life with, help me be my better self and keep my eyes on Jesus rather than the things of this world. 

Yet I fear it coming to past. I fear the heartaches I had suffered in my quest for this desire. I fear having to experience those heartaches again. I fear meeting the wrong guy again. I fear how the relationship might end up like my parents or C & B's where there are so many challenges. 

I do not dear challenges. I just fear that the man I marry wouldn't walk through those challenges with me - that I would be left all alone again to deal with things and work on things. 

I am so tired from the many years of doing that, from fighting to be loved and treasured. I am at the brink of giving up and not fighting anymore. 

Perhaps that's what I should do. Give up n not fight. Perhaps I should have left it to God and not bother about a single thing. 

For my past does not determine who I am. It is no indication of my value either. It just says that I have a preserving character and would pursue what I believe is worth working for and towards. 

It speaks of the character of the men I dated. That they were weak and cowardice, running from problems rather than facing them with a vengeance and strength from God. 

But God has someone for me. Someone who will fight for our relationship to work regardless of the challenges we encounter. Someone who would love spending time with me, talking to me, enjoying me, enjoying my company and relish being in my presence and want me to fill his life with my love and time. 

It is better to be single and not have to deal with the issues of inappropriate suitors who do not have the resilience in maintain and fighting for relationships. 

There's nothing I can do if I have not met such a man. There's nothing I can do about my singleness. I can only be me and shower my love on those around me instead. They shall be the recipient of the blessing that I am till God brings my husband and I together. 

And during the times that I feel alone cos everyone else has someone, that is when I crawl into the loving arms of my Father to get His love and comfort. For He is always there for me, loving me, caring for me and fighting for my love and attention even when the rest of the world had abandoned me. 

He was and is always waiting for me. My Father. My Beloved Father who loved me so much that blood had to be shed for my life. 

My Abba Father, counsellor, Comforter, Redeemer, Provider, teacher, lover. 

Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for Holy Spirit. Thank you for shalom peace. 

Thank you for teaching me to draw my boundaries and to be or not to be affected by things around me.