Sanity

Realised that when I am in my ovulating period, I get extremely emotional. I really dont know what to do already. The anti-depressants that I am taking now is not strong enough. Doubling it during this period is a little too much. But increasing it by another 50% dont seem to do much. However, doubling the dosage, but splitting it up seems to give me less side-effects but more stable emotions. The last few days before my period came, I felt so .... traumatised. Emotionally filled with pain, anger, resentment, unforgiveness and disappointment. If not for the medication, I would probably have taken my own life cos I felt that life was so meaningless... But the thought of being on the medication forever isnt appealing either. Will have to speak with Dr Tim when I get back. Going to see the Doc at the poly clinic is much too tedious.. The wait time was horrible the last time. 2 hrs! But the medication as subsidised, so was the doc fees and that's awesome! Although for this medication, I am not sure how much it can be subsidised. I really just want to be healed of all the pain and trauma that I had endured. I do not want to carry it around with me for the rest of my living years. IF that were to be the case, Jesus, please take my life for it is more suffering to live than to die and have sinned against God by taking my own life! I woke with much clarity today. And although I did have a little "relapse" it wasnt as bad as yesterday or the few days before where I wake up depressed. Constantly snappy and irritated. Will I ever get to stop taking the medication? Will someone accept me if I have to take the medication forever? Did my traumatising childhood really disrupt the maturing of my frontal lobe? The same desires came back again during the last week -> I wanted to go to Korea. It was probably from watching too much of the Korean dramas. They brought hope, which is great. But I know if I were to really choose to go, I would be running away. Running away from the pain I feel (from the failed relationship with Jason) and whatever other history that lies within my mind/heart. And I still am so tempted to lean towards taking up a job in advertising. Only because I know that I CAN do it. But that's as far as I can go - Account Manager. I do not think that I am cut out enough to be an Account Director or higher. And it is because in all honesty, those people really DO have a sense of talent in that area. Just like directing. I know that I can definitely do a producers job. I strongly believe that I have been gifted in that area. And I would like to dabble a little into the directing and acting side still. But I know that that's my interest and not my gifting. I really need God. I need Him to hold on to me and not let me sway towards my fear for financial stability and the desire to have "beautiful" things, like those that my friends had! The luxuries of life that sometimes I think the rich just squander cos they can and I wished that they had used the money in other ways. I want to impact lives. I want to stir up the love that's within people. Our society has caused our people to live in fear... that's why people have learnt to care only for themselves. That every single kind and considerate act is now calculated and not just a way of life. Daddy, I dont know what to do. And I dont know whats the best step to take next. And finances. Where do I get them from Lord? Time after time... when I am unaware, memories of the time spent with him comes to mind. And it hurts. He never gave us a chance to work things out. Well, at least that was in my perspective. Perhaps in his perspective he already gave it many chances. I wish he would acknowledge my email or add me back as a friend. But I dont think that will ever happen. I really hate myself for having gotten into this mess. I dread the day that I knew of his existence. Cos I got really attached to him really quickly, only to be rejected shortly after. It hurts when I work to deal with the weaknesses that someone has, yet others dont. I dont ever quite give up. Yet many I have met have given in, taken the easy way out and gave up. The thought of that causes me to feel like I am a very difficult person to live with. That what I give is never enough. And that there will never be a person courageous enough to stay and take the life journey with me. That really hurts. Nothing else hurts more than isolation. And not having a boyfriend, a husband, feels like isolation. I feel ostracised by the male species. They are nice enough to hang around for awhile but then when something else more fun comes along or when the going gets tough, they run. I am really angry with them. And I am really angry with myself. For letting the men in my life treat me like dirt, so easily discarded, instead of a precious gem to protect and treasure. I know that holding the grudge against them is not right and definitely not beneficial for me. And even though I think that I have forgiven them, times like this seem to remind me that I have not, resurfacing all the pain all at once. So much so that life seems not worth living and unbearable. There are many who do not even see the need for a husband, a life companion. Perhaps they are really at peace. Or just given up hope. I just do not believe that God made us so that we are to be alone. It hurts so much that I really wana run away and just go on missions in japan or korea, care for the people, live there and not come back, not have to face anything. Not have to face that my life is so empty and meaningless. That there isnt a single guy out there who knows how to love me and cherish me. That I have allowed all those crappy people into my heart only to break it time and again. As I prayed, God reveals to me that instead of "attacking" people who are doing wrong, it is to embrace them and love them. And not just through the movies and productions that He is to make through me, but through my own personal life. And that starts with mom and dad. Nagging at them, lecturing them will not change them. But loving them will help them feel better about themselves. And perhaps... just perhaps they can catch a glimpse of God and just lean in to Him more. My God is love. My God is grace! It is not about condemning my parents when they buy the lottery or get overly suspicious with "feng shui" stuff, but to love them for who they are and all that they are. The beauty that God made them - as human beings, not just my parents. That they too have the capacity to love and they too need and want love. What's the point of loving the lovely or the loved. Jesus didnt just heal the well. He healed the sick and touched the leper, the untouchables.